Cricket Star Not Well-Endowed, Kind of Chubby

Warne, whom the British tabloids have been tracking for years, is being divorced by his wife after he was nailed for cheating on his her for the umpteenth time. This in itself is not necessarily newsworthy; athletes, we hear, are known to sleep around a bit, maybe, not sure. But the story here is pretty amazing.

Apparently, Warne met Laura Sayers, a 25-year-old London financial student, in a club last week, and "propositioned" her. It didn't quite turn out as he planned.

Warne was with his county team-mate, England star Kevin Pietersen. A friend of Laura's was going out with Pietersen and she turned up to make up the numbers. Laura said she didn't even know who he was when he introduced himself in a swanky private members' bar.

She said: "My friend was dating Kevin and they invited me out. They introduced me to their friend Shane, but I don't follow cricket and had no idea who he was.

"The first thing he said was: 'How about a foursome?' Shane laughed but I told him off and was quite offended. I thought, who is this creep?"

After moving to Umbaba nightclub and drinking until the early hours, Kevin and Laura's friend decided to go back to Kevin's London flat.

Laura said: "Shane said he was going back with them and asked me to come. We were just going as a group so I went along. When we got there, Shane and I left Kevin and my friend alone. Shane made it clear he wanted to get laid. I told him I didn't want to, but he was persistent.

"He left me in the lounge and went into the bedroom and called out for me to join him. I walked into the bedroom but I told him I wasn't interested in having sex with him. He took off all his clothes and I asked him if he had a condom, I guessed he didn't, so I thought that would be the end of it."

Laura said Shane ran out of the room and returned with a condom. She added: "When he came back I just gave in."

She said Warne failed to put in a match-winning performance under the covers. She said: "He's a bit chubby, but he's quite fit. It was all over very quickly and he wasn't very well-endowed. He just wanted to get laid."

Why can't this ever happen in America? We mean, honestly.

Shane's Shame [London Mirror]