If the real sports world were like the Deadspin sports world, someone like Dennis Rodman or Joe Pepitone would be popping open some champagne this morning, 1972 Dolphins-style: The Clinton Portis madness streak has finally come to an end.
Yesterday, with his weekly press conference a day early, Portis came out dressed as himself. His name was "Hot Stuff." And he read from a letter. It said:
Dear Clinton: You're a special guy. Your sense of humor is amazing. But honestly: You are the most beautiful guy I have ever seen in my life. What you do to me when I see your face is mind-boggling. Clinton, I would love to just see you come out as yourself. That turns me on more than anything you'll ever know. If I had the opportunity, what I would do to you would just rock your world.
Portis then turns to the reporters, grins and says, "Therefore, I couldn't dress up as anyone. I had to come out and show my beautiful face."
Now. Ignoring the fact that this sounds suspiciously like Joe Gibbs impersonating a groupie, we find it impossible to believe that Portis, crazy or not, could ever possibly feel the need to woo a female by nuking the persona that has elevated him from above-average running back to the single most popular NFL player on the Web. (Besides, Portis is pretty clear about what he wants "in a bad bitch.")