Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks: Steve Serby

Yes, he once wrote that "if Tom Brady were a politician, he'd be JFK." OK, he once, on assignment at the 2001 Super Bowl, wrote an entire column off of radio quotes. OK, sure, he's at times jingoistic, hackneyed and wishy-washy. Yeah, yeah, it's true that Jets' quarterback Richard Todd once smacked him and heaved him into a locker. But aside from all that, we kind of like Steve Serby. His writing style ... um, that is to say, his witty prose ... aw, we just can't do it. We're trying to be nice, but Steve Serby stinks. On to the vital statistics:

Name: Steve Serby
Writes For: The New York Post.
Nicknames: Mr. Loser, Brillo Head, Captain Poodle.
Phrases His Writing Has Inspired: "The Serby Zone," "Approaching Steve Serby-hood," "Pulling a Serby."
Best Mention On McSweeney's: "I think Steve Serby is living in the past. I think he'd like to ride in a sidecar of a motorcycle driven by Bill Parcells. I think he'd like to eat the pork chop remnants from a plate Bill Parcells once used. I think he wants Bill Parcells to grab him and put him in a headlock and tell him it is bath time." — Jeff Johnson
Most Resembles: The Church Lady.
Brother-in-law Gary Weingarten's Favorite Team: NY Jets.
Best Quote From A Deadspin Reader: "The most maudlin, hokey sportswriter since the guy who wrote Mighty Ducks 3." — Hercules
Binkie: Chad Pennington.

It was Halloween night, 1981, when the feud between Steve Serby and Richard Todd came to a head — the reporter standing up bravely to the quarterback and declaring, "I am an award-winning journalist, and from now on you'll call me Mister Serby!" We won't detail what happened next, except to say that doctors labored for two hours to remove a notebook and pen from the anal cavity of a reporter from the New York Post.

The best part of this, however, came the next day. Serby decided not to press charges and showed up at the Jets facility the following day as if nothing had happened. There on the floor, so the legend goes, was a chalk outline of a man — with the words 'Where the body lay.'

If that is for what Steve Serby will be most remembered, it's just as well, because that will mean that people will have forgotten this — written after the 2002 Super Bowl:

"Inside a red, white and blue fortress called the Superdome, they let freedom ring last night, and they let freedom sing, and then they played a football game that stands today as tall as the Twin Towers once did as a defiant statue of liberty. On the night they wrapped a star-spangled banner around the neck of terror and squeezed tight, they played a football game that will be remembered as Patriots' Day."


But does Steve Serby deserve our scorn, or merely our pity? It is up for you, the reader, to decide. Delve intro the Serby archives, and when you emerge, please let us know how you feel. See you in a few, you poor, dumb saps curious readers!

Steve Serby Columns [The New York Post]