Our Leader's Tropical Vacation: Day 5

As you know, Will Leitch has been on holiday since Thursday — off to the Caribbean, we hear. You may picture him lying oiled and bronzed on a pristine beach, trying to decide between the lobster and the cracked crab. But knowing him as we do, we feel another scenario is far more likely: Sunburned and in rags, at this moment Will is wrestling several other boys for possession of Piggy's glasses.

Vacations are always fun, until someone is mistaken for a wild pig and receives multiple spearings.

Anyway, my name is Rick Chandler, and I will be in command here at Fort Courage for today. A little about myself: I own several attractive ties. I am half English and half Irish, which causes few problems — except that on every April 18th I set off a small pipe bomb in my own pants. It was my real-life story that was the inspiration for the TV show Nanny and the Professor. My personal motto: "Meus pera est absentis" ("Hey! My wallet's missing!"). Favorite athlete: Whammy Douglas. That's about it. Oh, and it's only a half-day today here on Deadspin, due to President's Day. Yes, my parents finally gave me the keys to the family car, and said: "Have it back by noon."

And now, on with the show.