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What to watch as ... as ... must have shrimp ... must go to Applebees ...
• Boxing: Middleweights, Jesse Feliciano vs. Vincent Phillips. We will never trust a sport where you cannot completely dress yourself without help. [ESPN2]
• College Basketball: NCAA Tournament, first-round games, regional coverage. "Regional coverage" is just another term for "We're sticking with this 30-point blowout except for brief moments when the other, more exciting game is just about to go into a time out." [CBS]
• Tennis: ATP Masters Series/WTA Tour, Pacific Life Open, quarterfinal, at Indian Wells, Calif. Elena Dementieva — in Russian the last name means, well, we're not sure. But it can't be good for an opponent. [ESPN2]