Now ... we are going to tread very carefully here ... we don't want any trouble ... we are just reporting facts ...
All right. [clears throat] Here goes:
Steelers linebacker Joey Porter will undergo arthroscopic knee surgery and could miss the beginning of the season.
So, Joey: Through this statement of fact, we mean not to imply any disrespect or understating of your ability to defy the laws of biology and immediately heal yourself through the strength of your will and the depth of your character. We are sure this knee injury is simply the media/your opponent/that guy you saw in the mall the other day attempting to keep you down by being a "hater." We know you had been trying to keep your cool, but this is too much for a reasonable man such as yourself to resist blowing up over. We understand. We did not mean to question your invincibility.
Please do not kill us. Thank you.