Deadspin associate editor Rick Chandler has just returned from the American Century Championship celebrity golf tournament at Stateline, Nev., which ended on Sunday. Above all else, he would like to report that actor Bruce McGill is a swell guy who bought us drinks, and tells amusing Animal House stories. Here is his final report.
Donald Trump's ass is expansive and sublime. It is the Rolls Royce of hinders; the last word in posteriors; The Butt That Launched A Thousand Ships. It was impossible to watch a minute of his threesome — golf — on Friday through Sunday without marvelling at the hugeness of it. The Trump Rump put all others to shame at this event. We're only sorry we didn't get a picture of it; but, like Crazy Horse and the Loch Ness Monster, it has never been successfully photographed. His buttocks seem to have a mind of its own, moving independently of the rest of its owner. Once on Saturday, it provided shade for three exhausted children and a duck. We were honored just to be near it. It is a fanny of greatness.
Oh yeah, the threesome. For 18 glorious holes on Saturday is was Donald Trump, Ben Roethlisberger and Bode Miller. Together, for the first time in human existence. Which brings us to our next observation: The human race is doomed. Here's why. As Trump, Big Ben and Bode exited the ninth hole, thus mingling with the crowd, two small boys looked up, and one of them yelled, "It's Donald Trump!" As the boys thrust their books at Trump — ignoring Roethlisberger and Miller — we said a silent prayer for all of mankind. The End Times are surely nigh.
Speaking of Big Ben, you will see after the jump that he looks — in our opinion — better than he did before the accident. Conspiracy theorists are claiming, in fact, that there was no accident at all, that it was just a publicity stunt. One of them may be former Cardinals quarterback Neil Lomax, who told us: "You would have thought that Roethlisberger was the President, the way things were covered after the accident. It was ridiculous. The NFL today is overblown, overhyped and overexposed. A lot of it is a joke." We hate it when athletes won't open up.
On Saturday, celebrity golf fans got the first preview of the state of Big Ben's throwing arm, as he heaved a football toward a boat in Lake Tahoe from the 17th. It was a toss of about 40 yards, nice spiral, which somehow made it onto eBay before getting wet. Among other odds and ends, HBO Band of Brothers actor Matthew Settle broke a boat's windshield — in two places — after slicing a shot on No. 17; Charles Barkley hit a scoreboard; and actor Jack Wagner won it all — the first time a non-athlete has finished first in the 17-year history of the event. Wagner's 13-year-old son was his caddy, and the actor dedicated the win to him. It should be noted, though, that we saw the pair on Friday on a practice green, and the kid couldn't have looked more bored or disinterested. "I wanted to go jet skiing! This sucks!"
Oh, and Dan Patrick still wouldn't talk with us. But damn it, Trump's ass cast its shadow upon us, blessing us with its greatness. We'll always have that.
Some photos after the jump.
Live From Tahoe [Deadspin]
Big Ben looking fit, mere weeks following his motorcycle accident. Suspiciously fit, if you ask us.
We are in fourth place — not bad, considering we haven't played golf since high school. What? We know not of this "Chris Chandler" of whom you speak.
The best seats for holes 17 and 18 were free. Hot babes per vessel averaged 4x1. Not bad, but not as good as the Vikings on Lake Minnetonka.