We Need You, Carl Monday

In retaliation for some "hard hitting" that happened on the practice field, a 15-year-old sophomore at Lehi High School in Salt Lake City was sexually assaulted with some sort of "foreign object." It's unclear exactly what happened on the field, and "hard hitting" could mean any number of things. It might just be me, though, but I can't think of a single thing that would make me want to rape a guy with an object, be it foreign or domestic.

The investigation is moving slowly, in part because the young victim has been "severely traumatized." You don't say. Being sexually assaulted by at least three teammates can be truamatizing? The alleged victim says he knows who did it, but has yet to inform police of their identities.

Upon completition of the investigation, if the allegations are anywhere near true, the perpetrators could face first degree felonies. If I could make my own suggestion for their punishment, I'd like for Carl Monday to be assigned to cover this story for the next three years or so. Carl could ruin the lives of someone who actually deserves it, he could redeem himself in the eyes of Deadspin readers, and the story would provide him more opportunities to describe more things that aren't sex as "having sex."

Lehi teen allegedly sexually assaulted by teammates [ABC 4]