Gentlemen, Start Your Wanking

Right now Carl Monday is snapping down the protective visor on his riot helmet, scrambling into the back of the WKYC Action News van and yelling "Let's roll!" Yes, the big Masturbate-A-Thon is tomorrow,* which, if you live in Europe, still leaves you plenty of time to get to Drop Studios in London for the 2 p.m. tip-off. We'd just like to remind all prospective tossers, however, that this is not a free-for-all. There are rules, as listed on the official 2006 Masturbate-A-Thon site:

• 1. No touching other participants.
• 2. NO FAKING ORGASMS! Do not waste our time. If you have an orgasm we are happy for you, but this is not our goal.
• 3. No Drugs or Alcohol, and No Smoking.
• 4. DO NOT Exchange Sex Toys.

By the way, for those too shy to discuss this event in public, we would recommend a trip to the Euphemism Generator. Our favorite so far: "Bludgeoning the witness."

Registration, Official Rules [Masturbate-A-Thon 2006]
Only A Matter Of Time Before This Becomes An Olympic Sport, You Know [Deadspin]
More Tossers On TV [Guardian Unlimited]
Euphemism Generator [Walking Dead.net]

* = Sorry, no "Every day is a Masturbate-a-thon for me" jokes are being accepted at this time.