Let us tell you the story of "Right Hand, Left Hand." It's a tale of good and evil. Hate: It was with this hand that Cane iced his brother. Love: These five fingers, they go straight to the soul of man. The right hand: the hand of love. The story of life is this: Static. One hand is always fighting the other hand, and the left hand is kicking much ass. We mean, it looks like the right hand, Love, is finished. But, hold on, stop the presses, the right hand is coming back. Yeah, he got the left hand on the ropes, now, that's right. Ooh, it's the devastating right, and Hate is hurt, he's down. Left-Hand Hate ... K.O.ed by Love.

One day you're gonna be nice to us. We may both be dead and buried, but you're gonna be nice. At least civil.

If you wanna put some extra mozzarella on that motherfucker and shit, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Smirnoff Ice
• Sony
• Talladega Nights
• Toyota Yaris
• Mobizzo
• Thrillist