Watch An Old Man Cheat Death ... LIVE On Fox!

Slow, public meltdowns are no fun to watch, not even for the notoriously nasty and morbid voyeurs of the Internets. Which is why we await tonight's Evander Holyfield fight with a sense approaching dread. The fight, in Dallas and broadcast live on Fox Sports Net, pits the 43-year-old former champ (and Dancer With The Stars) against Jeremy Bates, a guy who was coaxed out of retirement himself. He had been working as an insurance salesman in Parkersburg, W. Va., after he quit the boxing game with a career record of 21-11-2. So it's a high-quality fight.

This is all part of Holyfield's plan to win the heavyweight championship back again, ideally by the Beijing Olympics in 2008, for whatever reason. He says his next fight, if he is to win/survive this one, is against a ranked opponent.

Holyfield, if you'll remember, has been begged by many to retire for almost a decade now, thanks to a variety of ailments, and was considered a hero for overcoming them to carry the Olympic torch in 1996. This is going to end badly. Someone should probably help him, right? Like, shouldn't someone say something?

Holyfield, Now 43, Returning To The Ring [Fox Sports]