We are officially less than a month before the start of the NFL season, so it's probably time to start previewing the monster. The key to the NFL's success — other than fantasy football and gambling, of course — is the rabid nature of its fans. That is to say: You don't see a lot of people painting their faces for their favorite golfer.
We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.
Right now: the Tennessee Titans. Your author is Clay Travis.
The Tennessee Titans are the best football team in the NFL because they aren't your team. They don't suck. Their players don't suckle on super-mint lozenges and wear tiger-striped jocks like your team does. And their wives don't blow portly deliverymen from UPS while dancing in spandex to MTV pilates videos like the wives of your team's players do. That's because the Titans don't suck. In case you still aren't convinced that the Titans are better than your team I've crafted an 11-point preseason analysis that is destined to be the talk of locker rooms from Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh City.
1. Quarterback Billy Volek to receiver Drew Bennett is the greatest undrafted free agent to undrafted free agent combination in NFL history. I know this because I have spent hours researching this fact. If, however, this is not true and there is a better undrafted free agent combination then I will not be bitter about the research of someone else. Even though this same person will inevitably still masturbate to old photos of Michael Knight lounging on top of K.I.T.T.
2. Albert Haynesworth is the best defensive tackle in the AFC, and he was born with a full beard. Name me any other defensive player in the league who is only 25 and has had a beard for every year and every day of his entire life. Fact is, you can't. That's because your team is made up of dew-faced pansies.
3. Vince Young throws a football just like Uncle Rico. This means in the always important, "Which NFL team is most likely to be featured in Napoleon Dynamite II?" category, the Titans win hands down. Also, our new mascot is a liger.
4. Titans cornerback Pacman Jones used to live across the street from a friend of mine who had a racist dog. Every time Pacman Jones walked by the dog would go crazy. Yet Pacman was still very nice to her and her dog. Would you be nice to someone if they had a racist dog? Didn't think so. You racist.
5. Are you male and do you have a wife or girlfriend between the ages of 18 and 30? If so, only by the grace of god has Drew Bennett not decided to sleep with her. Seriously, you owe him. If he wanted to, after 10 minutes, he could have her reenacting any scene from any porno movie filmed in the San Fernando Valley in the last 15 years. Yep...even that one you're thinking about right now.
6. You probably think dreadlocks on football players are played out. Boy, are you ever wrong. They're so dope. Dreadlocks are so cool, they're frozen. And safety Lamont Thompson has the coolest dreadlocks in the league. So there. Face.
7. Keith Bulluck's actual skin is Under Armour.
8. Ben Troupe put on a dress replete with lace pantaloons and a hoop skirt and played Mother Ginger at a performance of the Nashville Ballet last year. The next game he played in the pantaloons and was still faster than your best defensive back. When he scored, he signed the hoop from his dress and gave it to a fan. That's class.
9. Jesse Mahelona is from Hawaii. Does your team have a player from Hawaii? No, of course not, because your coaches are too fat to sit on an airplane that long. Also, if they were on the airplane, the coaches of your team like pina coladas and would get drunk off one cocktail after which they would lead the entire plane in a sing-a-long to that pina coladas song about getting drunk in the rain. Whereas the Titans coaches are so committed to their gameplans they get drunk off pure ethanol, and then only if they consume three gallons in one sitting.
10. NFL Jock Sizes: X-Large, XX-Large, Kyle Vanden Bosch.
11. Jeff Fisher's mustache was the model for Colin Farrell in Miami Vice. Colin actually came to Nashville and spent a few weeks following Fisher around just to see how he combed and spruced up the 'stache. Once when Jeff Fisher cut off his mustache the city of Nashville sank 20 feet. We don't like to talk about it.