AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
One of the most vivid memories of the infamous J.D. Drew night at Vet Stadium was, at various points during the game, my father and I would just stand up to watch the crowd. The score of the game, the innings — all of it irrelevant as we watched the misguided anger wash over the stadium , section by section, row by row. This wasn't normal Philadelphia booing; it was sinister, ominous and had lost all semblance of humanity. Of course, people yelled. The batteries came down. And signs were unfurled. One in particular, "J.D. JEW" spoke volumes about how thoughtlessly cruel some idiot fans can be. Even worse? That even though it was in plain site of plenty of maroon golf-shirted Vet stadium staff, they weren't asked to put it away. Why? Well, when thousands of riled-up drunk people are packing batteries and spark plugs to throw at a baseball player in order to show their "passion," little things like anti-semitism become less of an immediate problem.
So, regardless of the extra uniformed police, the plainclothes police, the snipers, the tear gas, the missile launchers or whatever other beefed-up security is paraded out into the gaping maw posing as The Linc this weekend there's gonna be some trouble, kids. You know that guy at the bar, the one who gets progressively drunker, louder and more belligerent as the night goes on.? That's Philadelphia this week. And just like that guy at the bar, you can't keep your eyes off of him. Because you know, at some point, he's going to start swinging.
So, I'm putting on my raggedy Calvin-pissing-on-a-Cowboys t-shirt, my Cheesesteak head and my limited edition Frank Rizzo boxer shorts to place odds on some of the fans most likely to be ejected from this weekend's Eagles/Cowboys game.
For the love of Gregg "Trash" Garrity, jump with me.
Goateed Man With Own Name on Back of Eagles Jersey: 4/1
The Great Northeast's finest love to spend their hard earned money at Modell's to get their last names stitched on the back of a McNabb jersey. These people want to prove that they're not just fans: They're super fans! Beware of that squatty fella in the black and green. Hey, you can't treat him that way. Don't you know who that is? That's ol' number 5. Dinunzio.
Most likely to be thrown out for: Punch thrown at yellow jacketed security guard.
Man Wearing Sweatpants: 3/1
Fresh off the morning shift at Magglio's Sausage, this guy will smell like a mix of bracciole and Kools and had spent the last 10 minutes before kickoff shot-gunning beers behind Chickie's and Pete's. Once at the game, the first penalty flag will set him off in a profanity-laced tirade about the inconsistencies of holding penalties articulated most effectively by starting the "Azzzz-ole" chant.
Most likely to be thrown out for: Urinating in popcorn box at seat.
Dumpy Young Woman in Gray Hooded Sweatshirt and Pink Eagles Baseball Hat: 4/1
Even though she spent all night partying at Brownie's 23 East until 3 a.m. the night before (she knew the bartender), this classy young lady will still rally enough to wake up at 8:30 a.m. to meet the gang down at Pole 8 for some tailgating. She'll be wearing flip-flops, pounding Yuenglings and taking countless pictures of her and her friends with her cellphone. But don't be fooled by the raspy voice, the raucous laughter and how friendly she is to everyone in her section. Go ahead: Ask her to please stop kicking your chair. Or screaming in your ear. Or spilling beer on your wife's back. See how she reacts.
Most likely thrown out for: Spitting at Landmark concession stand vendor who cut her off before halftime.
Dudes in Mike Zordich Jerseys: 3/1
Treat them the same way you treat guys who own pick-up truck with confederate flag mud flaps. The Zordiches (Zordich-i?) cheer the loudest right before kickoff, but halfway through the first quarter, their attention span will turn to stealthily pouring their Hawaiian Punch Rum Runners into white plastic cups, not so tastefully requesting any woman in their section to take their tops off and pointing out people who "need their ass kicked."
Most likely to be tossed out for: Throwing empty cup at black guy in Roy Williams jersey three rows down.
The Black Guy in the Roy Williams Jersey: 1/1
Hey, he probably said something to provoke it.
Most likely to be thrown out for: Causing scene over alleged "cup" thrown at him during game.