Nothing can beat the international mystery and intrigue of collegiate marching bands, and the Wisconsin band apparently did something so "boorish and patently offensive" that it can never be spoken of.

UW-Madison is not releasing details on what happened during the bus trip to the Sept. 23 game against the University of Michigan. ... [Chancellor John] Wiley warned in the letter he would consider suspending activities and travel of the band or replacing its leadership if there were more reports of "gratuitous vulgarity, sexualized banter or joking, hazing, or other forms of demeaning conduct."

So, apparently, something so wretched and horrible and degrading and AWESOME happened on the Wisconsin band bus a few weeks ago that no one can even talk about it, though if it happens again, there's gonna be hell to pay. We've been researching around to see if we can get a sense of what happened, but, so far, no dice. If anybody has any info, let us know or, in lieu of that, please feel free to post your most grotesque, offensive and unsubstantiated theories in the comments. Fred Smoot had to have been involved somehow, right?

UW Band Must Face The Music [Madison State Journal]

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(UPDATE: So the details have come out. They include:

"• A female band member told to suck on a sex toy in an apparent hazing incident.
• Women being forced to kiss other women in order to gain access to bus bathrooms.
• Women being forced to draw pornographic pictures for older male band members, recite obscene limericks or stories, and read aloud explicit accounts of their sexual preferences composed for them by others for older male band members.
• The practice of women swapping shirts with males.
• Demeaning and abusive demands for younger band members to run errands and refill beer cups for older members."

Bah! That's it?!