We've discussed the comedic stylings of development league player Rod Benson before, but his newest entry, on what a professional athlete has to go through when they take a drug test, absolutely must be experienced.
I was drug tested on the first day of the season and the last day, and I must say that you never really get used to having another grown man watch you pull down your pants and piss in front of him into a cup. I mean, I guess this is how it has to be because of people who try to fake the tests. I honestly had no idea what a "Wizzonator" was until I had an NBDL drug test. A "Wizzonator" is a fake penis that I guess you somehow fill with someone else's piss and it does the pissing for you during the test. I can only imagine how ridiculous Ontario Smith felt being caught using a coddamn Wizzonator. He must have used the white one instead of the black model. Either way, because of past cheaters, now the guy who does the testing has to watch you pull down your pants while you sum up the energy to piss for him. I swear I had to go real bad before I went in there, but the pressure got to me. I mean, it's not just the pressure to go, but I mean, another man is about to stare at your penis for hella long... it's not very comfortable.
What was worse for me was, there was another guy in there who was talking with the tester right before I had to go. He says to his buddy: "Last week I had to test Amare Stoudemire and Tim Duncan, now I'm here with these guys." Hmm, really? Great. Now I have to measure up to the big boys. I have gotten good reviews in the past...I mean, I am Rod Benson and everything...you know... TOO MUCH... but this is about a lot more now, now I'm going one on one with big Timmy. I feel like the guy is staring right through me. He is just sizing me up thinking to himself: "Yea, this guy isn't NBA Caliber...I wouldn't give him a call-up based off this," or he's saying "Wow, get this guy a 10 day right now." Either way, it's bad. I mean he probably isn't thinking that, but the fact that he could be thinking that is really bothering me. You don't just name drop the last two guys you saw naked then close me into the coddamn bathroom stall.
There are so many brilliant things about these two paragraphs that we can't ... take ... it. Our three favorites:
• The guy whose job it is to stare at other men's penises while they urinate complains about having to perform this function on less-than-world-caliber players.
• We never considered the possibility that Onterrio Smith was busted for his Whizzonator because he chose a white one. This has made us giggle for the last 15 minutes.
• "Going one on one with Big Timmy."
No offense to Paul Shirley ... but Rod Benson is the guy who deserves the book contract.