Five Minutes With Jeremy Hotz

Introducing Standing Room Only, a new feature in which Deadspin associate editor Rick Chandler pulls a stand-up comedian off of the street, briefly interrogates him about sports in a dimly lit room, then sets him free. Today, it's Ottawa's own Jeremy Hotz.

Jeremy Hotz is a former staff writer on The Daily Show With John Stewart who has also made several appearances on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, and was in the films Speed II and My Favorite Martian. Mocking him for that is complete bullshit. If you have a nominee for Standing Room Only, email Rick at rick@deadspin.com. And now, after the jump, the "interview."

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Q: Favorite NFL team?

A: I'm a Steelers fan, but we weren't very good this year. I blame Roethlisberger. What an asshole. He gets in a motorcycle accident, and he's not wearing a helmet. What? You wear a helmet in every fucking game. Utter bullshit.

Q: What about baseball?

A: I was a big Montreal Expos fan. Now I like the Washington Nationals. I'm terrified each time they take the field; I have stomach issues anyway. In hockey I like the Toronto Maple Leafs, and they of course didn't make the playoffs. None of my teams win anything. They are an extension of my personality.

Q: Do you work out?

A: Are you fucking kidding? Look at me. I am not an attractive man. These clothes are the only thing holding me together; when I'm nude, my body shoots off in all directions. I'm like a starfish.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Canada and the U.S.?

A: In Canada you can still settle things with your fists. If there's a fight in a bar, no one goes to jail. In America, everyone's arrested because, oh, someone might have a gun. Hockey is our big sport, and if you fight in hockey you get five minutes for it, that's it. So in Canada, everyone is fighting.

Q: Other differences?

A: Your pine cones are much bigger than ours. You have giant fucking pine cones in America. They could kill a person. It's fucking bullshit.

Q: Favorite NFL quarterback besides Ben Roethlisberger?

A: Michael Vick. Because I have a dog that loves to fight. It's a border collie, and they fight low to the ground. Other dogs are terrified of my dog, because he gets low and goes for the balls.

Q: Your girlfriend recently left you. Main point of contention?

A: The Super Bowl. Come on, it's the biggest game of the season; we can go antiquing any time! You want to do what? (changes channel on imaginary remote). When I'm watching sports I can't be bothered. So one day she said goodbye, went straight out the door and never stopped walking. The problem was that we lived in a flat area and I had to watch her leave for about 5 1/2 days.