Remember the old days, when the bus driver who drove you and your school friends to the ball game just masturbated with his hand? Now they're using mechanical devices and popping pills ... it's just like everything else in baseball; cheating is rampant. All the records are tainted.

Queens District Attorney Richard A. Brown announced Thursday that the 68-year-old yellow school bus driver taking a group of Bronx middle school children to a Mets game Wednesday afternoon has been charged with public lewdness and endangering the welfare of children, among other crimes. He was allegedly discovered in the Shea Stadium parking lot sitting on the school bus with his pants down around his ankles and masturbating with the assistance of a mechanical device.

OK, we'll bite: Uh ... what kind of mechanical device? Was it attached to the bus? Or was it hidden in the glove compartment? Define "mechanical." We're just not sure how this worked; we're bad at math.

Bus Driver Charged With Lewdness At Shea Stadium [WJZ-13]