ESPN Employees Need Their Cash NOW

We know the big ESPN interoffice complaint memorandum we posted yesterday was enormous and unwieldy, but seriously, folks: It's an absolute treasure trove of gorgeous goodness. So, for the rest of the week, we'll be highlighting two particularly hilarious and illustrative segments from the memo each day. Right now: ESPN employees' odd, desperate search for quick cash.

Question: Is there or could there be an option to receive a pay check once a week instead of every other Thursday? Many of us live pay check to pay check. Being able to be paid every week would help tremendously.

Answer: All ESPN employees are paid on a bi-weekly basis and have the same pay date. Payroll is a shared service provided by our parent company and ESPN cannot operate under a different system.

First off, we feel obliged to point out that receiving a check once a week rather than once every two weeks does not, in fact, "help tremendously," unless, of course, you are a drug addict. (We agree: Irvin!) Of all the questions, this is the one that John Skipper must have been biting his knuckles to force himself not to be sarcastic. Being able to answer this question with a straight face? That, friends, is the mark of a true leader.

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]