"Hi, it's me again sports fans. Just to prove how many different kinds of crazy we are here here in the cave, we have now called for the deaths of decadent sexpots David Beckham, Wayne Rooney and Thierry Henry. Also, Justin Timberlake and P. Diddy have been added to the list. Act now, for these eternal blessings from God will not last long.

"And for this week only, everyone who strikes for Allah will receive this Al-Qaeda crochet coffee cozy. You may cool to our capricious homicidal agenda, but your beverage doesn't have to! Well, get to work you nutty militants; these people aren't going to assassinate themselves."

Plot To Murder Becks And Roo [News Of The World, via Deuce of Davenport]