Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
Do we really need the point after touchdown?
Every time I'm forced to watch a game with some dumb fuck who doesn't know anything about football (and this happens way more often than I would like), I get this exchange:
Dumb Fuck: What are they doing now?
Me: Well, they just scored a touchdown. So now they're lining up for the point after.
Dumb Fuck: What's that?
Me: If you score, you get to try and kick the ball for an extra point.
Dumb Fuck: Why?
Me: I don't know. That's just how it works.
Dumb Fuck: But why? Didn't they already score?
Me: It's probably, like, a bonus or something.
Dumb Fuck Who Kinda Has A Good Point: But why do they get a bonus score?
Me, Now Feeling Like A Dumb Fuck: GOD DAMMIT, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAD?!
I've heard commentators and players bitch that too much of a football game's outcome is reliant on the kicker. So, why not get rid of this one aspect of the kicking game? What fucking purpose does it deserve? I understand the point of the field goal. If you get close but can't quite punch it in, you deserve a chance to score a smaller amount of points. To cop a feel, as it were. Without that, the Browns would never have a chance to make final scores appear respectable.
But the PAT? Fuck it. We don't need it. PAT's are almost always converted, so why punish the team that has the occasional lousy snap? Granted, this would mean that Tony Romo's big botch last year wouldn't have existed. And I'm always happy to see the Cowboys eat shit and die on national television. But plays like that are few and far in between.("Correction: Romo's botched snap was on a field goal, and not an extra point. Which makes my argument even stronger, bitch!")
What about this: We make all TD's worth seven points, so that TD's still mean more than two field goals, and to keep all football fans with OCD from locking themselves in the basement. Then, we force every team to try for a one-point conversion on offense, just like the current two point conversion. Ha! See that, Gregg Easterbrook? You aren't the only football fan that can think outside of the box! Slut.
I'm sure coaches would hate this idea. But fuck them. The rules of football should be designed to please me, the viewer. I'm the paying customer. If I want seven-point TD's and no more kicking conversions, I should get it. If I want horse collar tackles to be legal (and worth an extra 1/2 point), I should get it. If I want all cheerleaders to wear mandatory belly chains, I should get it. If I want to see Chris Berman gargle a warm glass of piss, I should get it. I put my idea to someone who actually knows something about football, Michael David Smith of Football Outsiders. Here's what he suggested:
"If your idea is to eliminate the kick, make it an automatic 7 if that's what the coach wants, but give him the opportunity to go for a conversion of +/- 1 point, so that if they make it it's 8 but if they miss it's 6, I think it eliminates the most boring play in football (the kicked PAT) and makes the two-point conversion just as fun as ever."
Fuck me, that's way better than what I came up with! Let's make that happen, Roger Goodell. Move your fat ass. As my good friend Unsilent Majority says, PAT's are just as gay as kickers.
All games in the Jambaroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Chargers at Patriots: After their epic collapse against the Pats in the last year's divisional playoff, then-Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer was allegedly overheard remarking on the sideline, "I was pulling into the parking lot today and I decided we were going to be aggressive." This quote makes me think of Dylan Baker jerking it to an issue of Teen Beat in Happiness. Now THAT is aggression in a parking lot. God, I hated that movie. At least Marty figured out he needed to be aggressive when he reached the parking lot. It takes Norv Turner until midway through the postgame spread to reach a similar conclusion. All I know is that, given that Patriot fans have somehow found a way to become even more fucking smug and obnoxious, I'm rooting for Tom Brady to pull a Jon Jansen. Fucking cheaters.
Jets at Ravens: Ray Lewis may sit out this game with a torn tricep. I'm sure, like me, you noticed that the human anatomy has both a tricep and a bicep, yet it has no unicep, or cep. But I think we can make one up. You know how, when you get a boner, you can kind of get it to snap to attention? Flex it, even? You can't hold it up, but you can definitely get it to spring a bit, like a diving board after someone's done a cannonball. That's the unicep that does that. I hyperextend mine every weekend in the fitting room at Old Navy.
Colts at Titans: One of the biggest stories in the publishing industry recently has been the success of Tony Dungy's new book, Quiet Strength. Dungy's book has hit the top of the NY Times bestseller list twice and has sold hundreds of thousands of copies. Gee, I wonder how he did it? Let's check the Amazon reviews:
"I so loved reading how he gives praise and glory to God when he has successes and how he praises God and continues to ask Gods wisdom for his life and where he must go and must do."
"He can motivate the people around him, and his faith in Christ is contagious."
"Coach Tony Dungy not only won the Super Bowl but his book even does better and speaks volumes about the life of faith in Christ."
"I love the fact that coach Dungy dislikes himself some fags. Because GOD HATES FAGS."
One of those quotes is completely fabricated, but I still find quite pertinent. The movie version of Dungy's book will star Kirk Cameron and feature songs by the one and only Michael W. Smith.
Skins at Eagles: Given that the Eagles are usually the ones to suffer terrible injuries, it must be nice that the shoe is on the other foot this time. And that the other foot is laying about five feet away from the rest of the body.
Seahawks at Cardinals: That's right. It's Leitch vs. Ufford. Deadspin vs. With Leather. Emo bangs vs. pinstripe pants. Jim Cooke vs. 289. Tired Barbaro jokes vs. tired rape jokes. Chandler vs. DeBruin. Ankiel vs. Stokke. Clammy vs. Pasty. Angsty vs. Brooding. "I have humble Midwest origins!" vs. "I fucking fought in Iraq, you ungrateful whores!" False humility vs. no humility. Serial monogamy vs. serial womanizing. Brooklyn vs. uh, another section of Brooklyn. Should be quite a battle.
Bills at Steelers: Now these are two handsome fanbases. Together, they represent over 68 percent of the world's pork tidbit consumption.
Niners at Rams
Saints at Bucs: Aside from Atlanta, there isn't a more nondescript team in the NFL right now than the Bucs. At least the Browns have Brady Quinn. At least they have a future: a future adorned with sequined manpurses and lots of rattan patio furniture. But it's still something to hang your hat on. What do the Bucs have? Oooh, Jon Gruden looks mad! I think he said, "Choke on my hot shit," to that ref! Haven't seen him do that that before!
Cowboys at Dolphins: Terry Glenn could be out. Did you know that Terry Glenn has a reversible name, just like an early 90's Logo Athletic warmup jacket? It's true. Glenn Terry is the cross country coach at Radford University. What if they got married? Terry Terry? Glenn Glenn? That is fucking trippy.
Packers at Giants: Eli Manning may sit out this game, which would give him time to do more of what he truly loves: skipping through meadows and picking wildflowers. Bring on Lorenzen!
Texans at Panthers
Raiders at Broncos
Vikings at Lions
Bengals at Browns: I played cornhole for the first time two weeks ago. And I must say, I quite enjoyed it. You can find all your cornholing equipment needs here at the Cornhole Portal. Something tells me the custom-made Puerto Rican flag cornhole board isn't a very big seller. Speaking of bags going into holes, Brady "Teabag" Quinn should finally see some action. On the field.
Falcons at Jaguars
Chiefs at Bears
Five Players Who Could Fuck Your Fantasy Team Over
• Larry Johnson (RB): But I'm sure you've got plenty of depth behind him. Surely, you snagged Steven Jackson somewhere in Rounds 3-5.
• Santana Moss (WR): Though I'm sure Al Saunders has some killer plays drawn up for him
• Ben Roethlisberger (QB): Not the world's most historically consistent fellow, is he?
• Julius Jones (RB): He may not score a TD all year
• Philip Rivers (QB): Did you see him jump around pouting like a little fucking girl during the Bears game last week? That's Norv Turner discipline, right there.
Five Players You Might Want To Think About Starting, Only To Have Them Screw You Regardless Of What You End Up Choosing To Do
• James Jones (WR): With Eli out, the Giants defense could somehow manage to become even worse
• Fred Taylor (RB): Jacksonville may run the ball 50 times
• Chris Chambers (WR): Big target with a mediocre QB worked well against the Cowboys a week ago
• Alex Smith (QB): Eh, I can't be wrong every week. Just kidding. I can be EXTREMELY wrong every week. I make as many mistakes as Mr. Bean, only without the rubber-faced charm
• Lamont Jordan (RB): May as well see if he can keep it up, perhaps by using his unicep
NOTE: All fantasy advice poorly researched and inserted here strictly to confuse you. Last week I suggested benching Roy Williams (oops), Marion Barber (shit), Vince Young (he scored) and Calvin Johnson (fuck me, I should be jailed). I also suggested starting Patrick Crayton (wrong), Alex Smith (yikes), and Devery Henderson (I could work for Yahoo!). Even the DeShaun Foster and Dallas Clark picks were meh.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Brandon Jacobs (knee)
• Steven Jackson (expectations)
• Shawn Springs (fabricated attitude problem)
• Shawne Merriman (enlarged rape gland)
• Tom Brady (lanced cock boil)
This Week's Suicide Pick
Last week's suicide pool pick of Seattle was correct. So we again pick a suicide pool team and a way of committing actual suicide. This week's pick: Denver, and unloading a shotgun up through your chin while listening to "Stained Class" by Judas Priest.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Egg rolls. For years the dominant force in deep-fried, cylindrical Chinese appetizers, the egg roll has lost ground to the spring roll over the course of the past decade. And you can see why. Spring rolls are sleeker, sexier, like a Swisher Sweet stuffed with shredded cabbage. But the egg roll shall make a comeback one day. Bet on it!
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
American Beer. You fucking love America. You fucking love beer. Well, why not fucking love them together, with the malt beverage equivalent of Sam's Club soda? You can practically taste the freedom. Now this ain't some fancyass foreigner beer, made with hops and yeast and all that Eurofag shit. American is beer made from 100 percent pure American minute rice. If only it were more expensive, so that only Americans could afford it. I don't like the idea of Paco, my subcontractor of an unknown Latin American origin, partaking in such a blessed way of drinkin'.
Sunday Afternoon Film Of The Week For Raider Fans
Fresh, starring Sean Nelson, Samuel L. Jackson, and a stellar Giancarlo Esposito. With a bitchin' score courtesy of Stewart Copeland. Fresh is one of my favorite movies ever, but that's not why it's relevant here. No, this movie is important because A) It has a dogfighting scene, and B) It has a dog execution scene, where Nelson hangs his dog from a fire escape and shoots him. Wanna know how Michael Vick got lured into dogfighting? Perhaps, back in 1994, he was just a 16-year-old cineaste, hoping to find the next Kurosawa before director Boaz Yakin turned him on to this terrible bloodsport. Yes, THAT Boaz Yakin, the same man who directed Remember The Titans, a football movie. You see how far this conspiracy goes up?! Memorable quote: "You tripping on your own shit, motherfucker. Only harem you playin' is them five fingers on your own fuckin' hand."
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Ah, Rex Morgan, MD. You have the prescription for the daily blues."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Jenna Fischer, seen here in "Blades of Glory". Jenna, are you an official here? Because you have officially given me a boner!
• For the gals: Christian Bale, seen here in between his American Psycho size and his Machinist size.
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR... that Pam Oliver has nicknamed her ass "The Pogo Ball".
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won't
• "Coach Belichick, you just lost by 40 points. Why are you such a shitty coach all of a sudden?"
• "Coach Philips, can I ask you a question once you've finished eating that entire carton of Skinny Cows?"
• "Santana, you scored 6 TD's this week! How did that happen?"
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
"That smarts, doesn't it? Getting slammed in the nose. Fucks you all up. You get that pain shootin' through your brain, your eyes fill up with water. That ain't any kind of fun, but what I have to offer you, that's as good as it's gonna get. And it won't ever get that good again."
Last week, I said that Eli Manning would take solace at the Chelsea Piers squash court. Reader Andrew Z. has alerted me that Chelsea Piers does not, in fact, have a squash court. Fucking A. They have dressage facilities at Chelsea Piers, but no squash? Some gay athletic facility that place is!
Oh, and if you're expecting me to correct the spelling of Jamboroo, I'm not. Jamboree is spelled with an O. Jamberoo, with an E, is a town in Australia. This is the Jamboroo. If you don't like how it's spelled, you can fuck the fuck off.
Enjoy the games, everyone.