Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
You're, of course, familiar with the top secret, company-wide ESPN memo obtained by this evil little site earlier this year. It was a fascinating document, offering precious insight as to just how little ESPN could give a shit about you, the viewer. It also shed some light on how ESPN works as a company. Clearly, their workforce lacks the can-do spirit of companies such as the Crimson Permanent Assurance (seen above).
Well, as luck would have it, I have obtained a second town meeting memo that centered squarely on ESPN's NFL coverage. My journalistic integrity precludes me from revealing my source, but he/she/Pam Ward has given me permission to repost it here, in its entirety. Enjoy!
TO: Content Staff FROM: John Skipper DATE: 10/10/2007
SUBJECT: October '07 Town Meetings Q&A Follow-Up
During our October Town Meetings, there were several questions that I was unable to answer. All of the replies below are from various department heads, who were able to address those particular questions.
As one of the on-air talents, who am I supposed to blatantly root for on the air with regard to Sunday's Cowboys-Patriots tilt?! I feel like I'm being forced to choose between my own children! IT'S TEARING ME APART!!!! Please, tell me what to do!
Please do not panic. As always, we have a special plan in place to ensure that the thoughts of the individual remain in concert with the thoughts of the collective. Please do not attempt to formulate your own opinion, or you will be locked in Conference Room 8J and angrily buttfucked by a starving brown bear. We laid out a plan for this scenario well before the season began. For this week's Patriots-Cowboys game, we will root for whichever team is currently on offense, and then spend the rest of the year rooting for the team that emerges victorious.
To make sure we are giving each team the proper knobslobbing, we are taking drastic steps. Next week's NFL Countdown will pretend no other teams exist. We have also stationed Ed Werder inside Jerry Jones' colon and Sal Paolantonio inside Bill Belichick's "Tickle Room" for the duration of the week. We also have a portable defibrillator on hand for Mr. Berman should he again feel tingling in his arm. Rest assured, neither team will be go without a full-on salad tossing.
Can you believe last Monday night's game?! I mean, can you believe it?! One team was behind, but then they came back and WON at the end! I mean, that is AMAZING! Could you ever have envisioned that?!
Excellent observation, Tony. I think you're doing a bang-up job.
Help! I've been blinded by Suzy Kolber's turtleneck!
I'm sorry, but our benefits don't include workman's comp. But Ms. Kolber has been asked to forgo glaring pastels for calmer earth tones from now on.
I was wondering if we could have more local ads pop up on ESPNNEWS just as the score viewers want is about to come up on the crawl. I like the fact that the crawl is displayed during national ads, but then it arbitrarily goes away during ads for wood chippers.
We are behind that 100% and working to make sure viewers NEVER get the score they want.
A certain on-air talent has taken to analyzing his own bowel movements in the fourth floor men's room, which I can hear even from the women's bathroom. I typed out this transcript: "Now that is a flat-out GREAT shit. I don't care who you are, you have to respect what my ass is doing right now. You can just see this turtle pushing pushing pushing out, and then releasing to the corner of the bowl. You know what? I want to get a replay of this on my phone. You see how my massive brown Payday bar runs the curl? Tell you what, that's the kind of route I remember from back in my days at USC." Is there any way I can prevent this sort of thing from happening ever ever ever again?
No. Talent can do whatever the fuck they want. Maybe if you loosened up your blouse and your panties a bit, this wouldn't be such a problem for you, sweetheart.
Mr. Ditka headbutted the vending machine again. Can we get him some sort of forehead padding?
R&D is already on this and should have something prepared by mid-March.
I was watching the opening to Monday Night Football, and I feel like our cross-promotion with the show "Dirty Sexy Money" was a bit soft. Couldn't we have forced that down the viewers' throats for at least 35 minutes, instead of just 25? Peter Krause is dreamy!
We are listening to your concerns on that, and it will be addressed. Christina Applegate will be doing the entire second half of this week's broadcast AND she will be doing it in character as Samantha Who? Should be fun.
I was working on a PowerPoint deck with Mr. Parcells when he decided to go home at 9PM. But we hadn't finished! I was up until 2AM that night formatting the template. I want to know how we can force some accountability around here on matters such as this.
For our policy on Accountability, please see the 250,000 words of legal copy at the end of our company handbook. All company responsibility has been redirected by our lawyers to a trademarked fictional character named "The Earl Of Persimmon."
Mr. Simmons said he guaranteed me a 9-5 betting week 13 days ago. I want my money back or I'll tear that smarmy fucking douche limb from limb.
The company does not discuss matters of usury. Those are strictly private matters between employees dumb enough to actually think they're smarter than Vegas. Thank you all for your questions. You fucking sheep.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Patriots at Cowboys
Redskins at Packers: Chris Berman recently said that rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America. I'm not sure Chris understands just how many people out there fucking hate America.
Raiders at Chargers: The shockingly decent Raiders could end up being a factor in the AFC West if they win in San Diego. For that alone, Lane Kiffin deserves some kind of prize. My suggestion: a job outside of Oakland. Failing that, perhaps Bubb Rubb could give him some free whistle tips.
Bengals at Chiefs: There are two things that will compel me to watch a bad game. The first, obviously, is if I have fantasy players playing in it. But the second thing is if it's on CBS. That sounds odd, but somehow shitty games feel even shittier when broadcast on FOX. CBS has nicer graphics to class up the joint, plus they have the Stattrax. I can't tell you how much I enjoy getting instant stat totals after each play. There's nothing quite like spending an entire game watching Larry Johnson reach 32 total yards carry by agonizing carry.
Titans at Bucs: Both these teams have winning records, and yet I feel like they suck.
Vikings at Bears: And here are two teams that leave no doubt whatsoever as to their suckitude. Although the Bears suck far less.
Eagles at Jets: Nice to see the Jets finally fulfilling last year's expectations.
Saints at Seahawks
Rams at Ravens: My mind wanders during a game this fucking terrible. I often find myself wondering where my belly hair ends and my pubic hair begins. I'm sorry, did I write that out loud?
Dolphins at Browns: And how come I look so good in the mirror but so lousy in photographs?
Panthers at Cardinals: Sometimes, when I masturbate, I like to pretend I'm a fighter pilot trying to get his plane out of a tailspin. Oh, and this game blows.
Giants at Falcons: I was a freshman in college in '94. That was the fall that "Pulp Fiction" came out. Ever walk into a dorm party with 30 drunk girls in sweatpants singing "Son Of A Preacher Man" in unison? This game promises to be just as annoying.
Texans at Jaguars
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Six Barrel Shotgun" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. I like BRMC (that's the acronym used by wannabes such as myself). I especially like the fact that they have a cool name. It's obvious to me that they just sat around one day and tried to find the coolest keywords possible. Then they just threw them together to make a band name. Black? That's a cool color. And rebels are totally cool because they don't give a fuck about nuthin'. And cool people ride motorcycles, too! And they're in clubs that are super exclusive! Hence, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. What's it mean? It means awesomeness, that's what the fuck it means.
That's the kind of band name I'm happy to say aloud. There's nothing worse than having someone ask what I'm listening to, followed by me being embarrassed to say the name of the band because it's so stupid. For example, I'm a big fan of a British rock group named A. That's it. That their name. Just the letter A. What a fucking awful name. If I'm listening to a song by that band and someone asks me who they are, I make up a different name for them, like Hail of Bullets, or something like that. I'm too embarrassed to say the band's real name. That's not good.
"Six Barrel Shotgun" is a cool song, and I like the fact that it evokes a badass piece of weaponry that, from what I can tell, does not yet exist. But I can picture such a weapon in my mind, and it looks fucking sweet. Good spraying radius with six barrels. You're bound to hit at least a piece of your target with that.
To balance out this gross display of musical taste, I'm establishing the following weekly item to counter it:
Embarrassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
I once owned cassingles by the dozen. Yes, I'm old. Fuck you in the pants. You might think it's dumb to pay $5 for a cassingle when you could get an entire album for $10. Not so. Trust me, it was well worth that extra money to NOT hear the rest of Slaughter's "Stick It To Ya." I really do believe that. This week's cassingle is "Jealous," by Gene Loves Jezebel, who were apparently the sister band to Johnny Hates Jazz (Fast Fact: "Shattered Dreams" is Trent Green's favorite song). I don't think there was anyone named Gene or Jezebel in that band. But they do still exist. Fun fact: they have TWO drummers. Why? Eh, why the fuck not?
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Matt Leinart (collarbone, feelings)
• Shaun Alexander (senior slide)
• Michael Pittman (club penis)
• David Carr (split ends)
• Terrell Owens (rectal worm)
This Week's Suicide Pick
Last week's suicide pool pick of Green Bay was wrong. Dead wrong. And just like that, I'm outta the game. But fuck it, let's keep picking suicide pool teams and actual ways of committing suicide anyway. Off the board now are Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 4-1). This week's pick: Chicago, and the Japanese honor suicide of banging a grenade on your helmet and then giving it a big, cuddly hug, as seen here:
Silly Japanese military. You're supposed to take some American motherfuckers down with you. Kamikazes don't have to strictly be the domain of the sky, you know. Idiots.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Burger King's Chicken Fries. I have a long-standing aversion to food that is shaped like other food. And surely, Chicken Fries have to be one of the more repulsive innovations fast food engineers have foisted upon the world. These fuckers are right up there with things like cheeseburger egg rolls, or Pancakes and Sausage on a stick (I made fun of it before it was cool, Daily Show!), or Frito Lay's Sour Cream and Cheddar Flavored Dried Pig Assholes (patent pending).
And yet, I kinda want to try them. Kinda. I like chicken. I like fries. Surely joining the two together in this unholy alliance could produce equal amounts of flavor and regret. After all, it's just a chicken nugget, only longer. Yet I will probably refrain. These things just fucking LOOK like pure evil. And the fact that they are in fry form suggests they are meant to be a side dish, which disturbs me. Hey, you know what would be good with this Whopper? A side of fried chicken. Oh, but don't worry. It's shaped like a Virginia Slim, so how bad could it possibly be for you?
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Schaefer. I think we're all familiar with the dreaded "Schaefer Shits," which have been given a plural name because you never take just one. Drinking a case of Schaefer is a great way of punishing your asshole for any recent misbehavior. Chances are, you'll end up in a bathroom stall at four in the morning, with your head tucked between your knees, suffering through a shit that has no end. And smells like scrambled eggs to boot. You think it's over at one point. You really do. Lord knows enough has spilled out of you. But you know there's something left up there. Only it's not coming until your sphincter is as red as the Schaefer label. You cut your losses and decide to wrap things up, but then you end up back in the can ten minutes later, condemned to an evening of fruitless squeezing.
Other than that, it's not that bad a beer.
Sunday Afternoon Film Of The Week For Rams Fans
Clockwise. I'm a card-carrying Anglophile. I watch lots of BCC America ("Coupling" with Oliver is bullshit). I like to say "cheers" instead of "thank you." And I'm contractually obligated to see any film that includes a former member of Python. Some of these movies are not very good, like Erik The Viking ("We will now sing the song that goes tum titty tum tee tum tum tum!"). Others, like Yellowbeard, have their moments (Blind Pew, anyone?). And others, like Clockwise, I think are pretty good but I don't quite remember. It's no Fish Called Wanda, but it does feature lots of set pieces with John Cleese running around and getting really pissed off at everyone. Works for me.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Nicole "Coco" Austin. Coco is married to Ice-T. And apparently, their sex life is quite thrilling. Coco once told Smooth magazine, "We have a box of devices. Ice calls one of the vibrators 'Jack Black'." I too like to name my vibrators after comedians. I have one named after Jeff Dunham that has a smaller, talking vibrator pop out of it. It's more creepy than exciting.
• For the gals: The always appealing Tim McGraw. Can't hold onto the lamp. Can't hold on to the football.
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR... that Andy Reid could step down as soon as this week! And if not this week, then maybe next week, or maybe every week after that until we're correct!
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won't
• "Vinny, would you like me to cut your steak for you?"
• "Coach Belichick, can you please get a stroke? It wouldn't change your personality, but it would make the rest of the NFL feel much better."
• "Byron, how were you able to complete that pass while eating an entire carton of chicken fries?"
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
"Hello?! You PLAY TO WIN THE GAME, people. Unless, of course, you're me. No, I like my men to prepare as if losing is never in doubt."
Enjoy the games, everyone.