Introducing Rejected Commenter TheaterS

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, featuring Rejected Commenter Theater ... after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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In an effort to educate those of you who wish to become commenters, to entertain those of you who are already commenters and possibly to offend everyone in the process, I give you Rejected Commenter Theatre. Every day, tens upon tens of Deadspin readers audition to become commenters. My job as combudsman is to sift through these pending comments and separate the hilarious wheat from the tedious chaff. Today, I will present that chaff and attempt to reveal my reasons for rejecting it. Let's go!

From Unsilent Majority's recap of the huge Stanford upset over USC, pending commenter BrokenPlayScramble gives us this gem:

If losing at home when you're a 40 point favorite is cool, consider me senator Larry Craig.

I don't get the joke; it reads like a mixed metaphor to me. Unless BrokenPlayScramble is actually United States Senator Larry Craig, in which case I feel bad for snubbing such an esteemed congresscritter.

From the story of Jacksonville U's backup running back planting weed in the starting tailback's dorm room, pending commenter Anthony_C has this witty remark:

This kid really took the low road on this one. I dont understand why he would plant the weed on his rival and then confess to doing it. Doesnt that defeat the purpose. Maybe he can be a starter on the prison team. If you havent checked out REDACTED WEB ADDRESS give it a try. I'm loving it!

I'm still trying to figure out if Anthony_C is a real live human being or a spammy commenting robot that speaks in sentence fragments. Note: If you are a real human being and you want to suggest a website, make sure it's either relevant to the post or high quality free pornography.

From Will's quick Illinois celebration leftover, pending commenter TideDruid deigns to grace us with this outburst:

Aw heck, I can't resistÖ B-A-M-A, Bama all the way!

Next time, resist that urge. Feel free to root for whoever you want, wear your heart on your sleeve, and don't let me stop you from supporting your team of choice, but if you want to comment at Deadspin, give us something funny. Also, I prefer Auburn.

From the Chris Henry's stolen rental car post, pending commenter BengalsFan says:

OKA, NOW AS MUCH AS DIS MITE HURT BUT YU GUYS ARE LAME YU HAVE NO LIFE LEAVE CHRIS HENRY!!!! LIVE YO LIFE HOP OFF OKA!!!!!!!!!LOZERS ^_^

and then follows up with these words of wisdom:

YU ARE LAME HE IZNT A THEIF I DON LIKE YOUR DUMB COMMENTS

This happens from time to time. Weeks after a post appears on Deadspin, someone stumbles upon it and does their best impersonation of an AOL commenter. This was one of those moments. I have no advice for you, BengalsFan. I'm only posting your comment for laughs.

Finally, I'd like to spotlight someone who I rejected based solely on his or her commenter name of choice, SuckItIcarane. I ain't got no quarrel with people who want to take a jab at me, but can you at least spell my goddamned name right?

These folks not only know how to spell, they made the Comments of the Fortnight:


Re: Rockies fans tinkling in the bleachers
Decided Schematic Advantage: Piss Cam > Kiss Cam

Re: Brad Miller's shiny new cornrows
Camp Tiger Claw: It's the most efficient way to find the lice.

Re: Indians Vs. Yankees Playoff Pants Party
MitchKayak: In Cleveland, Joba would be considered a model.