AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
Many of you who've followed Fox' baseball coverage during the playoffs may have seen this People's "Sexiest Fan Alive" promotion infiltrating the between-innings chit-chat like a clumsy mule. Today, the the final votes will be tallied and some lucky, moderately attractive baseball-hat wearing "fan" will be crowned sexy king or queen in the upcoming "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. This marks a disturbing trend, not just for baseball, but for People magazine. At its best, People offers scintillating coverage of small-town miners trapped in caves and one-on-one interviews with Tracey Gold's skeleton. And, of course, its "Sexiest Man Alive" issue, the equivalent of the SI Swimsuit issue to women who spend too much time waiting in line at the supermarket. Now, since it added the ludicrous Sexiest Fan Alive category to broaden its demographic from fat mommy America and beauty salon owners to ... baseball fans. Everybody plays an inning in People magazine. Everybody's sexy. Even Joe Buck sounds like he's on the brink of stabbing somebody every time he's had to plug it: "Remember to vote for People's "Sexiest fan a—-yaaaaagghhhh KILL THE BABY." He always catches himself, though, because he's a pro, that jub-jub.
But People's attempt at ingratiating the common man persona to a mantle once reserved for you know, attractive celebrities is charming, but it also shows the magazine is becoming more and more inclusive with its choices. Sexy fans, sexy senior citizens, sexy single mothers, sexy dwarfs — soon, the magazine will be trotting out "Sexiest Burn Victim Alive" showing off a woman with cheekbones like melted candles and Scotch tape-lips seductively posing in a tube top. Yum.
So, congrats to these lucky individuals, who have to anxiously wait out the final few hours of voting to reveal their sexy fates. It is a monumental achievement. Once they're crowned "Sexiest Fan" they will be rewarded with exactly one more ounce of self-esteem for their victory and possibly become a tasty object of desire to Curves members all over across the country.
So, this week I'm putting on my Mark Harmon mask, finishing off a crossword puzzle in under 24 seconds and placing odds on the winner of People magazine's "Sexiest Fan Alive" contest.
Bring your daughter to the slaughter, after this MORE.
Chris Piela; 1/3
This Red Sox guy is in the lead. Surprised? Christ. If this city keeps winning things, they should become their own country and register for the Olympics next year. I get it Chris, you and your cleft-chin and your way-too-eager-wife nominating you for this position, but seriously fella, you win this and you'll be become a living character in a Tom Perrotta novel. Yes, you had a stable home life, a loving wife, great kids, and an unshakeable love of the Sox, but can you resist the allure of having an unlimited supply of Red Sox Vagina Nation chowda bush always at your disposal? Remove yourself from this competition immediately or your marriage is doomed.
Sarah Henneke: 2/1
Here's Sarah's pitch: "I should be PEOPLE's Sexiest Fan Alive because what makes me a sexy fan is being a woman showing 100% pride and commitment every day for my favorite ball club." Wrong. What makes you a sexy fan is taking off that fucking Greg Norman hat immediately. Oh, and a little black and white tit-paint couldn't hurt either.
Jeff Jackson, 3/1:
Hey, Jeff's a Yankees fan. And he played shortstop for his company in Yankee stadium. Scratch that — he played "sexy" shortstop for his company at Yankee stadium. Honestly, Jeff, just throw yourself in front of a bus and end your delusions that your life will ever amount to anything. Calling yourself a "sexy" shortstop, submitting a picture of yourself holding a bat, just lets most of the people who know you off the hook who felt bad about hating your guts and fantasizing about drowning you in a tub of your own pussy juice.
Chris Noonan: 25/1
Here's Chris, who's obviously taken a calculated approach to winning this thing. Lovable Loser Cubbies quotes? Check. Mother reference? Check. Goopy hair and Crest White Strips applied before manufacturing a candid photo of you sitting on the couch in full Cubs gear? Check. Showing off your shiny index finger that you just had jammed up your own ass? Check.
Brian Domingo: 10/1
Brian sells himself as more of the cerebral type; he doesn't think sexy is about teeth and muscles, but humor too. He wants to sell his "personality" in this photo with his oh-sad-clown face and box of Cracker Jacks. What's killing Domingo more than his awkward disposition and the fact that he's a Mets fan is his startling resemblance to Fred Armisen. Aye dios mio!
Grant Tonelli: 9/1
Aw, an A's fan. And look at you, Grant, all shaggy and toothy. Tonelli claims in his profile that he'll "stay the same" should he win SFA, but that's highly doubtful. I'm saying he'll parlay his win into a modeling career, most likely starting with a cover shoot for this fine publication. Just a hunch.
Candi Locklin: EVEN
Here's her pitch: "I fully support the Astros' Killer B's and believe I look good supporting them as well. I made quite the entrance at Minute Maid Park in my bumblebee costume." I bet you did, Candi. In fact, I'm sure there are still Kevin Bass' pollen stains all over it. Candi isn't even a real baseball fan, but she became one in the early 90s after she got wheelbarrowed in the bathroom at Cooter's by most of the team.
Sydni Craig: OFF
Evaristo Guerra: 3/1
Evaristo, another guy whose wife nominated him, answered the question, "If you could start a new MLB team, what would the mascot be?" like this: "Wolves, because they travel as a pack." Of course. "Los Lobos." I feel you, hombre, but aren't there dishes to be washed or lawns to be cut? You've got no time to be sexy!