Bill Belichick Is A Surly Dick

Michael Showalter is one of the minds behind The State and Stella and the writer and star of the films Wet Hot American Summer and The Baxter. We're a fan. He also, apparently, is a sports fan. To promote his new album Sandwiches And Cats, he's doing a pseudo tour of the various lousy blogs like ours, and we're fortunate enough to have him pop by here. Enjoy.

Bill Belichick has turned being "a surly dick" into an art-form. I remember years ago when he bailed on Parcells to go coach the Patriots, and it was a big deal here. The NY papers were calling him a "surly dick" then, but I wasn't paying attention because he hadn't turned the Pats into the Death Star yet.

Pre-Belichick, the Pats, to me, were that team that Steve Grogan played for. Steve Grogan could scramble. That's all there was to say about New England pre-Belichick. "Yeah, Grogan can scramble." Now they've won a bunch of Super Bowls and are threatening to go undefeated for only the second time in league history, and Belichick is a legend.

He's a legend for a variety of reasons:

1) He's a surly dick. I think I said that already.

2) He's turned New England into the Death Star. I said that too.

3) He wears a Flashdance sweatshirt.

4) He cheated and acted like a dick about it.

5) He blew off Tony Dungy.

6) He blew off Eric Mangini for doing the same thing to him that he did to Parcells, only he did it worse.

Now in fairness to Belichick, I'd probably blow off Mangini too. Mangini's that kid in high school who made friends by giving them Jolly Ranchers. But Tony Dungy?! Only the surliest dick in the world would blow off Tony Dungy. Tony Dungy is a God-fearing Christian. Maybe Belichick is the Devil and is afraid that Dungy's "good" will triumph over his "evil" if they talk for too long after the game.

I had to rewind the post-game handshake ten times to see, if in fact, Belichick really did blow Dungy off as badly as it looked. And he did! Dungy was ready to talk x's and o's with him for a bit, but Belichick was having none of it. How do you a beat a God-fearing man in his own house and then not talk to him afterwards?

There's an answer to that question. It's because Mangini caught Belichick cheating, and now Belichick has decided that the world is his enemy. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Eric Mangini caught you cheating, and now you won't talk to Tony Dungy after beating him on his home field even though he wants to talk x's and o's for a bit. You'll just blow him off on national television like he's some cub reporter for a public access TV channel.

If I was Dungy I'd have taken a swing at him and been like, "You surly dick! You think just because you rock a Flashdance sweatshirt means you don't pay me the courtesy of a quick post-game rap session, especially considering your team actually won the game!?" If I was Dungy I'd have kicked him in the balls and been like, "I'm sorry. I accidentally kicked you in the nuts when you not accidentally blew me

off on national television." The problem is that it wouldn't hurt Belichick if you kicked him in the balls because he's not an actual person. He's a force-of-nature, like Pale Rider or The Dog Whisperer.

Forces of nature don't have testicles.

(P.S., I have a new comedy record out today called, "Sandwiches & Cats." You can get it anywhere that sells records.