This Is Pretty Much Why God Invented Sports Bars, We Reckon

We don't know what hell like, or who exactly is there (aside from all the sports agents). But here's a pretty good guess: There's nonstop karaoke, the only beverage is Tabasco sauce and at the top of the hour everyone gets hit in the face with a custard pie. That sounds about right. But at a sports bar in Tea, S.D., all of this is just considered a typical evening of fun.

Levi Johnson drank 5.5 ounces of Tabasco sauce in 30 seconds at the Sports Page bar and grill tonight in Tea in an attempt to break a record in the Guinness Book of World Records. Johnson, an employee of the Sports Page, bested the current record of 5.07 ounces by drinking nearly three bottles of the chili sauce. Johnson was one of three competitors tonight.

I've always wanted to be able to light a candle just by blowing on it.

Thousands of years from now, when an advanced alien race arrives here to pick over the ruins of earth's once-proud civilization, I hope they judge us on the works of Aristotle, Shakespeare or Descarte. Knowing our luck, however, the first paragraph they'll read will probably be this:

The bar will attempt to break the world record for most custard pies thrown in one minute at 7 p.m. Thursday. That record is currently held by talk show host Kelly Ripa.

Tea Man Breaks Hot Sauce Record [Argus Leader]