Since there's way too much going on in the NFL for me to get caught up in wordy prose I'm going to switch it up to a bullet point format. It's creative, it's original, and nobody's ever done it before!
• Why can't our country produce fifteen people capable of providing the play-by-play for football games? If the networks had to dig up Pat Summerall to call a game this weekend then there must be a serious lack of talent in the younger generations. I blame XBox, Mountain Dew, and Unitarians. It's just another reason we must urge the government to fast-track genetic engineering.

• I never get to watch a whole lot of the Red Zone Channel but since the Redskins played on Thursday I'm treating myself to a full eight hours. It is the single greatest decision I've ever made. This is the longest I've ever gone without caring where the remote is sitting. As long as it's snuggling up my ass I couldn't care less. Following one game at a time is un-American, and you know what's pro-American? Letting somebody decide what you should watch. ¡Viva America!

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• Detroit blew it rather remarkably against the Cowboys. This came as a surprise to exactly .1% of the viewing audience.

• The Steelers just became the first team all year to score on their opening drive against the Patriots. Nobody say anything, you might jinx it!

• Touchdown Moss. Which one of you motherfuckers opened your fat mouth?

• Why can't our country produce fifteen people capable of providing the play-by-play for football games? If the networks had to dig up Pat Summerall to call a game this weekend then there must be a serious lack of talent in the younger generations. I blame XBox, Mountain Dew, and Unitarians. It's just another reason we must urge the government to fast-track genetic engineering.

• LaDainian scores a walk-off touchdown and my parlay is alive!

• Jacksonville, Green Bay, and Buffalo beat the shit out of Carolina, Oakland, and Miami. Sometimes I think this league makes perfect sense, then I think about Brian Billick.

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• The Giants squeezed out a narrow win over the Eagles. In between burning effigies of Donovan McNabb and putting dozens of contracts out on David Akers the Philly faithful made Eli uncomfortable by demanding to see his tits. Eventually he complied, they always do.

• Denver is sticking it to Kansas City; I think the "googly moogly" guy is playing running back for the Chiefs.

• That Brad Childress must be some sort of offensive genius after all! You just know Baltimore's going to do whatever it takes to pry him away from the Vikings.

• Horse Balls just remembered he plays for Cleveland.