Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
Hit the lights, motherfuckers! As we near the playoffs, it's time to dial up the intensity. That's why I'm busting out this special Metallica-themed Jamboroo this week, complete with Dan V's kickass new NFL logo. Dan, you make Picasso look like that elephant that paints refrigerator art. Metallica Week also means-AH! I'm putting on-AH! My best-AH! Fuckin-AH! James. HETFIELD VOOOOOOICE-AH!!!!!
It's an excellent slate of games this week. Let's not waste any time. SO COME ON! JUMP IN THE FI-AH!!!!!
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Jets at Patriots: There is a freaky, 400-lb. guy at my gym (besides me) who spends way more time than is normal walking around nude in the men's locker room. And his toenails are black and rotten. I think he might be homeless. It's terrifying and horrible. I do everything I can to not to look at his disgusting feet, and yet sometimes I peek anyway. And then I recoil in disgust and think to myself, "FUCKHEAD! Why did you do that?!" And then I go and have nightmares about those toes. Ugh.
This game is kind of like that. It promises to be a thorough emasculation of Eric Mangini and everything he stands for, care of Bill "Phantom Lord" Belichick. In theory, I don't "want" to watch it. And yet, I am inexorably tempted to sneak a peek. Just to gross myself out. Hey Mangini, take a look to the sky just before you die. It's the last time you will.
Jaguars at Steelers
Eagles at Cowboys
Bills at Browns
Redskins at Giants: This game was kept on Sunday Night despite NBC's ability to exercise flex scheduling. NBC then moved the Skins-Vikings Week 16 game to Sunday Night. In other words, for two weeks in a row at the end of the year, NBC deliberately chose to showcase the Redskins. Watching the Redskins try and score a touchdown is like watching Kige Ramsey try and take off his 12-year-old niece's training bra. C'mon, Dick Ebersol. Stop jerking off to old episodes of "Kate & Allie" and take a little more care with your schedule.
Bears at Vikings: I've been somewhat restrained in the Simmons-bashing this season, but this fucking passage on Purple Jesus will not stand.
Regardless, the contest for "Coolest Newcomer of the Year" is down to two candidates:
• Great Adrian Peterson
• Isaac from "Real World Sydney"
Jesus fucking Christ. Are you shitting me, asshole? What kind of lameass nickname is that? Hey, I've got a nickname for Tom Brady! Awesome Tom! Isn't that awesome? And isn't he totally like Sheriff Sophia from "Kid Nation"? Huh?
Cardinals at Saints
Lions at Chargers: Reader pemulis emailed earlier this week to warn me and the KSK gang about a video called "Kids in the sandbox." He describes it thusly:
"So it starts out innocently enough, a kind of ugly naked woman rubbing a dildo on this dude's dong head, and you kind of can't tell what's going on, then it zooms into all close so you can see it's clearly a boner and a dildo in her hands, and then BAM!!!!!! She rams the dildo down the guy's peehole. And there is dude screaming, there is a fucking seriously disturbingly intense look on the woman's face (NOTE FROM DREW: I assume it resembles the look that will be on Belichick's face on Sunday), and the fucking thing is on a loop, so when you bring your head back to see what else could possibly happen, its just the same thing over and over again. If you guys can hear that, it's the sound of my dick still screaming."
And that about sums up your Detroit Lions season. One big dildo in the dickhole.
Packers at Rams: Ryan Grant is now a top 5 fantasy back. This whole "Always draft a running back in the first round" theory is getting dumber by the second.
Colts at Raiders
Broncos at Texans
Titans at Chiefs
Falcons at Bucs
Seahawks at Panthers
Ravens at Dolphins: Of all the franchises to go 0-16, you would have expected it to be the Lions, or Cardinals, or Bengals, or Jets, or some other franchise with a rich history of eating shit. Remember, the Dolphins have only had five losing seasons since 1970, including a stretch from 1989 to 2004 where they NEVER finished under .500. Yet here they are, about to become the worst team in the history of the NFL. It makes you want to trap Cam Cameron under ice.
Peter King wrote this week that Cameron should be NOT be fired. And I understand that stance. Cameron inherited a total fucking mess, and most coaches should be given a couple years to turn things around. But this is a special circumstance. Cameron will be stained permanently by this. His credibility is fucking gone. If he tries getting in a player's face ever again, all the player has to say is, "Why the fuck should I listen to you? You're the asshole that went 0-16." There's no retort to that. He's screwed.
Bengals at Niners: The Thing That Should Not Be.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Disposable Heroes", by Metallica. Now Metallica, as you know, no longer exists. Oh sure, there's a band by the name of Metallica that tours across the country and releases the occasional shitty album. But that's not really Metallica, much in the same way a chicken nugget isn't really chicken.
No, the Metallica I know featured Cliff Burton and released four of the balls-stompingest albums ever made (NOTE: Burton died before "...And Justice For All" was recorded, but contributed songwriting duties, particularly on "To Live Is To Die." When you're 12 years old, that song is just about the deepest shit you could possibly listen to.
When a man lies
He murders some part of the world
These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives
All this I cannot bear to witness any longer
Cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home?
FUCK. WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN, MAN?!)
Anyway, of those first four Metallica albums, my favorite was "Master of Puppets."I'll be honest. I could pick any song from that album for this slot. "Battery" has that trademark Metallica "Gentle acoustic bit before the guitars kick in and blast a rocket up your ass" introduction. The title track is epic and features demonic laughter. And I love me some demonic laughter. HA HA HA HA HA HA. Call a stranger sometime and do that. It's more fun than the law allows. Literally.
"Orion" is the signature really long kickass instrumental track. And everything else, from "Sanitarium" to "Leper Messiah" is legendary shit. But I'll stick with "Disposable Heroes," a brutal anti-war song that, oddly enough, makes me want to go fight in a war. If you're someone interested in setting off a military insurrection, I suggest simply disseminating copies of this song to the men on the front lines. You can't listen to the words "BACK TO THE FRONT!" without wanting to find a Halliburton VP and beat him to death with a shot put. Two other notes on Metallica while we're here:
• By the late 80's, I had amassed a collection of Metallica t-shirts so large, I automatically qualified for food stamps. I bought them at a record store that also sold obscure Metallica singles. Peep this cover art and tell me Shawne Merriman won't look like that in two years. I even had the same t-shirt Lars wore in the "One" video, back when Lars was cool and not some fuckface art collector. All of them were designs from Pushead. Nobody can draw a skull like Pushead. Anyway, I left the shirts at my parents' house after heading to college. There they stayed for a solid decade or so. Until about three years ago, when my mom, doing some spring cleaning, called me to ask if she could throw them out. Like an idiot, I consented. They were old shirts. I never wore them anymore. What did I care?
Not but a month later I saw Mary-Kate Olsen rocking a vintage Pushead "Harvester of Sorrow" design. Those old shirts could probably now sell for $100 each at your local secondhand clothing store (if you don't mind my old dandruff. Side effect of banging one's head). And I just let them go in the trash. It's so depressing, I have to go listen to "Blackened" now. Everything I see has been thrown into obscurity. NEVER-AH!
• After Burton died, Metallica released a tour video called "Cliff 'Em All" as a tribute to their fallen friend. The opening of the video featured the band getting high, walking into a convenience store, grabbing some beer and then walking out without paying. Badass. Now Kirk Hammett spends his days riding ponies around Napa to "clear his mind." Jesus fucking Christ.
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Until It Sleeps," by Metallica. Ugh. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I sort of liked the Black Album. Sorta. So when they announced "Load" was coming out, I got a big fat rawk-on and picked up this single before the full album was released. The song sucked enough, but then this video hit. Ulrich is wearing a blue feather boa. Hetfield is trapped by antlers. There's some sort of giant bird eating little red people. It's a fucking disaster. I can't even talk about it, it's all so painfully bad. Fuck you, Samuel Bayer. Stick to directing videos with little girls dancing around in the bee outfits, you fuck.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Reggie Bush. Fuck you, Reggie Bush. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I call you Reggie Bush? I meant to call you by your real name: Amp fucking Lee. Bush, you are nothing more than a C-grade scatback. Know why they're called scatbacks? Because scat is another word for shit. In other words, you are a shitback. I'd rather have Chuck fucking Levy on my team. Some job saving New Orleans you did, Buster. There are still areas of the city that haven't been rebuilt, AND I BLAME YOUR WEAK YPC AVERAGE!
It seems Kim Kardashian has taught you a thing or two about being famous without having accomplished anything. Hey Reggie, I've got a killer subprime mortgage rate I can offer your parents. PSYCH!
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Kolby Smith (ankle)
• Ray Lewis (adrenaline starting to flow)
• Roy Williams (thrashing all around)
• Chris Henry (acting like a maniac)
• Lorenzo Neal (WHIPLASH!)
This Week's Suicide Pick
Last week's suicide pool pick of Jacksonville was correct. Off the board now are Jacksonville, Tennnessee, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 10-4). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick: Baltimore, and blowing your head off with a sawed-off shotgun while listening to "Fade To Black".
According to Wikipedia, "Fade to Black" was written by Hetfield after some of his equipment was stolen during a gig in Boston. The song is anecdotally credited with helping many teenagers cope with depression and thoughts of suicide. I wonder how many of those kids "saved" by the song would feel if they knew the inspiration behind the song was the fact that the lead singer lost his fucking amp. I lost my watch once. I bought another one. I didn't write a seven-minute suicide anthem about it. But that's muso types for you. They love their distortion pedals. Death keeps me warm. Now I will just say goodbyyyyyyyyye...
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Cheetos. Cheetos have long been stigmatized as the preferred food of white trash. But, I ask you, can ANYONE resist a Cheeto? Regardless of social strata? They're delicious. I particularly enjoy exploring the Cheeto bag to seek out the fattest Cheeto I can find. Bonus points if it's good and gnarled, like an old tree trunk. One bite and I am in Crunchtown, USA. I prefer extruded food whenever possible. I also like to bust out my redneck overalls when I eat my Cheetos. Behold!
I found this picture while doing a Google Image search for "Cindy Margolis". Go figure.
If you want to enjoy a Cheeto without looking like a complete pig, I suggest pouring them into a bowl. Eating Cheetos out of the bag is what will get you in trouble. But put them in a wooden bowl? SHEER FUCKING ELEGANCE. You and your rich friends now have yourselves a guilty little treat. Bully to you!
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Haffenreffer Private Stock. "Why don't you have a seat, baby? I'm gonna bust out a very special bottle for us to share. Have a look. Oh, no no no! You see, this is Mr. Haffenreffer's Private Stock. This stuff isn't available to the general public. You have to, uh, pre-order it. They only make 156,000 barrels a year. Care for a glass?
"Is it always this bitter? Generally, yes. It's for a more refined palate. It was originally meant for cows. Have another sip. Just relax your throat and let it slide right down. What do you mean, you feel groggy? You should probably have more. It'll pep you up. Are you awake, baby? Only one of your eyes is open, and it's kind of shooting around all over the place. Perhaps we should make love now. Does that sound good? Well, you didn't say yes, but you didn't say no either!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
Your Friends & Neighbors, featuring music by Apocalyptica, a cello quartet from Finland that mainly covers Metallica songs. But they also do forbidding versions of Christmas songs, too! Listen here. If thought "The Little Drummer Boy" was depressing as shit already, you ain't seen nothing yet.
As for the movie itself, you will not find a more thorough study of horribly selfish and nihilistic people. I saw this thing 10 years ago and still can't decide if I liked it or not. The best(?) scene is the one featured above, where Jason Patric confesses to his friends that the best sex he ever had was when he participated in the gang rape of a kid named Timmy Carter back in high school gym class. He makes this confession while sitting in the steam room. I avoided steam rooms permanently after seeing this scene. That steam gets pretty dense. Who the fuck knows what's going on in there. It's not worth the joys of sitting in excessive humidity.
God, that scene still freaks me out. I'm certain it was written by a wwtdd.com commenter and not by Neil LaBute.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"You see, epidermis means your hair. So technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me for a moment... Ha HA!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Fitness model Tina Rigdon. Pfft. That sling bikini isn't practical!
• For the gals: The past few weeks, some of the image links for the female portion of the HMK haven't worked. The links themselves were correct, but when put into HTML code, redirected to some other shit. There's only one way to make it up to you ladies, and that is to play THE MCCONAUGHEY CARD! No woman can resist a man this laconic!
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR... from Pro Football Talk that "Michigan's interest in (Cam) Cameron is tied to whether he is fired by the Dolphins. So if he's not fired, Michigan apparently won't make a play for him. If Cameron is fired, then it's a different story." So, if Mr. 0-16 is fired, then he's undesirable. But if the Dolphins are dumb enough to keep him, he's one hot fucking job candidate! Michigan, apparently, just loves the chase.
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
"The horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They have come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four horsemen ride
Or choose your fate and die."
-From a song that was NOT inspired by Notre Dame football. FUCK Notre Dame.
Enjoy the games, everyone.