AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday ... well, that next four Fridays, anyway. Yes, after more than a year of goodness, Mr. Daulerio is retiring the Cultural Oddsmaker column at the beginning of 2008. There are now FOUR left. Email him to let him know how much you'll miss him.
Greetings. It's week two of the great Cultural Oddsmaker countdown, and this will once again not attempt in any way shape or form hold up a mirror to professional sports culture. This is simply a venue for me to expose my id in three-dimensional high-def for all the world to see. And, of course, showcase my favorite emails. This week's selection comes courtesy of the CO spelling bee column, which resulted in a couple spirited missives like this:
Richa Gupta firstname.lastname@example.org wrote:
You're a jackass who's just jealous that these kids are about 1000 times as smart as you are. Your descriptions are unwarranted and your attempt at mockery is just sick. Find another outlet to express your excessive loathing for thirteen year old kids, and get a fucking life.
Guptas. So sensitive.
Anyway, this week's Oddsmaker will focus on Playboy magazine's "Playmate of the Year" coronation. If you haven't heard, the magazine is currently in the middle of its selection process to crown this year's Bunny queen. This is somewhat sports-related because, as we all know, professional athletes have a tendency to end up in relationships with these bouncy bundles of dim-witted fun. In addition to the odds on their POY-dom, I'll also include which athlete their destined to end up with, and, for added color and depth, the odds on their favorite sexual position.
So, this week, I'm injecting my urethra with Deca-Durabolin, learning how to skin a rabbit (It is what it is — bunny-lovers beware), and calculating odds on the 2007 Playmate of the Year.
Pictures of almost naked young ladies, after this brief commercial break:
Heather Rene Smith, Miss February: 2/1
She's 20-years-old, California-cooked, and enjoys "going to see live bands" and "working on old cars." Oh, and "wake boarding," which I believe is what the CIA insists was very instrumental in winning the war on terror. When she says "working on old cars," we'll assume that means "leaning over a balance beam and almost doing a split without her tits falling out." Now, that's talent! She's into tattoos and guys who know how to play a musical instrument. Wizard-sleeved bassoonists, your princess has arrived.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Wayman Tisdale, Bronson Arroyo
Favorite sexual position: The Alfonseca: Heather can only orgasm when a man enters six digits or more inside her and tickles her her g-spot.
Brittany Binger, Miss June: 3/1
She's not blond, so she'll have a tough time generating support from the old fella, plus she's 5'7, 109lbs, which means she's about one missed meal away from being just a giant head and a pointy clavicle. Brittany's favorite singer is Snoop Dogg and her hobbies include "going to the beach." She's turned off by cockiness and womanizers, but she gets revved-up by men who are "mysterious." So, wear a Zorro mask, boys.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Manny Ramirez, Gilbert Arenas
Favorite sexual position: The Bo Diaz: Brittany climaxes the hardest when she's being banged on a Venezuelan rooftop with a satellite dish laying on top of her.
Shannon James, Miss May: 1/4
Shannon's a Council Rock graduate (We are! CR!) and still lives just outside the Philly area prepping for a life of either modeling, writing poetry or being a pharmaceutical sales rep. (What else is there really?) She's prime-time POY material thanks to her blonder than blondestness and willingness to admit she's "comfortable with her sexuality" and that she and her friends like to "walk around naked." Hooray. Plus! Her favorite team is the Philadelphia Phillies.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Jayson Werth, Mike Zagurski, The Sarge
Favorite sexual position: The Schmitter: Shannon likes to have anal sex using a "secret sauce" lubricant with a man who has a piece of fried salami wrapped around his dick.
Spencer Scott: 1/1
This Georgia gal is only 18 years old and says she's looking for a man who'll be "spontaneous" with her — no beach or fancy dinners, something, like, you know, like, a "theme park." Well, the gal likes roller coasters and also won't tolerate a guy who can't "make her laugh." So, no Mr. Fuddy-Duddys for her, no way. There's a reason God gave her so much brain power. Unfortunately, most of it is in her left breast.
Athletes she may possibly bang: Chipper Jones, Jeff Francoeur, The Georgia Bulldogs football team, an actual Georgia bulldog
Favorite sexual position: The Coolbaugh: Like she said, Spencer's a fan of spontaneity and loves it when a guy will sneak up behind her, take out one ball, whack her in the side of the head with it, and then do her while she's sprawled out in the grass in front of a stadium full of people.