For the rest of 2007, the NHL Closer will be written by the fine folks at Melt Your Face Off. Enjoy. Today's hockey recap is written by the paranoid Fennoman cockatiel Regiinna Biirrddiinnaa.

SQUAWK! I hates Swedes. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THEM!!!!! Giant pieces of perkele! Their prevalence on Deadspin make me think Oscar II translating Johann Gottfried Herder's work into English!

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I must warn you of dangerous Swedes, here is account of Skitpackare last night, along with Finns who played more important role in the outcomes:

Kristian Huselius: This douche with kikelli scored 5 points last night in Calgary Flames' 5-3 win over the Blues in St. Louis. Jarome Iginla scored twice, but it was the great Miikka Kiprusoff who kept those dangerous Blues off the scoreboard in the third period. He's more solid than my stool after eating 20 kilos of janssons frestelse.

Frederik Sjostrom: If not for Finnish descendant Marc Staal, flänsost Sjostrom does not score a goal in Coyotes' 5-1 Demolition of Rangers. True, Sjostrom does not account for a goal because of Staal, but if not for the Damned child's miscue, Sjostrom does not score later on. Go Butterfly Effect!

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Johnny Oduya: He didn't play because he sucks! What kind of Swede is named Johnny? It's like having a Finn named Niklas Backstrom! Antero Nittymaki stopped 34 shots but the Devils still won 4-2 over the Flyers because of John Madden's goals, one on the power play and one shorthanded.