For the rest of 2007, the NHL Closer will be written by the fine folks at Melt Your Face Off. Enjoy.

All right, cock knockers. School is in session, with Professor Sean Avery getting serviced. Reasonable Doubt is going to go play nice nice on Court TV this morning so I'm stepping in with my lawyer impression and taking over the Closer for the day. You're out of order. I rest my case. Law, Law, Law. Strap yourselves on, dicks.

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Abracadabra, Fagnut. Memo to Tomas Holmstrom: Get your goddamn skate away from the puck. He kicked one puck in for a goal, had one deflected off him for an opposing goal, and stepped on the puck right before shooting it in to put the Wings up 3-2. Alex Semen (Yeah. I said it.) tied it up with a minute and a half left to send it to OT. Lucky for Holmstrom, the Wings pulled it out in the shootout. Assholes.

Joe Sakic blows goats. I have proof. The Frenchie Nordiques scored three early on, but like so many other Frenchman, almost blew their wad at the last minute. It took a real man, an American man, Ben Guite, to lock up the game with the empty-netter. Wait, what? He's from where? Fuck him, then.

For you funny guys. Since there were only two games last night, I'm going to pre-empt you pole smokers with my third bullet point. All together now: Hoc-Key? Beat you to it, knob gobblers.