Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
There is a phenomenon unique to being an NFL fan that can really, really, really fuck up your holidays. I call it the Nanking Special, wherein all your fantasy teams lose, AND your favorite team loses, all in a single weekend. Now, is it fair to compare a lousy day of football to the systematic bayonet gang rape of Chinese schoolgirls during a particularly brutal Japanese occupation during World War II? I say yes. I mean, we're talking about one incredibly shitty weekend here. I don't think it's an inappropriate analogy at all.
One of the nice things about playing fantasy football is that, if your favorite team loses, you at least get a chance to salvage the week if your fantasy team wins. But when ALL of those teams shit the bed over the course of a single Sunday, it is a most unpleasant feeling indeed. The anal crowbar I got weekend was compounded by the fact that both my fantasy team and my real team not only lost, but did so in the most important games of the year. And not only did they lose, they got fucking killed. And not only THAT, but I had to sit through the Redskins' beatdown of the Vikings while my parents watched with me, and peppered me with outrageously irritating questions, such as:
-"Say, who's that Number 94? He's a big fella! How much do you think he weighs?"
-"Do YOU weigh that much?"
-"Are the Redskins the ones in red?"
-"Is that the coach of the Vikings? He looks like a real dweeb. What kind of coach is he supposed to be?"
-"So, if they win, they make the playoffs? What happens then?"
-"Don't you think some of these guys are gay?"
-"Have you seen Sweeney Todd yet? Johnny Depp is amazing!"
-"Do the Vikings always play like this? They don't look very good."
-"Has anyone ever come back from that much?"
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! FETCH THE CYANIDE!
So yeah, not a good day. I also lost to my Dad in Scrabble by one point. That fucking letter V. WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE A TWO LETTER WORD, YOU PIECE OF SHIT TILE?!
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Titans at Colts: Both the Redskins and Titans can clinch playoff spots this week by beating good teams with "nothing" to play for; playoff teams that will probably be resting their starters during the second half, if not earlier. I'm no expert at picking games, but I will tell you this: Either the Skins or the Titans will find a way to fuck it up. Don't underestimate Jim Sorgi's burning desire to impress his parents the one time a year he actually gets on the field.
Patriots at Giants: This game will be simulcast on both NBC and CBS on Saturday night. So even the NFL now acknowledges that the NFL Network sucks.
Cowboys at Redskins
Niners at Browns
Vikings at Broncos
Bills at Eagles: Most fantasy leagues are over now. If your fantasy league is still playing this week, go up to your commissioner and punch him in the nuts for being a fucking idiot. None of the games listed below have any playoff implications, outside of the 3-4 seeds in the AFC playoffs. Fuck 'em.
Seahawks at Falcons
Lions at Packers
Jaguars at Texans
Panthers at Bucs
Bengals at Dolphins
Chiefs at Jets
Steelers at Ravens
Rams at Cardinals
Chargers at Raiders
Saints at Bears
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
This is the week that most critics release their Top 10 lists for the year. This is also the week that most critics bitch about having to compile said list. "Wah wah! My editor made me do it! Wah wah! It's not fair to rank art! Wah wah! I can't possibly pick just 10! Wah wah! I have to listen to free music all day long and get paid for it! Wah wah! I have a gaping maw between my legs!"
Hey Mr. Critic Man, shut the fuck up and hand the list over. You know damn well you enjoy being an arbiter of taste and a factor in award consideration, so shut the fuck up. Top 10 lists are useful because they help readers find out if they've missed anything interesting over the course of the year, or if there's a good recommendation for what's out now. Get off your high horse and rank that shit. Here were my 10 favorite songs from this year:
1. "I'm Designer," Queens of the Stone Age
2. "Reckoner," Radiohead
3. "Misfit Love, "QOTSA
4. "Killing the Light," Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
5. "Teddy Picker," Arctic Monkeys
6. "The Prayer," Bloc Party
7. "Era Vulgaris," QOTSA
8. "Come Alive," Foo Fighters
9. "Intervention," Arcade Fire
10. "The Silence Between Us," Bob Mould
Got ten you like? Post them in the comments. Then we can all experience the deep satisfaction of foisting our tastes upon others.
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Scared," by Dangerous Toys. "Scared" is Peter King's favorite song. Witness this lyric:
"Hey man now, I think I like being scared,
And I wish you all were there,
Man I really really think, really think that I think,
I like being scared."
The inspiration is unmistakable. I also assume King jerks off to pictures of Brett Favre while listening to "Teas'n, Pleas'n"
Fantasy Players That Deserve To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, Steven Jackson, Chad Johnson, Greg Jennings, Jeremy Shockey, Kolby Smith, LenDale White, Nate Kaeding, and the San Diego defense. Thanks for nothing, you assholes. Especially you, Shockey. I had to start Anthony fucking Becht in the championship game. I didn't even know he was still in football. FUCK.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Tony Romo (my PR-24)
• Jeremy Shockey (the man I hired to kill you)
• Chad Johnson (my CRV going 60 mph)
• Terrell Owens (my nina, then you know I'm straight trippin')
• Greg Jennings (the razor wire trap I set up outside your door)
This Week's Suicide Pick
Last week's suicide pool pick of Minnesota was incorrect. Fuck. Off the board now are Minnesota, Baltimore, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 10-6). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick: Tampa Bay, and choking on vomit that is not your own in a mystery that is best left unsolved.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Leftover Christmas Cookies. You are looking at meringue mushrooms, and meringue mushrooms fucking rule. My mom didn't make them this year. God dammit mom, step up to the plate.
I'll eat any cookie, but some Christmas cookies are better than others. Those boringass sugar cookies you decorate? Those suck. I'll take a gingerbread man or one of those nougatey things with the powdered sugar over that any day.
Gametime SCOTCH Of The Week
The Dimple Pinch. I got this as a gift this year. Best name for a Scotch ever? Fuck and yes.
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Ravens Fans
Monty Python Live At The Hollywood Bowl. There are three main Python films, but there's also a sketch movie (And Now For Something Completely Different...), and this live film. I highly recommend it. It's got Sit On My Face, the parrot sketch, the Whizzo Chocolates sketch, the argument sketch, Silly Walks, the albatross salesman, and more. Plus, the entire audience is on cocaine. Can't beat that.
Looking for a good top 10 movie list from someone who goes to the movies more than once a year, unlike some big fat dipshit who's too cheap to spring for a babysitter? Check out Christmas Ape's choices. My favorite movies this year were "No Country For Old Men" and "Superbad." But those were just about the ONLY movies I saw all year. At least I chose wisely.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Tyra Banks in what appears to be a sweatkini. I'm not sure this is a great look on Tyra, but it may be just what you're looking for. I know porn is broken down into fetish groups, but those fetish groups get awfully stale for me. You've got your latex fetishes, your stocking fetishes, your foot fetishes, etc. BORING. I think it needs to be far more specialized. I need a extreme denim cutoff subcategory. Or a knit bikini category. Or a tight sweater tank top category. That would be TREMENDOUS. Right now, there's no easy way to search for a video of chick doing rails off a guy's cock, and that's a shame.
• For the gals: Friday Night Lights star Taylor Kitsch. If you're into rock hard man-nips, bulgy veins, and windswept bangs, Taylor is your boy.
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR... that Bill Parcells will replace Cam Cameron with Romeo Crennel. But, if Crennel is not available, Parcells will then replace Cameron with some other kind of very fat puppet. Possibly Grimace.
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
Enjoy the games, everyone. And a Happy New Year to all of you. New Year's Eve is always the most overrated holiday of the year. Oooh, look! We get to pay $100 to stay at ONE bar all night! And we get to drink all we want, except for any non-well liquor or imported beer! And the line at the bar goes six deep, and there's only one bartender! And I lost my wristband! What fun! Fuck that. I strongly recommend hitting a house party. You can come over to my place, if you enjoy going to sleep at 9:30.