Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
The Divisional Playoff weekend is always the most exciting round of the playoffs. And this year, the four divisional games are uncommonly good. I can hardly wait. In fact, sitting here with my thumb up my butt just waiting for them to be played is excruciating. I need something to occupy my time between now and kickoff on Saturday afternoon. And nothing makes time fly by quite like Family Game Night™ (Family Game Night™ is an exclusive trademark of the Hasbro corporation. If you and an undetermined number of kin play a board game at night without the expressed written consent of the Hasbro corporation, the Hasbro corporation reserves the right to come to your house and hang your dog.)
So let's all bust out a game to play while we wait. Monopoly? Too competitive. Scrabble? Too challenging. Charades? Too queer. No, I think this occasion calls for Cranium. Cranium: the board game for people who can't decide what board game to play!
Now pick a color. Red? Fuck you. I'm red. I'm always red. Onto the challenges. Answers also provided below.
To win this factoid, your team must agree on the correct answer to the question below. I will read the question and start the timer after I pass the card to you.
QUESTION: When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?
ANSWER: No. IT'S A FUCKING CAR.
To win this Selectaquest, your team must agree on the correct answer to the multiple choice question below. I'll read the question and choices, then start the timer after I pass the card to you.
QUESTION: If Joe Buck were to flirt with you in a bar, you would:
A) Feel creeped out by his smile
B) Feel unnerved by his smile
C) Feel discomforted by his smile
D) Confide your skeeved out feeling to Aikman, because women always confide in queers
E) All of the above
ANSWER: I think you know full well what the answer is.
To win this polygraph, your team must agree if the statement below is true or false. I'll read the statement and start the timer after I pass the card to you
STATEMENT: Boy, Vince Young may have seriously injured himself on that play.
To win this Sculptorades your team must choose one person who can get you to guess the answer on back by sculpting the subject in Cranium Clay with no talking or gestures. I'll read the hint aloud and start the timer after I pass the card to the artist
HINT: The main hobby of a 14-year old female Jacksonville fan
To win this Sensosketch, your team must choose one person who can get you to guess the answer on back by drawing clues on paper with no peaking, talking, letters or symbols. The artist's eyes must stay closed. I'll start the timer after I pass the card to the artist.
HINT: Where Laurence Maroney tries to put the triangle peg.
To win this Cloodle, your team must choose one person who get you to guess the answer on back by drawing clues on paper with no talking, letters or symbols. I'll read the hint aloud and start the timer after I pass the card to the artist.
HINT: What Philip Rivers specifically asks for during intercourse.
To win this Cameo, your team must choose one person who can get you to guess the answer on back by acting out silent clues just like charades. I'll read the hint aloud and start the timer after I pass the card to the actor
/paints nose red
/stands with jaw agape
/holds hands out in perpetual stance of outrage
/would not be happy even if sharing a beer with Jesus fucking Christ himself
To win this Copy Cat, your team must choose one person who can get you to guess the answer on back by acting like this famous person or character. The actor should mimic their speech and actions, but say no names of the people or places. I'll start the timer after I pass the card to the actor
"I smoke cigars and have an IQ of 2. Last night, I tried licking cake batter off a still running Kitchenaid mixer paddle. My head is made of pure quartz. Somehow, there are people at my work who are just as stupid as I am, if not more so. I varnish my mustache. Employees at my restaurant often steal from the register because I am unfamiliar with math."
To win this Zelpuz, your team must take the mixed up puzzle below and rearrange all the letters to find the answer. I'll read the hint and puzzle aloud, then start the timer after I pass the card to you
HINT: What Peter King will be administering to Brett Favre in front of special needs children after the Packers/Seahawks game.
To win this Blank Out, you team must complete the puzzle below by filling in the blanks with the missing letters. I'll read the hint aloud and start the time after I pass the card to you.
HINT: Number of years the average Patriot fan has been a Patriot fan.
To win this Lexicon, your team must agree on the correct definition to the word below. I'll read the word and definitions, then start the timer after I pass the card to you.
A) Mental excitement or confusion
B) What I do in the shower with green shampoo
C) Word Emmitt Smith uses when he means "permutation"
D) Constant shared mood of Jack Del Rio and Mike Tice
Well, that was fun. Now, onto the REAL games.
Playoff Game Picks and Predictions
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And I'm boldly forging ahead and making picks.
Jaguars 28, Patriots 27. Since my picks are inherently stupid and meaningless, I may as well go ahead and pick the Jags. If you pick the Jags, you get to boast about it if they win. If you pick the Pats, you're just another guy who made the sensible, correct decision. That's no fun. Far more enjoyable to be brazen and stupid. Ask Les Miles. Besides, the Jags seem to match up well with the Patriots. Like the Ravens and Eagles, they run the ball well and employ a cover corner good enough to shut down Randy Moss. Will this make a difference? Probably not. But may as well roll the dice.
I'll confess now that, should the Patriots lose, I'd join everyone else in feeling that these playoffs would lose a whole lot of juice. It would be fun to see the Pats go down. But is a Jags-Colts AFC title game as interesting as Pats-Colts, or even Pats-Chargers? Of course not. I enjoy watching Tom Brady play football, and I like seeing how Belichick schemes against high-octane offenses like Indy's. The truth is, I'm rooting for the Patriots AND against them simultaneously. I have no idea how that is possible. Yet, here I am. I'd like to see history made, just not by THAT team. For THOSE fans.
Packers 31, Seahawks 20. I have been on Vicodin all week to treat a back problem that has ranged from "excruciating" to "not quite excruciating, but probably will become so at any minute." I have no clue how anyone can get addicted to this crap. Oooh! I can't get enough of the grogginess and waves of mild nausea! This Vicodin is so irresistible! What a crock. I was expecting a good buzz. Instead I feel like someone spent all night fucking with the dimmer switch in my house. Bullshit. You let me down, makers of hydrocodone! You too, Queens of the Stone Age. That drug doesn't belong anywhere near "Feelgood Hit Of The Summer". Who throws a Vicodin party?
We all know that celebrities who claim to be in rehab for prescription pills are just using that as a cover for their addictions to way awesomer drugs like booger sugar and heroin. But if there is anyone out there who has ever legitimately checked into rehab for an addiction to Vicodin (*cough* FAVRE *cough*), I have to say, that is one LAMEASS addiction. Part of the fun of being an addict is telling people in rehab about all the crazy ass shit you did just to get high, or so I would assume:
"Then I woke up... IN HANOI!"
Vicodin doesn't make you do any of that. Unless I'm doing it wrong. Perhaps following the exact directions on the pharmacy label is for suckers. Maybe I need to snort that shit, or grind it up in a mortar and stir it into a tall glass of Bull Ice. Further research may be required.
Colts 34, Chargers 14. In which we see Norv Turner and Philip Rivers inevitably sink to the occasion. Perhaps MJD will drink enough during this game to gather up the courage to get Muff Stubble Girl's digits. Then again, I'm assuming she has them tattooed on her midriff somewhere.
Cowboys 16, Giants 13. And here's the most unpredictable game of the weekend. The Giants, who have looked like a real, live football team over the past three weeks, head into Texas Stadium to play a Cowboy team that's been flat since November. If any team is liable to suffer from the kind of letdown the Colts experienced in the 2005 playoffs (which took place in 2006. Stupid calendar-straddling season), it's probably this team. TO's limping. Romo's busy getting taking trips to Mexico for the sole purpose of acquiring VD. Sparano's on his way to Miami. Garrett is gassing up the bus to run over Wade. I fully expect the Giants to keep the lead until the 4th quarter, when the Cowboys get their shit together and win one of those dodged-upset games that are always a big fucking letdown to watch.
Playoff Pick Record: 3-1 (2-2 vs. the spread)
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Celebrated Summer" by Husker Du. Growing up in Minnesota means you are required by law to like Prince, Husker Du and The Replacements. Limited Warranty, not so much. Husker Du broke up in 1988 after the suicide of their longtime manager, and in part because of drummer Grant Hart's heroin addiction and singer/guitarist Bob Mould's speed addiction. Now THAT is fucking rock'n'roll. Beats Vicodin.
Oh, and "Celebrated Summer" is one of the greatest rock songs ever recorded.
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Rico Suave," by Gerardo. "You gotta know how to deal with a woman who can't let go, the price you pay for being a gigolo." So true, my man. You and I share a common bond like that. Gerardo here crams his videos full of hot chicks dancing around in skintight spandex skirts. This was a hugely successful strategy for making videos in the 80's. I don't know why more bands today don't copy that model. Oh wait, I know why. Because bands today that are not named Queens of the fucking Stone Age are gay. Gayer than Gerardo. No wonder they never play videos on MTV anymore. They lack quality pussy.
Gerardo rocks the leather-jacket-with-no-shirt look in this video, something I have wanted to try in the bedroom, but am unlikely to pull off. Also, be on the lookout for Gerardo switching up to the bandanna and hoop earrings. Totally makes him look like a pirate. A MEXICAN pirate. Muy peligroso! Don't bring that Gerardo into your parents' home! He's used to good ol' fashioned homestyle Spanish cookin'. If he tries your mom's shit, he'll be pukin'.
Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Shaun Suisham. You shall pay for upsetting the Maj, Shaun Suisham. The Jews are the one species of flying monkey that you do NOT want to piss off. They hold those grudges forever. I'd tether your child to his or her pram, if I were you.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Terrell Owens (ankle)
• Tony Romo (Cabo Wabo)
• David Garrard (hard out here for a pimp)
• Matt Hasselbeck (Mike Holmgren)
• Dallas Clark (no injury of any kind. Fucking Dallas Clark)
Actual Wild Card Of The Week
Each week until all Wild Card teams are eliminated, I'll be picking an actual Wild Card of the week. This week's is Mike Bloomberg.
Will he? Won't he? He could really shake things up! Don't cut into Obama's votes, Bloomy. Blacks already dislike Jews plenty.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
California Pizza Kitchen personal pizza. Home of once bizarre and now widely accepted pies such as BBQ Chicken and Thai Chicken, CPK has expanded their menu to include even more exotic ingredients, such as jerk chicken, carne asada and Japanese eggplant. What you may not is know is how many other kinds of strange pizza never made it out their test kitchen. The Fried Panda Bear And Red Onion pizza, for example. Or a Mario Batali favorite, the Mangino lardo pie, which is carved tableside. He practically melts in your mouth!
The Bazooka Gum Pizza also rated poorly. Though the comics under the box proved a big favorite with the Sussman family.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Hamm's. You know, I don't know why people get on beer companies' jocks about marketing to youth. I see no pandering to children here. I just see a happy little bear, hoping to grab an ice cold can of Hamm's before frolicking in the meadow with his cuddly animal friends. Perhaps they'll sing a merry drinking song or two. Won't you join them? It'll be so much fun! And, lest you think that's a cookie jar, I assure you, it's a decanter. What does it decant, given that almost all beer is not decanted? That's up to your imagination!
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
House Party. I bought the soundtrack to this movie hoping the danceoff song would be included.
Your love so goooood
Your love soooo fine
Ain't my type of hype, babay!
/knocks feet with David Givens
But it was fucking nowhere to be found. Such bullshit. Anyway, I've seen House Party a grand total of 4,000 times. Between Robin Harris ("I come from a town called Fresh Off A Cop's Ass! And I'm feeling a little homesick!"), John Witherspoon ("Public Enema?"), Martin Lawrence back when he was funny ("Dragon breath? Your shit is a little tart, too!") and Full Force ("We're gonna kick your fuckin' ASS!"), it's an embarrassment of riches. It's as closely in touch with the black community as I get. I especially like the scene where Kid accidentally sees the fat guy nailing his wife through their bedroom window ("Whose pussy, baby?!"). It's like that one scene in Sideways, only NASTIER.
Also, for the record, I think Play should have been declared the winner of the rap battle.
Look at him now. Already a has-been,
Let Uncle Play sing a rhyme that'll tuck your ass in.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Hmm. Lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: A NSFW centerfold shoot featuring Raquel Gibson. Courtesy of Ufford. I like the fact that the video contains NO interview.
• For the gals: Foreign indie flick staple Gael Garcia Bernal. With pubes!
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR... that Joe Gibbs resigned to spend more time "ungaying" his son, Coy.
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
"You guys should, uh, play like you belong here. Because you do belong here. Kinda. And just go, like, have fun. And, uh, play with confidence. Ugh. You guys blow. I'm going to Texas."
Enjoy the games, everyone. Best NFL weekend of the year.