Dammit, Walter The Hockey-Loving Parrot: This Is All Your Fault

The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.

Some will blame a Flames team that was pushed around by the Oilers, who have been reduced to a glorified AHL squad. Some may blame a rusty CuJo (I think there are pills for that), who gave up five goals in his first NHL game since last April and suffered taunts from his former fans. But ladies and gentlemen, I know the truth; and the truth is that Walter, the Parrot That Loves Hockey, needs to step his ass up.



The news segment below is about Walter, an adorable parrot who chants "Go Flames Go." As what I'm sure is a formerly well-respected local anchor explains, "Flames supporters come in many shapes, sizes, colors ... and now apparently, species." I'm getting a serious Tits McGee Veronica Corningstone covering the cat fashion show vibe here; if this is what passes for local news, Canada needs more gun violence:

As fans, we have a responsibility to keep our teams fired up by screaming at our televisions, or else God Save Us. So when I see the Flames give up three power play goals and lose to Edmonton in a fight-filled game because Walter the Talking Parrot didn't light a fire under their collective ass, all I can say is: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man. You're Polish Catholic.

All due respect to Walter the Flames-Loving Parrot (who is a much better fan than Blinky, The Devils-Loving Three-Eyed Fish or Shootie, The Red Wings-Loving Bullet Casing ... comedy pyramid in 3...2...1), but Calgary's fighting for a playoff spot here. One more performance like this, and I'm cutting off his head and selling him to a blind kid.

The Big O. Last night's other two games were bizarre overtime affairs. In Denver, Shane Doan thought he netted the game-winner for Phoenix before it was awarded to Radim Vrbata later in the evening. They still scored it wrong: Credit the game-winner to referee Chris Rooney, who the Avalanche claim blew his whistle during a scrum in the crease, causing them to stop fighting just long enough for Phoenix to end the game.

Meanwhile in Jersey, Ty Conklin had more rebounds than Shaq in a pick-up game against the rest of the jockeys. In the end: Parise > ConkSuck.

Puck Headlines

* A 14-year-old player just committed to the University of Vermont men's hockey team. And to think that when I was 14, the most exciting thing I did was look for random body parts in the scrambled Adult PPV signal. Basically every night. [Burlington Free Press]

* Speaking of random body parts, the KB filters down AskMen.com's Top 99 Most Desirable Women to its sports essentials. No. 24, Elisha Cuthbert: "Recently spotted making out with Paris Hilton, a high-risk sport itself. Currently out 3-4 weeks with cold sores." [Orland Kurtenblog]

Dammit, Walter The Hockey-Loving Parrot: This Is All Your FaultS

* North Dakota coach Dave Hakstol has been suspended for two games for flipping the ref the bird. Or mooning the crowd. Or drowning a bag of fuzzy kittens in Gatorade jug. [Nihlist in Golf Pants]

* I don't know what's more stunning: The vitriol The Pensblog unleashed on the Pittsburgh sports media, or the fact that they found some virtue in that sack of ex-wrestling shit Mark Madden. [The Pensblog]

* The Florida Panthers team bus caught on fire. Don't worry: They were able to put it out using the 20 gallons of tears they collected from fans when Luongo came back with the Canucks over the weekend. [Miami Herald]

* Finally, Teemu should be back for Anaheim tonight against the Islanders. On Wednesday, it's off to the White House as the Ducks meet the Lame Duck for 20 minutes of awkward comedy and mangled pronunciations. [The Press-Enterprise]