Deadspin
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.
One of the hallmarks of hockey is good 'ole boy protectionism. Chris Simon tries to make candy fall out of Ryan Hollweg's head, and he's portrayed by teammates and coaches as a lunkhead whose violence is born out of misunderstanding ... like an NHL version of the "Cloverfield" monster. Rick Tocchet helped operate an illegal sports wagering ring, was suspended for it, and upon reinstatement his good buddy Wayne Gretzky has let the NHL know there's "no animosity" on Tocchet's part.
Some believe this is misguided arrogance, but Gretzky actually has a point: The state of New Jersey might owe Tocchet, Paul "Paulie Walnuts" Gualtieri, the late Christopher Moltisanti and every other bookmaker it's tried to pinch a big, Jovi-hair sized apology.
Jim Kelley of Sports Illustrated went after Tocchet this week, claiming his dalliance with gambling dragged the Phoenix Coyotes through the mud: That former GM Mike Barnett lost his job "partly because he placed a bet on the Super Bowl" (and partly because as an executive he had the itchy trigger finger of Harry Callahan), while Gretzky and his wife had their reputations tarnished through guilt by association. "It's fashionable to blame the authorities and especially the media, but in the end, those agencies were just doing their jobs," wrote Kelley. (By the way: Has anyone asked Janet Jones if she had heads or tails last Sunday?)
But it's hard to get sanctimonious about Tocchet's actions when the NHL has its proud debts to the gambling community and when the State of New Jersey now appears less concerned with the illegality of Tocchet's side business and more concerned that it wasn't getting a fair cut of the profits. The state assembly yesterday passed a measure that would legalize sports wagering in Atlantic City, and amendments could broaden that scope to include the state's racetracks. That's right: Legalized betting on the NFL, only a 5 minute walk away from where Hoffa's buried. It's times like these when the "war on sports wagering" seems about as valorous as when the DEA hauls out an ex-hippie for smoking a joint in his basement.
Tocchet returned to the Phoenix bench last night in a strange and disappointing 2-1 loss to Columbus. Strange because Bryzgalov was outplayed by Fredrik Norrena, and Craig Weller somehow was given a match penalty for intent to injure after knocking out C-bus's Ole-Kristian Tollefsen with one punch. Disappointing because I had $100 at 3-to-1 there'd be no goals in the first period. That's the last time I call Tocchet's 900-number for advice.
Steel City Screw Job. I don't want to say referee Dave Jackson is a little quick on the whistle, but had he been a Super Bowl XLII official Manning would have been sacked, David Tyree would still be an above-average special teams player and the world would be a little sadder having seen Tom Brady's toothy grin next to the Lombardi Trophy for a fourth time. Jackson lost sight of the puck before ConkSuck inevitably lost it to the Islanders a millisecond later, and blew his whistle right as Billy Guerin was about to send the game to overtime with 0.4 seconds left in Pittsburgh. Isles lose, 4-3, to the Penguins; meh, serves them right for treating Pat Lafontaine like a bitch.
No MSG. When is the proper time for the Rangers to push the panic button? Last night's 4-1 loss to the Ducks at home gave New York 60 points in 57 games; Boston and Buffalo, eighth and ninth in the conference, are within three points and both have four (!) games in hand. Jagr hasn't scored a goal in seven games and has four in 2008. I've been trying very hard to find a bigger bust than Jaromir this year, and I think the only contender is this one, seen at a Christina Aguilera DVD signing at Best Buy:
* Theo Fleury has a concrete company. No word if it's sold by the kilo. [The Leader-Post]
* The Canadiens go from challenging the Senators for best in the conference to losing to the Leafs. Some people claim this League has parity; I say it's the craziest fucking thing I've seen since Britney starred in "The Amy Winehouse Story. [Excellent Montreal Canadiens Blog]
* A brief history of the face wash. Quote of the day from Chico Resch: "If I keep trying to rub my hands into your face, you're going to get angry." Yeah, especially after he sends one of those Cuban sandwiches from the concession stand in Newark back out to sea. Yuck. [New York Times]
* Self-Pimp Jones: My list of The Best Hockey Scenes in Non-Hockey Movies, from "Clerks" to "Strange Brew" to "Lethal Weapon 3." [Barry Melrose Rocks]
* This guy and Brind'Amour's wife are probably the only ones that want Eric Lindros in the Flyers Hall of Fame. [Philadelphia Daily News]
* In the middle of its delightfully profane game summary and Photoshopped images of turd sandwiches attacking Ted Nolan, Pensblog reports the big news: Sidney Christ is skating again. [The Pensblog]
* Finally, Ryan Kessler assisted on the game-winner in Vancouver's 2-1 victory in Atlanta. And that's why they're writing hardcore rap song about him.
Comments
He's an interior decorator!
Really? His house looked like shit.
In today's closer, Wyshynski reveals the dark side of his man-crush on Conklin by coining the name "ConkSuck".
fake boobs + lactation = golden woopers
@apostles03: Our nice little Pittsburgh girl is all growed up. And out. And round. And luscious.
Eric Lindros in the Flyers hall of Fame?
That would be a fun night in Philadelphia, I'm sure.
@ArkansasFred:
He's still at large.
@Sarcastro: Scary, isn't it? She looks like a blow-doll if it were hooked up to one of the machines they use in the Macy's Parade.
I don't have a good feeling about the Islanders now. May be time to sell off what little they have. Can't get too mad about the call, they have been playing like shit for weeks, didnt deserve the break.
By the way, the Coyotes assistant coaches are Rick Tocchet and Ulf Samuelson? I hate those guys.
@Sarcastro: pretty sad, actually...my first comment in four days and it's about the neighbor girl's tits. But they are spectacular.
Does McCabe count as one of the 5 NHLers or the 15 AHLers?
"He's like a forward playing defense, and not in the good, Bobby Orr way." - my buddy the Leafs fan.
@ArkansasFred: My favorite line of the whole series.
And dear God, Christina Aguilera. If only I was a troll-looking record executive...
@Zach Parise's Shorty: Concussion Night! Free admission when you show your CAT scan at the door!
Best. Episode. Ever.
Also...
dude, dude, HELLS YES!
@kayceebk:
I am still waiting for Brett Lindros Night at Nassau where snowmobiles park for free.
@Sarcastro:
Wexford represent!
And of course the Rangers are going to crash out of the playoff picture. There's a direct link between the offseasons where they go on free-agent spending sprees and years they miss the playoffs.
@koivutoakill: More like in the Sandis Ozolinsh way?
@TheStarterWife: I should want to say hi to Ty Conklin nicely, I shouldn't want to keep him in a big jar in my basement.
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Not to totally take this thing in another direction, but is there any Sopranos episode that even comes close to the Pine Barrens?
I remember people having a real hard-on for the one where Tony goes to college with Meadow. And there's something to be said for the finale because
And why no reference to Conklin's worst puckhandling gaffe yet?
@Wilf: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It did not happen. Completely block it from your memory!
@TheStarterWife: Isles have to score somehow.
There's no such thing as an "ex-hippie".
Fellow Pittsburghers: I have heard from two totally unrelated people on two completely separate occasions that Christina Aguilera smelled/smells like hot dogs. Am I the only that has heard this rumor? Is it true?
@Wyshynski:
+1, you brilliant bastard.
@BarbarobicsInstructor: She does indeed. But tastes like fish.
@BarbarobicsInstructor: I heard a "can of spoiled tuna", but that was from a girl who has hated her since grade school.
@Wilf: Worst gaffe yet? This year maybe but all time? Not even close. 2006 Stanley Cup Final. Canes goal scored by Rod Brind'Amour assisted by Ty Conklin. Deja vu all over again.
@IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing: Just in time for lent!
@Wyshynski: I would have to say nothing comes close. When Ralphie and Richie get whacked those two are near the top of my list though.
@The Curse of Harold Ballard's Bunker:
Yeah, should have added the clarifying "...in his time as a Penguin."
On the plus side, Malkin started making his run to the Ross trophy last night. He'll take the scoring lead before the first of March, I'm thinking.
@BarbarobicsInstructor: I'd love to slather her in mustard and ketchup and... wait, what?
@Wilf: At least you have a plus side. The best I get is Darcy Tucker returning from the dead to score two goals and eat Carey Price's brain.
Last time the Leafs played the Sens, my wife said "Look at Tucker. He's just skating around in circles."
Priceless.
@Wyshynski: Dude, I grew up in the Pine Barrens. There was tons of organized crime. Don't trust the raccoons, man.
@Hextall454: Did you ever see the Jersey Devil?
By the way: Thanks for the avatar love the other day. I need to find a larger image; Angelina in a Devils jersey is nearly as sexy as Ovechkin in a Devils jersey. (A boy can dream.)
Wyshynski NHL Rule 56.4: Goaltenders and Puck Possession
When a goaltender has trapped the puck to the ice with his glove, the attacking team has three seconds in which to sever the goaltender's arm. If the arm is still attached after that time, the puck will be considered frozen, and play will be whistled dead.
I exaggerate, but the Pens have been burned by some slow whistles this year. We were due.
@The Curse of Harold Ballard's Bunker:
Well, you also get to see where Mats ends up, right?
San Jose? Somewhere out west, surely.
@Wyshynski: /don't stop
believin'
hold on to the feeelayiyain...
@The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: When a goaltender has trapped the puck to the ice with his glove, the attacking team has three seconds in which to sever the goaltender's arm. If the arm is still attached after that time, the puck will be considered frozen, and play will be whistled dead.
AMENDMENT 1.1: Unless, of course, the puck is still moving and the referee blows his whistle because he's out of position to see it.
AMENDMENT 2.2.: A goal will be counted if Hasek's arm is severed -- even if the puck is at center ice.
@Wilf: Vancouver. Let Sundin play with the Sedins. It would be just like the Leafs to take that egregious Naslund contract in return.
@TheStarterWife:
Frankly, I think ConkBlock deserves some credit for not having flashbacks and going all Michel Dion and just skating off to the locker room.
@Wyshynski: Lou doesn't believe in 13-year contracts for forwards. If Marty weren't Marty, the same would go for goalies.
Otherwise, yes, I'd love to see Little Sheep in red and black. And, it would be the third time we've taken a former Cap to Cup glory (Bobby Carpenter and of course Scott Stevens being the others)
@Chief Wahoo: Sure there is. They're called yuppies.
@IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing:
I have assumed all along that Foppa will end up in Vancouver to cement that whole gay Ornskoldsvik fellowship. That would leave Mats as the odd Swede out.
FUCK YOU MAREK ZIDLICKY. WAY TO COMPLETELY FUCK UP IN OVERTIME AND HAVE US GET SCORED ON. MORON.
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