Deadspin
Since tedious analysis is the stuff of "power rankings," each Monday NHL Closer writer Greg Wyshynski uses a form of universal expression: Success in terms of beer. Before we get to more grizzly Richard Zednik sliced jugular news, welcome to The Brewmeister Ratings...
Winner No. 1: Anaheim Ducks. "We're putting the band back together." "I really can't." "We got everybody but Scott 'Guitar' Niedermayer and Blue Sammy Pahlsson, and we're getting them next." "If you say no, and George Parros and I will come here for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week ... the women! How much for the women? How much for the little girl?" "Okay, okay, I'll play." And thus Selanne returned to the Ducks, and they haven't lost since, going 4-0 last week including yesterday's 3-2 win in Detroit. They're on a mission from God ... or at least from Brian Burke, who considers the difference between the two to be semantic, really. The Beer They'd Be: A full-flavored Schwarzbier served in giant jugs at Anaheim's Oktoberfest.
Winner No. 2: Dallas Stars. The Stars have won six straight, including Saturday's 6-2 shooting gallery against St. Louis. True story: When Jussi Jokinen beat Hannu Toivonen on (another) bad goal, the red light wouldn't stop flashing behind him. So the music guy in Dallas plays "Roxanne." Genius. The Beer They'd Be: A tall, frosty Sierra Nevada that Brett Hull buys you in order to pick your brain for trade ideas and salary negotiation pointers.
Loser No. 1: Detroit Red Wings. For any other team, going 1-2-1 over the last week wouldn't be a disgrace. For Detroit — which lost games to L.A., Toronto and the Ducks — it's the hockey equivalent of allowing a 32-yard pass to David Tyree when they had Manning in the grasp. The Beer They'd Be: A warm, half-filled 40 of St. Ides used for target practice in inner city Detroit.
Loser No. 2: New York Islanders. Finally picked up a point in an overtime loss to Minnesota on Saturday night — their first since Jan. 22. Forget Ted Nolan speeches; Mike Comrie needs to promise Hilary Duff lap dances around the locker room if they turn it around. The Beer They'd Be: A plastic cup of watered-down Coors Light at a bad Long Island night club that contains a mixture of Drakkar Noir and Italian townie flex sweat.
Daniel Plainview Was Correct. I blogged about the Richard Zednik throat slash yesterday for FanHouse, but honestly I'm as much at a loss for words as Daulerio was last night. (Good to see that nice young man back on the j-o-b, by the way.) Here's a screen cap that Deadspin commenter SBA posted on that thread that is more chilling than anything else I've seen; if anyone ever wonders what a "holy fuckin' shit!" face looks like, there you go:
The image also shows Zednik, in stable condition as of this morning, saving his life by continuing to the bench instead of diving to the ice, which tells me that if this happened to Alexei Kovalev we'd be in mourning right now. Olli Jokinen, whose errant skate sliced his Panthers teammate's jugular in Buffalo last night, said it best: "If you hurt your knee or break your arm, it's nothing. This is an injury where you can die." Ryan Miller, Buffalo goalie, said it worst: "It looked like a Quentin Tarantino movie." Yet I didn't hear any ironic dialogue, and I don't recall previously seeing this scenario played out in a better Hong Kong film...
Between this and linesman Pat Dapuzzo taking a skate to the face in the Rangers/Flyers mess over the weekend, this is clearly an epidemic. I fully expect Bettman to hang protective mosquito netting around the neck of every player and official, further obscuring the view of seats behind the goal. Either that or he'll start selling officially licensed meat pies. Bottom line is that if the NHLPA would just approve those heated electric skates, Zednik's jugular would have been cauterized in an instant.
Reason No. 3,432,885 The Shootout Blows. I must question the legality of this skills competition move by Vancouver's Ryan Shannon in the Canuck' 3-2 win over Chicago last night. But I find the use of a spin-o-rama against a Denis Savard team to be quite pimp:
Puck Headlines
* Hockey Day in Canada was about as saccharine as a Mitch Albom book about a dog who meets five people named Morrie in heaven. [Globe & Mail]
* Sure, he might look like a kid with a toothache in a dentist's waiting room, despite being his team's alleged "leader." But Jaromir Jagr really does care about the Rangers. Honest. [New York Times]
* Finally, Puck That Hit presents the Top 10 Best Names in Hockey; limited to this season, so, alas, no Darren Rumble or Jeff Beukeboom. [Puck That Hit]
Comments
Blood, beer, and booze. Great way to start a Monday.
@tater:
booze=boobs.
Pffft...Walk it off, Zednik.
/Clint Malarchuk.
ahh, The Red Wings are just trying to make it interesting.
Not to mention Cleary took a puck to the grill and ended up with a broken jaw
/soupstraw
@tater: booze=boobs.
Using my time at the University of Maryland as a test, I must validate this equation as true.
I know playing for the Panthers sucks, but I think I would have requested a trade before resorting to a skate to the jugular
Ryan Shannon totally stole that from Pierre Marc Bouchard.
No mention of the Penguins finally getting a W against the Flyers? BTW, ConkBlock gave up another layup after mishandling a puck. That makes two in two starts. Both wins, and it's the Zamboni door's fault, blah, blah, blah. Still, I'm officially worried.
And I'm glad to hear Zednik's doing well after that freak accident. Shoulda been you, Todd Bertuzzi.
/can't believe no one's used that yet.
There's no such thing as a bad Long Island night club, if you love getting rejected by coked-up girls with too much makeup on. Which I do!
Um, you know, before the Ducks decide to get all crazy, let's talk about the horrendous video replay decision that cost Mr. Lidstrom the tying goal late in the third period. Really just a lost weekend for the Red Wings.
Or you know, let's not, as Zednik's throat should probably trump the day.
The Beer They'd Be: A full-flavored Schwarzbier served in giant jugs at Anaheim's Oktoberfest.
Yes, those jugs are giant. And the beer glasses are big too.
@BarbarobicsInstructor: I'd give my left nut to be in Florida right now. 11 degrees and windy? Charming.
orst
@crazyjoedavola: Continued... Worst part for Zednik. Stuck in Buffalo.
"NO BLOOD, NO TEARS!"
I don't think my iceskating teacher when I was 3 could have seen this one coming...
@crazyjoedavola: I flew from Florida to 11-degrees-and-windy this morning. Ugh.
Brent Burns also used a sick shootout move to win the game against St. Louis last night.
Bottom line is that if the NHLPA would just approve those heated electric skates, Zednik's jugular would have been cauterized in an instant.
Darth Maul-itized
Also, haven't been able to watch the video since I'm at work, but god damn. Can I make an OJ joke yet?
yes, yes, dude with throat slit
just a flesh wound
@Hit Bull Win Steak: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
If this was an NFL game, Ollie Jokinen would be staring down a lengthy suspension. Be glad you play a man's game, Finnish guy.
I made that electric-skate-cauterized joke here in the office earlier this morning.
Went over surprisingly well.
At least Dapuzzo's injury gave the Rangers and Flyers a smell of blood - leading to crazy scrum that Dapuzzo actually tried to break up.
/was in the stands
/stabbed with a trident
/shits pants
@Sandy Magic Jackson: Really, the only thing missing from the video was a Whilhelm scream.
@Yostal:
Horrible, horrible call. Just unbelievable.
@Wilf: My season tickets are at the Zamboni entrance end. I have seen more fucked-up bounces off those boards than the laws of physics say are possible.
You'd think, with the Pens defending that end for two periods, somebody at Mellon Arena would do something about that...
When The Igloo closes, I'm stealing those boards and using them for firewood.
/prayer for Zednik
@Doyle McPoyle:
Melt Your Face Off already did.
@Yostal: Hear, hear! Nik was robbed. I hate it when officials decide the outcome of a game like that.
@The Legend of Vincent Tremblay:
On the TV side, Paul and Bob noted after the Hartnell goal how Brodeur bitched that the new NJ arena has the Zamboni door at the end he has to defend twice. As a puckhandling goalie, it makes total sense. For the Pens, though, unless it was Barrasso or Hedberg in the net, you pretty much haven't had to worry about that whole puckhandling thing.
And how about Downie basically deciding he'd had enough of Ruutu? Priceless.
@The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: When The Igloo closes, I'm stealing those boards and using them for firewood
Are you serious? The fact that they may have been doused by Crosby sweat means you can fetch at least $1,000 from some dumb kid from Canada on eBay.
@Wyshynski: We'll see where the exchange rate is in 2010...
@Yostal: Got home just in time to see that. Where I come from, that's called a good screen.
Zednik was decent enough when he played for us. He's no Chris Higgins, but I was disturbed to see him with his neck open.
Darcy Tucker, on the other hand... this might not even be news.
Should of been you Jagr or Avery or Philadelphia Flyers.
Small update: Surgery late last night, condition will be updated later today.
[www.wivb.com]
Slashed Throats And Beer Wenches may be the most unlikely followup for Mitch Albom possible.
Well, that or a good novel. Either or.
@Afino: @Clarence Rosario: @The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: See, I realize I am biased because it was my team and I am willing to defend Holmstrom's "pest" attributes to the ends of the earth, but genuinely, it just seemed like he was running a good screen on J.S.G. and if there was any contact, it was on Giguere's part. But, you know, maybe it'll wake the Wings up. The fight and call off seemed to rouse the JLA crowd out of their doldrums.
I really need to go to Oktoberfest some time:
[www.jaunted.com]
Slashed Throats And Beer Wenches
AKA Bavaria circa July, 1934
@Chamomiles Davis:
+1, well-played.
I'm famous!!
@Wyshynski: You can have my gashed seat up in E28 for free my man.
So how about those heated blades, eh?
@stealofthedraft: Elisha Cuthbert?!
Oh, and thanks for providing the lead art for the NHL Closer in about three weeks.
By the way, for anyone still trolling the comments here: 2 Habs arrested in Tampa, 1 charged with stealing a woman's purse.
[sports.aol.com]
Should've been you Johnny Weir.
@Wyshynski: Shoulda been you, LaPierre.
Oh yeah....
[youtube.com]