Deadspin
We don't mean to harp on John Rocker lately; as we've said, we legitimately like the guy. We think it's probably because we've been impersonating him so much on this book tour. He has gotten in our head. We aren't quite ready to admit that we were wondering what he and the lovely Alicia Marie were up to this Valentine's Day, but now that the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has asked for us, we'll go ahead and publish the answer.
It sounds nicer than what you're doing for Valentine's Day.
"Alicia Marie and I will be at a spa for a couples' massage, going to a live jazz club and spending the night at a posh hotel - champagne, strawberries in the room - where a personal chef is going to come and prepare dinner. Piece of Cake in Buckhead is making a special Valentine's Day cake for after dinner."
Sheesh, he's got a pretty lucrative post-baseball career, we guess. Other highlights include Magic coach Stan Van Gundy taking his wife to a Van Halen concert and Falcons owner Arthur Blank making it absolutely clear that he loves animals by giving his wife a cat. They should all just skip it and just go to a book reading. Or, you know, sit alone and cry, realizing death will be solitary.
Valentine's Day Plans Vary For Sports Personalities [Atlanta Journal Constitution]
Comments
Urban Barbie looks normal, but Racist Ken looks retarded.
The chick on the left is MUCH hotter than the dude on the right.
And he's keeping the mullet, dammit.
Are they going to a costume party as Tarzan and Jane or something?
-inject each other with HGH
So, Stan Van Gundy is going to let his wife get drilled by David Lee Roth tonight?
Talk about a romantic!
@Carson: Barry Melrose approves.
Meh, I'd still take cleaning my fish tank, playing Madden '07, and masturbating over any activity with John Rocker.
Alicia Marie vs. Kiana Tom. Who wins?
Urban Barbie looks normal, but Racist Ken looks retarded.
He's not a racist. He's got a black girlfriend!
@Weed Against Speed: I saw VH at the Garden. If Eddie takes off his shirt again, romance will be replaced by nausea. No one needs to see that. 60 yr old man booby.
"Couples' massage huh. Well I'm doing a single's massage thinking about Debbie Clemens' ass.
@Al_Czerviks_Ride: Barry wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.
Rocker's, I mean.
I see Alicia will be attending Chas' frat party instead of the kegger over at Mellon's.
This is awesome, because I was wondering just the other day how an insufferable loudmouth hillbilly would spend his Valentine's Day.
Other highlights include Magic coach Stan Van Gundy taking his wife to a Van Halen concert
Not to mention the gorgeous sleeveless denim jacket he got her.
@The White Boom Boom:
Like...like watching his old baseball videos?
@OhGodYes: Kiana, OhGodYes! Bodyshaping on ESPN was like porn.
Ookie's brewed up a special batch of toilet wine for his prison bitch.
Arthur Blank may be giving his wife a cat, but Andrei Kirilenko's wife is giving him a cougar
SPEAK ENGLISH. It's the language of love!
John Rocker has had some unbelievable VD's, but this will be the best one yet.
@Big Daddy Drew: Uh, swim meet.
Well, it sure beats my plans of drinking alone and crying while masturbating. I hope I can find my copy of The Notebook to watch in the dark!
The cake will be in the shape of the 7 train. The jimmies represent the kids with purple hair.
@Gourmet Spud: I'd imagine watching that would be like watching Uncle Rico's videos. "If Bobby Cox woulda kept me in that game, we could have won the World Series."
Rocker seems to have abnormally skinny feet.
@Doyle McPoyle: I just dropped $40 on flowers and for what?
*wife whispers in ear*
What thing? OH THAT THING!
Uh, never mind what i was saying...
You could fit an unabridged dictionary between those suckers.
Their legs, I mean.
Alicia Marie and I will be at a spa for a couples' massage, going to a live jazz club and spending the night at a posh hotel - champagne, strawberries in the room - where a personal chef is going to come and prepare dinner. Piece of Cake in Buckhead is making a special Valentine's Day cake for after dinner.
There will also be ice cream.
Then, I will take Alicia Marie back to my luxurious condo, and I will freak her all night long. I will freak her like she has never been freaked before.
If she wishes, I will also freak her in the behind.
/Smooved
...I'm going to get drunk at a hockey game with my best girl friend, catcall single men, stumble back to her house, and have a snugglefest until we both pass out.
/keeping it classy for 22 years
As happens every February 14, Carmella DeCesare will receive a cold reminder that she is living a lie.
Does this guy own a normal shirt? How about a nice Oxford button down, John?
This story is full of holes. Few jazz clubs serve Red Bull.
My brother just sent me this text message: "The last time I celebrated Valentines Day, I baked a lasagna and got two bottles of Boones Farm Wine and banged Sarah on my couch."
@The White Boom Boom:
Hey man, whatever floats your boat...
I plan on giving my hooker an extra 20 dollars tonight, just to show her I really care.
Has the ability to do this been discussed:
+ Watch video
Zip-up shirts = pure class
@2ndBase: Did you text back "why don't you call her 'Mom' like I do?"
/runs away
Remember this year on Valentines Day nothing says I love you like a diamond.
Diamonds... she'll pretty much have to.
@Big Daddy Drew:
Chas: "I have got a really bad cramp."
Melon: "Probably menstrual"
Chas: "Screw you Melon"
Is ANYONE going to St. Peter's tonight to hear the world's fastest book reading?
This story is full of holes.
Which is ironic, because Alicia Marie isn't.
@Weed Against Speed: yeah, But Oingo Boingo is playing at melon's. Its a dead mans party !
God, I love that movie.
Spud, please say fewer things that will make me sterile.
@UpstateUnderdog: Pretty sure later on Alicia will be helping John straighten out his Longfellow.
What's Rocker doing with Paris Hilton's publicist?
That's right, I got celebrity gossip jokes. Wanna fight about it?
Will Leitch has given so much joy to the time-wasting, boss-ignoring, drinking-on-the-job American workforce through his juggernaut of a blog...
Um, thanks?
@thetaxman: and Taming that Shrew.
@kataroo_kangaroo: Ho.ly.fuck. I just learned out tix for the game tonight are center ice lower level. if liz were gay i would totally sleep with her in a not-so-platonic way tonight.
My guess is that one or both of them will be dining at the Y tonite
@Rob Iracane: And that 7 train will be running on track ... well, you can see it in that picture up there ... yes, the train tracks running between that woman's breasts.
@UpstateUnderdog: Later, he's going to take a bath with Bubbles.
@OhGodYes: Everybody wins.