A Test Of One's Intestinal Fortitude

David Hirshey writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer.

As if I didn't have enough reasons to vomit this weekend up at Dartmouth — what else are you going to do in the frozen tundra of Hanover other than drink yourself into a coma when you can't watch a satellite feed of the Arsenal-Birmingham game? Fortunately, I have a wooden leg for such matters and after seeing YouTube clips of Eduardo's fibia snap, apparently so does the Crozillian striker. Only his is made of balsa.

If you haven't watched the horror tackle, let me try to put it in some context for you. Anyone who is old enough to remember how LT turned Joe Theismann into a failed broadcaster will probably hurl at the sight of Birmingham's Martin Taylor going all Javier Bardem on Eduardo's left leg. Honestly, I haven't seen anything as ugly since Steven Seagal's "Above the Law" when he grabbed a guy's arm and snapped it backwards at the elbow. How nasty was the injury? It was so nasty that British TV refused to replay the incident and those people put any shit on the air, even the Carling Cup.

More on this in a moment. So Eduardo is now out indefinitely, and I fear that Arsenal may not have a leg to stand on when it comes to battling ManU for the Prem. On the bright side, if Eduardo's limb doesn't heal, I'm sure he could always marry Paul McCartney.

As if the leg snap wasn't sickening enough, Tottenham fans have been taunting me about their big win this weekend. That's right, they're now the proud owners of the 2008 Carling Cup. I'm not saying it isn't a prestigious title, but personally, I'd walk with more swagger if my Syracuse Orangemen had won the NIT. The preseason NIT. Still, a cup is a cup and if it makes Relegation Zone Mikey feel good about himself for a couple of hours, then God bless. That is, if your idea of feeling good about yourself is bitch-slapping a pint of Guinness onto your mate's lap because he refused to fellate Juande Ramos with you. Turns out that the Spurs celebrated in much the same way that RZM did. These guys went out to toast their victory and The Source Awards broke out.

Ledley King, finally back after an injury-ravaged season, was thrown out of a London nightclub when he got too drunk to stand up and tried to do a Kimbo Slice on the club's bouncers. Instead, he fought more like Posh Spice and was dragged away by teammates like Jermaine Jenas, who apparently had a few Carlings himself.

By the way, the undercard that night was Danielle Lloyd, former Miss England and girlfriend to anyone who makes at least $100k a week kicking a ball, vs. Joanne Beckham, whose brother makes even more than that bending a ball, which frankly was probably a better match than the Carling Cup. So maybe I picked the right weekend to be out of town, after all.