Deadspin
Pure blogging brilliance from 100 Percent Injury Rate over at FanIQ: While digging through the suddenly free Sports Illustrated archives, they've discovered a 1979 Frank Deford article about what the NFL will look like in the year 2000. It's as hilarious as you think it is.
A few awesome highlights:
"The coaches will begin to dress alike, and maybe there will be a machine out there doing the coach's job. It'll be second and four, the guy will punch a button on his chest and—wonk, wonk, wonk—he'll say, 'O.K., run off tackle.' " —John Madden, Former Coach, Oakland Raiders
"I think you'll have a lot of women playing quarterback by 2000. For one thing, they have a higher threshold of pain." —Byron Donzis
"The 25-yard end zone is the single greatest thing that could change the game. The whole concept of goal-line defenses would change with that." —Marv Levy, yet again
"We'll see equipment that will be supportive of body functions. I'm visualizing devices that will allow a player—a receiver, say—to jump two or three feet higher than he does now. Or we'll put a strong enough biomechanical device on a quarterback's back so he can pass 150 yards, which will be important, because the field will have to be that large by then." —More Byron Donzis
God, you really have to read this article. By the way, that Byron Donzis you've never heard of? He's "a Houston inventor who invented the first football flak jacket." He invented a lot of weird shit. Here's guessing Frank Deford doesn't use him as a source again anytime soon.
Guaranteed Hilarity: A 1979 Take On How The NFL Would Look In 2000 [FanIQ]
Comments
"wonk, wonk, wonk"
Is that the sound a four-legged turkey makes?
"by the year 2000 the world will have pain-free mcdonalds bags" byron donzis
Oh I see, James Harrison was just preparing his girlfriend to play QB.
Byron had a clouded, Nostradamus like vision. When he saw into the future, he saw the game as played on TV. He just didn't know he was watching NFL Blitz.
did anybody see the sf chronicle giants/a's preview this weekend? they had a fucking article like this that was even more dumb, because it was just ray ratto speculating on the next 40 years of baseball. i think he was trying to be funny but it was hard to tell.
"2044: In a cost-cutting move, the Giants and A's vote in favor of the owners' new proposal to go to a Strat-O-Matic dice league. After discovering that the Yankees and Red Sox have spent enough money to control most of the world's supply of 6-, 8-, 10- and 12-sided dice, the owners vote to go back to humans."
[www.sfgate.com]
I'm visualizing devices that will allow a player--a receiver, say--to jump two or three feet higher than he does now.
Randy Moss don't need dat shit.
By the third sentence all text will be aerodynamic.
What a bunch of idiots. Robots are built to promote football, not coach it.
Rex Grossman can throw 150 yards without devices, damnit.
"We'll see medicine that will be supportive of body functions. I'm visualizing drugs that will allow a player--a receiver, say--to jump two or three feet higher than he does now. Or we'll put a strong enough PED in a quarterback's buttocks so he can pass 150 yards, which will be important, because the field will have to be that large by then." --More Byron Donzis
Performance Enhanced.
"Also, Morten Andersen will finally retire."
Bears fans will still remember the 1985 fondly despite it being 15 years after their Super Bowl title which is six years away from happening.
In the Year 2000 Conan O'Brien will be given a chance to play for the New York Jets and will prove to have a better arm than Chad Pennington.
"The NFLPA will become the most powerful of all sports unions. Given that football players' careers are much shorter and infinitely riskier than their baseball counterparts, it would take a complete failure of leadership for this not to happen.
Also, go with BetaMax. It's the superior technology."
- John Mackey, former union head
I like the envision Frank Deford screeching "In the Year Two-thousAAAAAND!!!!" before every prediction, while holding a flashlight underneath his face.
"The 25-yard end zone is the single greatest thing that could change the game. The whole concept of goal-line defenses would change with that."
Isn't that pretty much what the CFL has right now?
Three words: Buy Bear Stearns.
"In the year 2000 Trent Dilfer will lead a team to the following January's Super Bowl and win." - Byron Donzis
What a fucking loon this guy was.
"In the year 2000, Will will occasionally forget to close his italics tags."
Um... I'll show myself out now.....
@Dan Daoust: Yes, and you see what that has done for their popularity. Rouge, anyone?
Unfortunately I listened to Byron Donzis and converted all my AOL stock into Compuserve in 1985.
"In the year 2000, there won't be any contact below the waist." -Bum Phillips
"Damn you Bum Phillips, take that thing off Martha." -Byron Donzis
1.21 gigawatts?!
The scariest prediction is Tom Flores saying that Al Davis would become commish.
...and we all know how Dan Pastorini's career took off once he started wearing Mr. Donzis' flack jacket- wait, what?
@Jews For Purple Jesus: But Cedric Wilson's significant other will be playing in the CFL
In the year 2000, there won't be any contact below the waist
That is a world I don't want to live in.
Quoth the prophet Donzis:
"The wrong people-like athletes-are getting all the ink now, but the media are going to start to praise the innovator. Wait. We're about to enter the most exciting educational period in history."
So... how's that working out for all of your inventors out there? Making about as much as Tommy KellY?
wonk wonk wonk > deux deux deux
Levy was only 93 when he made those comments. He's much older and wiser now.
In the year 2000 the NFL will have RADAR!
Players will travel to work and play in huge hollowed out loaves of bread.
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