When you're done, Kruk wants it back.

What you missed while thinking the Pirates/Braves game would never end.

I don't think either team wanted to really win the thing.

What you missed while wondering where Ole was

Always and forever, you da man Ric. Thank you.

Wooooooooooooo!

+ Watch video

A Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbi walked into Citizen's Bank Park Monday to bless the opening day baseballs.

I half expected the rest of the article to be the punchline to a joke.

This year the team and the fans are praying for a championship season.

Interesting. Some of the rowdiest fans in North America have resorted to prayer.
The 700 Level has been replaced by The 700 Club.

What you missed while bracing yourself for the inevitable April Fools Deadspin post that I will fall for and comment on.

@tater:

Aren't the phillies usually the punchline?

What you missed while tearfully burning the 173-0 t-shirts you had printed up.
Stupid Jason Grilli.
/What was everybody saying about the Tigers bull pen?

What you missed while Jason Bay made no effort to hide the fact that he bet on the Braves.

Fly balls are supposed to be caught, Jason. Caught.

@AppFan: That was an awesome send-off.

Also Johan Santana: can't stop him. Wouldn't want to. Shit's downright Darwinian.

what you missed while watching the phillies opening game and not being sure if it was 2008,2007,2006, or 2005

What you missed while wishing you just went to bed early to avoid the heart attack you got in the 9th and 12th innings

What you missed while waiting for Vinnie to come in through the window...

Criminy, Daulerio comes back and the first thing we get the next day is a story about Philly and their balls being blessed.

What you missed by celebrating day 2 of the Royals still being in the playoff picture.

Hey, I really missed that baseball schadenfreude! Thanks for bringing it back, Braves fans.

Well, time to find a new God.

@OchentaYcinco: I hear Vishnu has openings.

@OchentaYcinco: I AM GANESH

/walks around with elephant head on

Okay, so my female co-worker just pulled the "I'm pregnant" April Fools joke on my boss.

And it worked. Awesomely.

The Ghost of Tom Gordon will be The Boss' newest hit song after I murder Tom Gordon.

And Eric Gagne is now 1-0. This is why wins is the most important statistic in baseball.

@ArkansasFred: I was thinking ritual human sacrifice, but yeah, that'll get the job done.

On one hand, Willie said "Santana was outstanding today. He was pounding the zone all day". On the other hand, it was against the Florida Marlins.

@HazelMaesLandingStrip: did the dude sleep in a gutter the whole offseason? I hope so.

@HazelMaesLandingStrip: They had that game on at the bar I was at last night, and the two most amusing things were (1) absolutely knowing it was Gagne who gave up that homer, even though I hadn't been paying attention to said game, and (2)hearing a bunch of Cubs fans go FUCK-YOU-DOME! in unison.

@Afino: Thats normally only topped by the "I'm pregnant, and it's yours!" joke on your boss

What you missed while Johan Santana was going 0-3, K and Carlos Gomez was going 2-3, 2B, BB, 2 SB

It's like A.J. Pierzynski for Boof Bonser, Joe Nathan, and Francisco Liriano all over again.

@shea_guevara:
The best part about his name is the Cubs fans will say it when he does something good or bad.

@Jerkwheat:
Please do not offer my god a peanut.

/apu'd

@White Speed Receiver:
Torii Hunter?

Yeah, that's it. Chant a few magic words over the baseballs. Don't bother, you know, signing competent pitchers or anything. Fucking religion.

@Hit Bull Win Steak: A joke best not told at the top of a staircase.

@Chamomiles Davis: C'mon, that's like blaming the lottery for poor people.

@Chamomiles Davis: We shoulda got a live chicken!

@Doyle McPoyle: Jobu demands a sacrifice!

@Chief Wahoo: If poor people are wasting their money on lottery tickets, they deserve to be poor. There, I said it.

There's a "oh, I'll bless the Phillies' starting second baseman's balls, all right" joke in there but I'm too dainty and ladylike to make it.

Oh, look what I did.

@Clare: Cheeky!