Rejected Commenter Theater 3: The Rejeckoning

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane, co-editor of Walk Off Walk, to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, the quarterly performance of Rejected Commenter Theater, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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Every week, tens upon tens of Deadspin readers try out to become full-fledged commenters. If you are lucky enough to become one of the approved, you earn the ability to think up and post hilarious puns about topics such as the hapless Washington Nationals (when will they finally get some hap!?). If you are unlucky enough to miss the cut, you may still win notoriety by getting your audition posted in Rejected Commenter Theater!

Perhaps you remember the last installment of Rejected Commenter Theater in which our regulars were introduced to the now infamous phrase "O AN HE SEXY." If not, let me explain the concept in three simple steps: (1) I read your comments (2) I pick out the worst ones (3) I publicly shame the person who made them. Let's get ready to shame humanity!

Perhaps you recall the Dana Jacobson fiasco from the Mike and Mike roast way back in January. She was suspended from the ESPNs after making those awful remarks about Jesus and Notre Dame and the fat man who coaches them. We received a ton of pending comments attacking Jacobson for making those sacrilegious 'jokes'. Here, one of the angry Jesus folks named SWEATWOMAN gives us the business:

OH I GET IT>>>YOU CAN"T MAKE NAPPY HAIR COMMENTS AGAINST ANOTHER RACE>>THAT ONE WILL GET YOU FIRED>>BUT>>YOU CAN MAKE HATE COMMENTS AGAINST THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE>>AND YOU WILL JUST GET A WEEKS WORTH OF VACATION>>>I GET IT NOW>>>

Obviously, SWEATWOMAN was dictating her comment to a Western Union man who was to send the message via telegram. Those must be 'stops' between her thoughts. We also received exactly one commenter who was defending Dana and her drunken vodka-fueled tirade. Here's Rhino196669:

Get off thr girl's back! Who among us, has never made a Fool of themself, after drinking an ocean of booze? "He who is without Sin, let him cast the first stone"! Cut the girl a break! I'm sure she feels bad enough. Don't kick someone when they're down because, SOMEDAY, YOU may be the one down!

Heck, I should have approved Rhino196669. He has drowned in an ocean of booze and made a fool of himself, so he's obviously one of us. Sorry, bro!

Deadspin celebrated a very special anniversary in January, as it was exactly one year after that awful horse named Barbaro was finally put down. The worldwide web of internetworked computerators have always been a breeding ground for horse-lovers and Barbaro nuts, and Deadspin has not been immune to these crazies. Here's what skw530 spewed for our entertainment:

Obviously, Deadspin users think they are funny. If you call a group of people who have raised almost a million dollars for Laminitis research and horse rescue scary, what do you think of yourselves. Now, go back to posting negativity or photoshopping pictures to make fun of people who accomplish more than you will ever do in your boring little lives.

User rlhaines follows:

you people make me sick , thought of glue? waste of meat? DISGUS TING> what do you people do all day ? think up ways to upset us true animal lovers.?yes barbaro is gone but he waas a horse. a creature of the earth just li9ke you and me. give me and barbaro a break. if you dont like hiom,KEEP YOUR OPINIIONS TO YOURSELF. thank yo

First of all, yes, we DO think we are funny and except for certain comedy pyramids that topple under the weight of extreme punniness, we ARE funny. Secondly, we make fun of dead people all the time (cough cough Bison Dele cough) so I think a silly dead horse is far less offensive. Now go away.

Finally, after the Giants defeated the Patriots in Super Bowl XL-whatever, we got an overflow of audition comments from Giants haters and Patriots haters alike. Most were of the standard, hack "my team is better than your team" variety. We don't like that kind of attitude here. Deadspin is the place where everyone's team is better than your team, especially when one roots for the Arizona Cardinals. I like to channel my inner Woody Allen and use the more self-deprecating humor; this is easy now that I am an Eagles fan. Anyway, back to the Giants-Pats Super Bowl; pending commenter Deadmanringstwice took a different route and ignored the Pats and Giants:

Hey, my name's Jon Benet Rams. I like Budweiser, the St. Louis Rams (duh!) and jokes about murdered 6 year old girls. I'm a class act.

Odd that I didn't approve this guy. I normally love JonBenet Ramsey jokes.

These commenters, however, are mature enough to avoid child-murder humor and instead made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: The Ernie Banks statue proofreading error
futuremrsrickankiel: In fairness, Will, if you were engraving the statue, you would have forgotten to close one of the tags at the end and the whole freaking statue would have been a hyperlink to Fire Joe Morgan.

Re: Andy Roddick's super hot girlfriend
Doyle McPoyle: And I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Brooklyn Decker sounds like one of those ridiculous sex moves, like the Cleveland Steamer, the Dutch Oven, the Boston Massacre, or the Kataroo Kangaroo.

Re: The Pat Summitt congratulatory post
Doug Llewelyn, Court Reporter: Last time I slept with her I got Aqua Net on my cock.