devoted sister, beloved aunt, espn, eulogies

ESPN Wants You To Write Their Eulogy

Picture, in your mind, a world without ESPN. No SportsCenter. No scrolling tickers. No Skip Bayless. Frightening, yes, but we're all adults here, and nothing created out of one's imagination is lethal. Now, take those feelings, and put them into words. Now send them to ESPN, because they'd like to collect all those hypothetical feelings. That's right. ESPN is holding a eulogy contest.

It appears that Farther Off The Wall caught wind of a circulated e-mail from ESPN Fan Zone, asking them about the macabre situation of an entire sports entertainment entity dying:

ESPN is always looking to better understand the emotional connection you, the fans, have with our brand. One great way to get at how much you love something is to imagine it's gone. So play along with us here:

Imagine that ESPN has passed away and you've been asked to deliver a eulogy at its funeral.

Click on the link below to submit your eulogy. Explain your relationship with ESPN, why you will miss it, your best memories of it, and perhaps its cause of death.

Cause of death? They want to know cause of death? Hey, wait! This is a trick. I've seen Fletch. They're trying to snuff out the conspiratorial faithful embedded within our very nation. They've been slow to get permits for those wiretaps, so they're flat out asking Le Resistance for their schematics. How very shrewd.

The wake will be hosted by the Around The Horn panelists, who will then argue about how ESPN's death really puts things in perspective.

Did You Have ESPN In The Death Pool? [Farther Off The Wall]

2:30 PM on Sun Apr 20 2008
By Sussman
5,956 views
40 comments

Comments

Innings Eater at 02:45 PM on 04/20/08
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I put my money on autoerotic asphyxiation.
Innings Eater at 02:51 PM on 04/20/08
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Nice tag, by the way.
$Image of hector villanueva\'s posse$ hector villanueva's posse at 02:52 PM on 04/20/08
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The fuck's an 'ESPN'?
Chad Sexington at 02:55 PM on 04/20/08
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I love my dead, gay son.
$Image of What Would Kornheiser Do? Presented by Larsen\'s Biscuits$ What Would Kornheiser... at 02:57 PM on 04/20/08
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A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants....
I Party With 33765-183 at 02:58 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 91

Didn't ESPN die a while back?
How do you spell retard? at 02:58 PM on 04/20/08
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Christopher Hitchens does a great eulogy.

+ Watch video
CardinalRedOctober at 02:58 PM on 04/20/08
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Did a large procession wave their torches
As my head fell in the basket
And was everybody dancing on the casket
Now it's over I'm dead
And I haven't done anything that I want
Or I'm still alive
And there's nothing I want to do
twoeightnine at 02:59 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 183

Here I sit so broken hearted,
Your network went to shit,
The day Around the Horn started.
12-Inch Idongivafuck... at 03:00 PM on 04/20/08
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Eli got married??

He's still gay though...
being_sven at 03:01 PM on 04/20/08
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"You're dead to me. More dead than your dead mother."
bizzo5000 at 03:01 PM on 04/20/08
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Joe Morgan(now homeless):
[tookourjobs.ytmnd.com]
Fawn Liebowitz at 03:02 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 262

There once were some men from Connecticut...
I Party With 33765-183 at 03:03 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 91

@CardinalRedOctober: I hate you. Now I'll be DLing TMBG songs all afternoon.
Nacho Friendly at 03:06 PM on 04/20/08
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Remember when there was only one set of footprints? That's when Charlie Steiner was carrying me.
CardinalRedOctober at 03:07 PM on 04/20/08
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SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!!!
Slothrop at 03:08 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 284

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by Norby, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the Bristol streets at dawn looking for an angry fix.
Knicks Legal Counsel at 03:09 PM on 04/20/08
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ESPN
Down in flames
Gave Stephen A. and Skip
Their own segment again
$Image of What Would Kornheiser Do? Presented by Larsen\'s Biscuits$ What Would Kornheiser... at 03:09 PM on 04/20/08
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Twenty years of great service
And the history you made
But thanks to Shapiro and Norby
We now piss on your grave
CardinalRedOctober at 03:11 PM on 04/20/08
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I'm a nice guy, and I don't want to see Erin Andrews homeless. She can stay at my place.
Nacho Friendly at 03:13 PM on 04/20/08
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[Kenny Mayne], Rufus, and [Mike Tirico] were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean actual brother, but I mean like the way black people use it...which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a [ESPN personality's] life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because [they] have chiseled abs, and stunning features, doesn't mean we can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. So today ladies and gentlemen, i would like to take this opportunity to announce my retire---[John Salley and Tom Arnold crash the funeral with Hansel]...I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being really, really, really good [at sports highlights]...and I plan on finding out what that is. Thank you.

/derek zoolander
Knicks Legal Counsel at 03:16 PM on 04/20/08
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Berman was getting old
Knew he couldn't hack it
Today we bury our friend
In his stupid green jacket
Slothrop at 03:19 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 284

Will they bury ESPN by the bike rack or by the coyote decoys?
futuremrsrickankiel at 03:27 PM on 04/20/08
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Any networks's death diminishes
me, because I am involved in mankind.
FThat at 03:41 PM on 04/20/08
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There will be a fake funeral mass at Yankee Stadium after the pope leaves, led by Steve Phillips.
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 03:42 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 348

Deer ESPM,

I will miss you a whole lot. You gay me a chance to matriculate my thinkings on the air. Been a fooball anal lust wasn't easy, but you guys treaded me well and tot me to masturbate my tots intangibly.

Rest in pieces,

Emmitt
J-No at 03:43 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 279

@Slothrop: I think they'll just flush it down the toilet like you goldfish when you were a kid.
Bring Me The Head of... at 03:44 PM on 04/20/08
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A suicide.

Though brief, the suicide note was instructive:

"Dear Mom and Dad and Berman,

+ Watch video

I'm sorry,
ESPN"
cromartie at 04:49 PM on 04/20/08
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When I saw your lifeless body, floating in the pool and our children, little ESPN2, TSN, ESPN The Magazine, and ESPN Star Sports crying while the Disney paramedics dived in desperately trying to reach you to revive you, all I could think of was the appropriateness of it all.
Delicious Pundit at 05:02 PM on 04/20/08
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Earth, receive an honored guest
ESPN is laid to rest
Let the Bristol vessel lie
Emptied of inanity.
Bearcat44 at 05:33 PM on 04/20/08
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ESPN Cryptkeeper: Beano Cook
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 05:39 PM on 04/20/08
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Connectedness Index: 348

@Bearcat44: I'm pretty sure the Cryptkeeper honors would go to John Clayton.
Bearcat44 at 05:58 PM on 04/20/08
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@Brazil Thrill - Hawks Aficionado: You're right.

D'oh!
metalmaniac at 08:15 PM on 04/20/08
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As he was leaving his office for the last time, ESPN boss George Bodenheimer uttered these words: "He finally did it; Cowherd sunk the WWL. It's all his fault."
gjdodger at 09:48 PM on 04/20/08
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"You're no longer Now, ESPN.

You're Then.

Too bad.

You could have--gone--all--the--way."
metsarethe... at 12:06 AM on 04/21/08
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ESPN had a good run, but in the end it came down to desire for quality sporting news ....

ESPN Commentor
Beer-Fart at 07:41 AM on 04/21/08
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@Brazil Thrill - Hawks Aficionado: Every time I see that bulbous head atop that skinny neck I think of Mr. Mackey.
[www.globalfailure.com]
The Joy of Cesc at 01:35 PM on 04/21/08
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ESPN did another tie-in with the Make A Wish foundation, during which a drunk Chris Berman demanded that a sick child on the set (probably born with his heart on the outside of his body) shut the fuck up so the Swami can concentrate. In a separate incident, John Kruk teabagged the reigning National League MVP during an argument on Baseball Tonight. All of this was filmed, and now we're stuck with Fox Sports and the Big Ten Network, and it isn't as bad as we thought it would be.
Tapeleg at 02:43 PM on 04/21/08
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Next on FSN, Who's Gone.
Tapeleg at 02:47 PM on 04/21/08
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@The Joy of Cesc: Now I don't mind Matt Holliday missing out on the hardware.