Deadspin
The NHL Closer is written by five pretentious, post-punk musicians from Melt Your Face Off. We reach for our revolver when Kristen Bell isn't pictured.
We Can no Longer Trust Logic: Previous to last night, humanity used statistics to predict future events. Versus hammered the comparison between the 2004 and 2008 Boston-Montreal series into our heads for the past week. The higher seed was up 3-1 in the series, then lost Game 5 by a score of 5-1 en route to losing the subsequent two games, and Claude Julien coached both underdogs. Naturally, one would expect Boston to win Game 7, with Tim Thomas shutting out the gutless Habs. Instead, the Canadiens dismantled the plucky Bruins 5-0, winning the series 4-3. In your face, Heinrich Heine! Canadiens fans, beneficiaries of twenty-four Stanley Cups, displayed grace and poise in victory. Rocket Richard would be so proud of them.
Carey Price regained his earlier form, stopping 25 shots, including three quality chances by Phil Kessel and one by Game 6 hero Marco Sturm. Marc Savard congratulated Patrick Roy's heir apparent by elbowing Price in the head at the end of the game. The Amazing Kostitsyn brothers, Andrei and Sergei, combined for three goals, with the elder brother Andrei scoring twice. Alexei Kovalev added two assists. Guy Carbonneau attributed the victory to his lucky tie. If Guy were sporting a skater's cut and a straighter nose, he'd look like me at a junior high dance. Er, um, would, uh, you like to, you know, dance with me? — Raskolnikov
Excuse Me, Sir? You Seem to Have Some Semin in Your Eye: The Capitals forced a Game 7 in Washington by defeating the Flyers 4-2. Mike Richards opened the scoring on a powerplay off a Caps tripping call to put the Flyers up 1-0, but things really began going downhill when Danny Briere, he of the Hockey Emo Bangs and the Dashboard Confessional, slotted home what looked like the game-topper just after the 2nd period started. The Caps weren't prepared to go down without a fight. Alexander Semin and Nicklas Backstrom played tic-tac-toe on a 3-on-2 break to get the Caps on the board halfway through the second, and Semin tied it up just before the end of the second to silence the rowdy Philly crowd by catching a puck that fell out of Biron's glove. That gut punch took all the fight out of the feisty Flyers team. The Flyers opened the 3rd with the full-court press. They ricocheted a puck off the post within the first 30 seconds, but that was the last time they showed any kind of movement on the puck.
That is whenOVIE TIME came into play on a breakaway, tossing a puck over Biron's left shoulder to put the Caps ahead. Afterward, the Flyers just skated around looking like they got their block knocked off. They erred by receiving a Too Many Men on the Ice penalty and got hit by Round Two of OVIE TIME, a Fulton Reed-like blast of the puck. — ReasonableDoubt
Puckdump:
Finally, the NHL exiled Ville Nieminen to Malmö Sweden because of his dirty mouth, not because he sucks (Language NSFW).
Comments
The Ghost of Dale Hunter strikes again!!
Kristen Bell is the only woman to ever make me enjoy a musical. Well, that and the fact that it was all about weed.
Where'd Carbonneau get that tie, anyway? Burger King?
That picture of Kristen Bell made me go from six to midnight.
Oh, Konstantin Koltsov. That was a fun little experiment
Go Netflix Veronica Mars. Was a fantastic show.
Alex Ovechkin: I would like to shave off half your facial hair and shove it up your left nostril.
That is all.
Kevin Smith asks wives/girlfriends/main bitches of Rangers fans to not have sex.
The Devils fans figured they should stop at 37 times anyways.
Yes (I like to pretend that I did, back in '94), YES!, douche (really? texting someone instead of staring at Kristin Bell's ass?)
Will Leitch, he of the blogging Emo Bangs > Danny Briere, he of the Hockey Emo Bangs
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
Last night's game. Wow. I feel like I got stabbed in the ribs.
But you know what? The Bruins did not have a dissapointing season. They brought it. I couldn't be happier to renew my season tickets.
@Afino: Try not to suck any d*ck on the way through the parking lot!
A riot? Over hockey?
Clearly, the people of Canada wanted it more.
Who knew Ricky Rackman was so indifferent towards lord Stanley's Cup?
@BigTenObsession: Text Messaging > Kristen Bell's Ass
/actually, I can't, in good faith, make that comparison. Dude is a total douche
Ok, forget Hayden- my new dream is to bone Kristen Bell while hoisting the Cup.
i didn't know kristen bell could read brail. She is talented.
First Guns and Roses (twice!) and now beating an eight seed.
Québécois will look for any excuse to riot.
@LUCIC FOR PRESIDENT: Stabbed? You got off easy, dude. I feel like I got fucking curb-stomped. Not to mention I'd been drinking all day prior to the game... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in tears on the Green Line home.
@Juancho: No way. Foursome. Me, 2girls (Hayden/Kristen), 1cup
Versus hammered the comparison between the 2004 and 2008 Boston-Montreal series into our heads for the past week.
Now the only comparison remaining is how I shed a solitary tear after both game sevens.
If Versus would have continued to hammer that point home, would we all have ended up looking like Brian Engblom?
@Charlie Kerfelds Jetsons Tee:
The streets were empty and silent when the Expos left town... Nuff said.
But what did Simmons think of the game? He's a huge Bruins fan right?
@futuremrsrickankiel: did you go to game 6?
@twoeightnine:
My friend told me Sunday night that Simmons was going to put up a bandwagon Bruins column eventually, and sure enough, yesterday he did.
Now he can go back to his basketball-loving hole.
@Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: Our Cup truly runneth over at that. Hear, hear.
And thus ends Simmons hockey columns.
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon:
Why I hope Philly loses, reason #45,236:
- So we don't have to read any more crap in the Buffalo papers about Drury AND Briere making it to the second round while the Sabres sit home.
@LUCIC FOR PRESIDENT: I wish. I settled for a 6-pack on my friend's couch and a lot of giddy, screaming phone calls.
@Afino: I ask the same of life partners/boyfriends/main bitches of Devils fans. It'll be harder for the Devs fans to comply, though, with all the extra time on their hands.
As a Philly sports fan, I hate to say I'm used to this shit, but... I'm used to this shit.
@Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies:
Well, y'know, he could skate and worked hard. He couldn't help that he had Frankie Leroux hands grafted on his body at birth.
@futuremrsrickankiel: best night ever. followed shortly by worst night ever. c'est la vie.
Have we ever figured out if Huntington Woods, Michigan native Kristen Bell is a Wings fan? She can join with Jeff Daniels and do some form of Michigan tourism ad perhaps?
@Yostal: You know, you should really try looking things up first before posing them to a general audience.
@Chamomiles Davis: It almost feels "right"
/shivers
@Yostal: your new picture kicks so many kinds of esoteric butt.
@Yostal: Michigan: Come for the burnt-out shell of a city, stay for the weird survivalists and loners in the UP?
/I keed
Expecting class from Habs fans is like expecting me not to masturbate to pictures of Kristen Bell.
Not going to happen.
@Weed Against Speed: Does he have an invisible marrionatte or is he casting force lightning on the audience there?
@Yostal: Yes.
@Chief Wahoo: I was up there last week (burned out shell). Good times!
@7-8 Deville: If her shirt has a clever saying, I'd love to read it in Braille.
How Long, O Lord, How Long, before you finally grant a winning team to us Bostonians? Have you no compassion?
Why yes, I did just get back from Denver. Why do you ask?
@MitchKayak: As much as I despise Habs fans, it's everywhere. The assholes who beat up the Habs fan (nearly to death) here in Boston were just as bad. I could not believe that.
Between the pats super bowl column and this bruins column, I think Simmons is finally starting to jinx his teams....I can't wait for Garnett to break his leg.
Yea, so I'm coming out of Verizon Center after game 1, and I happened to see the Ovechkin family standing outside the F Street Enterance. I think Ovechkin's girlfriend was with them.
How do you say 'Smoking Hot' in Russian?
My day is never complete unless there is some Mighty Ducks reference. Thanks for fulfilling that, RD.
@Afino: No love for Campbell?
@IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing: Did you get back from Denver last week or last fall?
@Weed Against Speed: Think about it. Have you ever seen Ann Meyers and Brian Engblom at the same time? Coincidence? I think not.
@Yostal: I will be wearing my Lidstrom jersey with a little more pride now
@I hate them: to further this point:
[www.exposay.com]