No Eternal Return For Bruins

The NHL Closer is written by five pretentious, post-punk musicians from Melt Your Face Off. We reach for our revolver when Kristen Bell isn't pictured.

We Can no Longer Trust Logic: Previous to last night, humanity used statistics to predict future events. Versus hammered the comparison between the 2004 and 2008 Boston-Montreal series into our heads for the past week. The higher seed was up 3-1 in the series, then lost Game 5 by a score of 5-1 en route to losing the subsequent two games, and Claude Julien coached both underdogs. Naturally, one would expect Boston to win Game 7, with Tim Thomas shutting out the gutless Habs. Instead, the Canadiens dismantled the plucky Bruins 5-0, winning the series 4-3. In your face, Heinrich Heine! Canadiens fans, beneficiaries of twenty-four Stanley Cups, displayed grace and poise in victory. Rocket Richard would be so proud of them.

Carey Price regained his earlier form, stopping 25 shots, including three quality chances by Phil Kessel and one by Game 6 hero Marco Sturm. Marc Savard congratulated Patrick Roy's heir apparent by elbowing Price in the head at the end of the game. The Amazing Kostitsyn brothers, Andrei and Sergei, combined for three goals, with the elder brother Andrei scoring twice. Alexei Kovalev added two assists. Guy Carbonneau attributed the victory to his lucky tie. If Guy were sporting a skater's cut and a straighter nose, he'd look like me at a junior high dance. Er, um, would, uh, you like to, you know, dance with me? — Raskolnikov

Excuse Me, Sir? You Seem to Have Some Semin in Your Eye: The Capitals forced a Game 7 in Washington by defeating the Flyers 4-2. Mike Richards opened the scoring on a powerplay off a Caps tripping call to put the Flyers up 1-0, but things really began going downhill when Danny Briere, he of the Hockey Emo Bangs and the Dashboard Confessional, slotted home what looked like the game-topper just after the 2nd period started. The Caps weren't prepared to go down without a fight. Alexander Semin and Nicklas Backstrom played tic-tac-toe on a 3-on-2 break to get the Caps on the board halfway through the second, and Semin tied it up just before the end of the second to silence the rowdy Philly crowd by catching a puck that fell out of Biron's glove. That gut punch took all the fight out of the feisty Flyers team. The Flyers opened the 3rd with the full-court press. They ricocheted a puck off the post within the first 30 seconds, but that was the last time they showed any kind of movement on the puck.

That is whenOVIE TIME came into play on a breakaway, tossing a puck over Biron's left shoulder to put the Caps ahead. Afterward, the Flyers just skated around looking like they got their block knocked off. They erred by receiving a Too Many Men on the Ice penalty and got hit by Round Two of OVIE TIME, a Fulton Reed-like blast of the puck. — ReasonableDoubt

Puckdump:

  • There are no more What Would Gary Roberts Do? bracelets available; Konstantin Koltsov bought them all. [The Pensblog]
  • Kevin Smith asks wives/girlfriends/main bitches of Rangers fans to not have sex. But what about the women who yell, "Martha Brodeur"? [San Jose Mercury News]

    Finally, the NHL exiled Ville Nieminen to Malmö Sweden because of his dirty mouth, not because he sucks (Language NSFW).