Deadspin
The NHL Closer is written by the five Staal brothers of Melt Your Face-Off. I know what you're thinking: aren't there only four Staal brothers? Silly Deadspinner. You're forgetting Tito.
In Philly, We Love to Chant for Best Picture Winners. Up until this season, I can't imagine the Wachovia Center faithful had the name "Marty" on top of their list of supportive unison incantations. Thanks to a certain netminder just over the River in Jersey, any chanting of said name was done in the spirit of mocking (as well as quiet jealousy). However, that Martin has been dispatched from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Flyers goalie Marty Biron remains. Much to the chagrin of the Montreal Canadiens.
Game 3 moved the Eastern Conference semifinals to Philly last night, and as in the previous two contests, the Orange and Black grabbed the lead and did their best to hang on for dear life, at the mercy of Biron's waffleboard. Before the scoring commenced, an entire period of tempers and tension prevailed. Derian Hatcher, who will be making a larger impact later in this Closer, garnered one of four roughing minors incurred with two minutes left in the period. Steve Downie was in rare form in the first as well, if by "rare form" you mean "an inexperienced rookie who takes dumb penalties." Montreal controlled the play, hitting the iron twice and falling victim to a Biron stick save on a Saku Koivu breakaway early on.
In Round 2, Habs' goalie Carey Price must have came back completely naked, as his lack of padded protection made it easy for the Flyers to score just about any time they fired the puck. Scottie Upshall turned a quick transition and a Joffrey Lupul pass into a 1-0 lead. And after a Lasse Kukkonen penalty for the puberty-favorite Holding the Stick, Mike Richards picked off the puck at the point and fired from afar past the naked Price. And so that Flyers didn't have to defend their most dangerous lead in hockey, R.J. Umberger nonchalantly scored his fifth of the playoffs to enter 2nd intermission up 3-0. Three goals on seven shots in the period? Yep, lack of equipment must be the reason.
When the 3rd period began, neither Price nor the hockey sticks of the Philadelphia returned to action. After two Montreal power play goals and a mere two Flyer shots on reserve Jaroslav Halak, the Flyers had hung on for the 3-2 win. But the real story? Derian "Ice Floe" Hatcher's 10 minute misconduct for boarding/elbowing/facecrushing Francis Bouillon into the glass behind Biron.
In other news, Mike Knuble is questionable for Game 4. Animosity, on the other hand, is probable.
Puckdumps
The last remnant of ESPN's Hockey coverage, coaching in Tampa? Stranger suits have happened. [ Kukla's Korner]
If Sean Avery is the Blueshirts' Fulton Reed, a certain former perennial all-star is their Kenny Wu. [ Globe and Mail]
And finally, surely you remember Sylvain Turgeon. You know, of the Hartford Turgeons? Ok, most of you probably don't remember him. And if you do, it's probably not because of his pugilistic skills:
Comments
Threadjack/
McCready confirms affair with Clemens.
[www.nydailynews.com]
/End threadjack
Erin who?
Clemens is oh so so so so so fucked.
"Is this Steve Downie? Hi, it's Elisha Cuthbert. Listen, I was watching you play, and for some reason I find myself strangely compelled to you. It's as if you remind me of someone, but I just can't put my vagin, er...finger on it."
Teri hatcher's OK, but I don't want none of Jackie Chiles' leavings. And wait...was that...was that a Turgeon shout-out?! Dear God!
/throws on #77 Islanders jersey
Teri Hatcher in Tango & Cash? Yes. Scary, Skeletor, Desperate Housewives Teri Hatcher? No, thanks.
They're real and they (were) spectacular.
Deadspin LLP, what's the statute of limitations, if there is one, on statutory rape? And, does the person have to press charges?
i.e., how fucked might Roger now be?
@Doyle McPoyle:
Technically the shout-out was for Sylvie, not Pierre. You know, Sylvain Turgeon, who got drafted #2 overall by Hartford, right ahead of three nobodies named LaFontaine, Yzerman and Barrasso.
@Slothrop: Fucked like a 15 year-old in a kareoke bar.
I still maintain that Lasse Kukkonen didn't deserve his Oscar nomination for The Cider House Rules.
@Secret Identity: And right after all-time great player(-agent) Brian Lawton.
@Doyle McPoyle:
Too soon.
@Doyle McPoyle:
which is bad, apparently. you shouldn't have sex with 15 year olds--good to know.
Turgeon: I'm gonna go like this, and if you get hit its your own fault.
@Slothrop:
In the U.S. I think it's state-by-state, and also depends on the ages of the people involved. I'd guess anywhere from 5 to 10 years would be the statute of limitations.
I also seem to recall that Texas doesn't have "statutory rape", they have various types of sexual assault of minors.
Do not want.
Sutter Brothers > Staal Brothers
Derian "Ice Floe" Hatcher
I prefer just to use the old standby - Traffic Cone. He wears orange.
@Slothrop: Celine Dion's manager since she was 14 ... then became married to when she was legal, doesn't agree.
As for the Habs D, it helps if you don't screen your OWN goalie. Asshats.
@UkraineNotWeak:
And considering Brandon Sutter (Brent's kid) is going to be playing with a Staal brother (Eric in Carolina) next year, that is a huge affirmative.
Seriously, Carey? You pick NOW to start eating it consistently? You couldn't have done this, oh, 4 games ago?
Whoops, sorry... guess this isn't a hockey thread.
@Doyle McPoyle: I still have nightmares thinking about "finesse" player Pierre Turgeon was traded for "gritty" Kirk Muller. "Gritty" being a synonym for "giant asshole franchise killer and general fuckwad"
@UkraineNotWeak:
Staal Brothers are far more talented. Oldest is already a Stanley Cup winner, and all three were contributors at 18.
Staal DNA will be the key to withstanding biological terrorist attacks.
@Secret Identity: As well as Cam Neely, John MacLean, Jeff Beukeboom, Claude Lemieux...
...oh, you say there isn't a team in Hartford anymore? I'm shocked.
@Triple B:
yeah, but she's Canadian, and as Secret Identity just explained, there are no laws against sex with kids in Canada. Plus, like, girls in Canada got no morals.
@RachelRayIsTheDevil: This won't be the last, either. There might not be any more women, but there will now be a steady trickle of "Roger Clemens is a boor/liar/dirtbag" stories. Apparently, he's even lying to his own lawyers (see: their denial of anything in appropriate vis a vis McReady).
@Adonis: And yes, I know there's a fourth that will be drafted this year.
Still:
2nd Overall, 2nd Overall, and 12th Overall?
That's government material.
@Slothrop:
"She was fifteen years old, going on thirty-five, Doc, and she told me she was eighteen, she was very willing, I practically had to take to sewing my pants shut. Between you and me, uh, she might have been fifteen, but when you get that little red beaver right up there in front of you, I don't think it's crazy at all and I don't think you do either. No man alive could resist that..."
@Adonis:Blasphemy. Sutters won at least 8 cups that I am aware of. Brent was the most offensively talented of the group, and all 6 were nasty and played the game right.
@McCroskey: Kirk Muller needs to die in a fire.
@Slothrop: true, it's pretty much the only reason i get laid.
wait, what?
@Slothrop: All of what you said, plus, if you've ever spent any time in Montreal, you'd observe that they're all horny little devils, too.
Relax, guys, the WWL commenters have the Clemens story covered:
what parents would let their 15,16,17 yrold daughter hang out with clemens anyway??? are they not concearned
Hey, is that Eliot Spitzer's wh.. er.. girl friend? She IS one busy young lady, huh?
In Philly, We Love to Chant for Best Picture Winners.
A-MA-DE-US! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)
A-MA-DE-US! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)
Jerry Lee Lewis laughs at the Roger Clemens.
@crazyjoedavola: Sutter Bros > Stall Bros + Bure Bros + Primeau Bros + Lindros Bros
@Slothrop:
I don't think that's exactly what I was saying...
@crazyjoedavola:
The Cups number for the six is nice, as is the sheer number of games... but on sheer talent, the Staals currently win.
They'll make more combined all-star games... that I'll put money on with anyone who'd like to.
To my knowledge the Sutters only made a handful of all-star games (3 for one, and maybe one or two others)
5 years statute of limitations in Florida that started the day she turned 18.
Now stop threadjacking my hockey, fuckers.
@McCroskey: Where do the Sklar Brothers fit into this?
How about the Primanti Brothers?
@McCroskey: On which side of the equation do the Niedermayer (sp?) brothers fall?
At least Roger didn't pee on Mindy McCready. As far as we know.
@Adonis: Brent and Brian were better players than people remember. Brian had a few 40-goal seasons, Brent had a 100-point season. Different era, but still.
The Staals should ultimately be better (though Jared's supposed to be a level below his three brothers, talent-wise), if Jordan and Marc fulfill their potential. Can't give it to them yet though.
@Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price: Whaddya mean? I find it hard to believe there is going to be a post about Clemens on Deadspin today. Where else are we going to discuss it?
@Jefferson Short Bus: Unfortunately, he may well have injected her in the ass.
@Adonis: Well since one is a Ranger, I have to hate the entire family. Sorry, thats just the way it is.
@Jefferson Short Bus:
Are you kidding? Do you think any of Mindy McCready's boyfriends haven't peed on her?
@Jefferson Short Bus: I didn't forget them Scott was unsure if he wanted to be included in the equation and he'll get back to me in 4-5 months.
@Balls State Explorer: They're at home, watching the game with the Ferraro Brothers