Whitlock Says No Tattoos, No Fat Chicks Equals Ratings Bonanza

Jason Whitlock has a new column fortified with eight types of essential craziness, arguing that one of the main reasons ratings are up for the NBA Playoffs is that many of the teams that hung around are devoid of tattoo-clad ruffians and street toughs. Another shocking revelation: fat people have sex. But it ain't pretty!

I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits. You're wrong. Like everything else televised, appearances matter. There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.

QUIT THE FATTIE SELF-HATRED, WHITLOCK! I'll have you know there are plenty of movies with fat people having sex. Chubby Chasers Three through Seven, for example, are excellent viewing. One and Two are okay, but you can tell the director is just getting his bearings.

No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball. It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it. You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.

I'm pretty sure this woman would dispute the assertion that no one wants to watch Delonte West. Hell, she wished he'd get more camera time. She's only up to thr third chapter of the novella on his arm.