This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.
I've heard people bitch about the East Coast bias for ages now, and it's time the truth came out. There is no East Coast Bias. There is a WEST coast bias. That's right! You people on the West Coast like to think you're sooo progressive, don't you? With your hybrid cars, and your organic produce, and your preachy Iraq war dramas that no one watches. And the mountain bikes! You're always on your FUCKING Cannondales, savoring the majesty of nature and shit. Jesus. You like to think only East Coast people would be so unenlightened as to be biased, but you're wrong, fuckos!
The fact is that YOU are biased against the East Coast by not being sensitive to our viewing habits. I know you fuckers out in California don't ever go to work. All you do is have lunch. But, here on the East Coast, we have jobs and shit. And we have to report to these jobs at 9 a.m. sharp, so that we can fuck around on the Internet for three hours, then snack on leftovers from promotional gift baskets, then spend an hour deciding what to have for lunch, then call home and talk about how tired we are, then take a one-hour dump, then browse freeones.com, and then maybe squeeze in a little work.
It's a stressful day, and it requires the full eight hours of sleep recommended by the American Dental Association, or whoever it is that recommends that sort of thing.
So don't give me any of this East Coast Bias bullshit. You think I like hearing about Red Sox-Yankees all the goddamn time? I don't. But fuck, man, they're practically the only teams who play games in a timely fashion. How the fuck am I supposed to follow the Angels? They may as well play on Hawaii time, for fuck's sake. Even teams from the East and Midwest have adopted the West Coast bias over the years. When did they start that Kansas-Memphis game last month? 9:15 or some shit like that? That is fucking BULLSHIT, man. I'm fucking old now, and old people tire easily.
They purposely start those games later and later just to accommodate you West Coast fuckers. Oh, God forbid you miss the first ten minutes of the game. No no no, we'd never want to interrupt your daily schedule of catching a wave in the morning and then skiing down Big Bear in the afternoon. You overly active pricks.
What about ME? I gotta wait all day long for some goddamn NBA playoff game to start, just so that I have something to do with myself. Then, when nighttime finally rolls around, and the kid's finally asleep, and I've done all the dishes like the little housebitch that I am, and I'm finally ready to settle down and watch the game around 8 o'clock, THERE'S STILL FORTY-FIVE MINUTES OF FUCKING PREGAME SHIT ON.
Do you West Coast assholes understand just how goddamn hard it is to find something else to watch at 8 o'clock at night while you wait for the game to start? I nearly watched 10 seconds of "Mind of Mencia" once, for fuck's sake. I turned on NBC one Saturday Night and saw Bob Eubanks. That was fucked up.
Why are we waiting so long for West Coast people to tune in on weekends? IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT. No one works on Saturdays in California. That's the day all the illegal Costa Ricans clean the place up. This isn't a nightclub. It's a goddamn televised sporting event. Why do you need to be so casually late? It makes no sense that I have to sit there with my dick in my hand waiting for some shit to start, you heartless pricks.
And do I hear a hint of gratitude for all that I and my East Coast brethren have sacrificed? No. It's always, "Wah wah, they're not paying enough attention to MY team! Now, to find out about my team, I have to tune into any number of blogs, websites, and internet radio shows that offer full and comprehensive analysis! WAH WAH THIS GLASS OF CABERNET LACKS BODY!"
Choke on my ball hair.
I would like to abolish this West Coast bias forever and ever until the end of time. Alas, there is only so much one man can do. Especially when that one man is as lazy and uninspired as myself. There is only one solution to coping with the West Coast Bias. And, as with any solution, it lies in alcohol. If there is one saving grace to games played into the wee hours, it is that late games help counteract the phenomenon known as The Drinking Wall.
We had dinner guests over the other night. This is what you do when you're 31 and married, like I am. You invite another couple over, cook them dinner and spend the night subtly persuading them to praise the décor of your home. Why? I don't know. All I know is that when we have houseguests over, I don't have to drive. And if I ain't gotta drive, then I can drink even harder than usual.
Fuck and yes.
I drink so many cocktails that, by the time 7:30 rolls around, I can rotate my head 360 degrees. It's awesome. With a handful of rum and cokes in my belly (with lots of lime, because I'm lots of gay), I am a most convivial host. I can conversate with the best of them. I can almost pass for a normal person, and not the slovenly, ball-scratching pervert I really am.
But after a few hours of heavy drinking, something happens. I hit a wall. Not literally, though that used to be the case. No, what I mean is that, after X number of hours drinking and shooting the shit, I eventually run out of conversation. I have only so many charming anecdotes to relay. Once they're used up, that's it for me. I'm full of Scotch, and tiramisu, and not much else. My brain checks out for the evening.
I'm not necessarily shitfaced. I've just hit the drinking wall.
I hit the drinking wall a little bit earlier in the evening now that I've got a family and what not. But I used to hit it when I was a swinging swingleton as well. If I had started drinking early in the night, like 5 or so, and subsequently failed to pace myself, then by 1 a.m. or 2 a.m., I'd end up drunk at the bar and very, very quiet. I wasn't sick drunk, but just solid drunk. Either way, I lacked the ability to socialize any further.
And that's when a West Coast game of any sort really, really comes in handy. If I don't want to go to sleep, but I also don't feel like chatting people up anymore, I can simply turn to the TV and stare. Pac-10 football games and late NBA playoff games are awesome for this sort of thing. They give you something shiny to look at when you're at the bar, and they provide great cover for you. If you didn't have a game to stare at, chances are you'd just spend the rest of the night staring at some girls' boobs. And that would make you creepy. To girls, at least.
But if you're just sitting there staring at a TV, no one will question you. I've found that, once I've hit the drinking wall, I can't even process what's going on in the game. Like the other night; after our guests left around 10, I was good and plastered. So I turned on Cavs-Celts. This wasn't a good game, but it didn't fucking matter, because I couldn't comprehend what was going on anyway. One second the Cavs were up by 10, the next they were up by 18 or something. Hey, how'd that happen? That was cool. Daddy needs more Knob Creek!
It's important to have that game to stare at, so you can empty your mind completely and prepare yourself for passing out in a drunken stupor. I went to Vancouver once to shoot an ad (and smoke lots of production-company-purchased pot in restaurant bathrooms), and the fact that all the games end at 10 there kind of fucked me up. On the one hand, it's nice that all that stuff wraps up in a timely fashion. But where do you turn when it's midnight and you don't really feel like talking to people anymore because you're blindingly drunk? Besides Sizzle Escorts?
That's why I propose the following scheduling mandates for all sporting events. First off, all East Coast sporting events will begin at 7:30 p.m. or earlier. No exceptions. If there is no East Coast sporting event that night, then any West Coast sporting event must ALSO begin at 7:30PM EASTERN FUCKING STANDARD TIME, the preferred time zone of me. If there's an East Coast playoff game AND West Coast playoff game on the same night, and the West Coast game is clearly gonna be the better game (that's you, NBA), then that one should be played at 7:30 PM, when I'm only MILDLY drunk. Then, the shitty East Coast game can go off at 11, when I'm shitfaced and need something to look at before barfing in my own hat.
You've been biased for years now, West Coasters. It's time for you to open your mind and rearrange your lives according to my drinking schedule. I don't think that's a lot to ask.