This is BALLS DEEP With Drew Magary (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here. Your regularly scheduled Balls Deep column will not appear this week. Instead, we bring you this special announcement.
Oh, hello. I'm Drew Magary: international bon vivant, malt liquor aficionado, and author of soon-to-be classic works of fine literature. You might remember me from such screen names as Big Daddy Drew, MeGrimlockLoveBoobs and LupicaEatsAss99. Well, you can forget about all those wacky handles, children. I have decided to "out" my real name today. Last night I celebrated my decision by eating pate and guzzling four delicious bottles of 200 proof nail polish remover. The above picture is the end result. I call this position the Reverse Whitlock.
The editor of this site, Will Leitch, asked me to write something today defending people who write online and choose to remain anonymous, as I have for the past two years. So I said to him, "What's there to explain? I have a fucking job and I don't want to get dooced."
Then Leitch said, "Yeah, but you'd be shocked how many people don't understand that."
And then I asked, "Who? Who doesn't understand that?"
And then Leitch said, "Buzz Bissinger! Bissinger doesn't get it! And he keeps saying mean things about Deadspin! Oh, how I looooathe him. He's a big jerk with a jerky face! Say lots of shitty things about him, Drew, so I don't have to do it myself! Be my hammer!" (Ed. Note: This is not EXACTLY how the conversation went. But close.)
I understand why people who are not anonymous might think less of those who choose to write online. But most of those people, like Wilbon, Bissinger and Simmons, are paid quite handsomely for what they write. It's their job. Until recently, I was paid nothing to write online. I therefore had to continue working at my job so that I could, you know, eat. And, even now, I still have to stay at my day job (a job that, in all seriousness, I enjoy quite a lot). Now, I know many blog critics will say, "Well, if you're afraid what you say online will get you fired, maybe you shouldn't write it."
And, to those people, I'd like to offer this counterargument: Get fucked. Seriously, go get fucked. You get paid to have a creative outlet. Most people do not. In fact, this is many people's only chance to freely express themselves. Sometimes crassly. Don't like it? Think it's mean? Don't fucking read it.
Besides, anonymous or not, we still put ourselves out there when we blog or when we make a comment. People can still respond. They can email. They can leave comments. If someone emails me and says, "Hey BDD, you're a fucking douchebag" (happens 800 times a day), I don't say to myself, "Whew! Thank God that person was criticizing Big Daddy Drew and not Drew Magary! I feel so relieved!" I still know it's directed at ME, anonymous or not. The name attached is practically irrelevant. Anonymity doesn't make me bulletproof. That's alcohol's job.
So spare me the bitching about anonymity. In fact, I'd like to take the opportunity here to explain to you just how useful anonymity has been throughout human history. It's true. Anonymity is fucking AWESOME. Not only does it allow you to make snide dick jokes about other people online, it's also a way for people to speak truth to power! Like Deep Throat! Without Deep Throat, there would be no Watergate. Suck on that counterargument.
The fact that Deep Throat was anonymous also added a bit of titillation to the proceedings. We shouldn't always have to have things spelled out for us. Sometimes, we need a little bit of mystery. Who was Deep Throat? Was it John Dean? Was it Diane Sawyer? Was it Henny Youngman? It made for riveting speculation. If you knew right off the bat that Deep Throat was just some random asshole whose name I can't remember, would the story have been as powerful? Fuck and no. That guy never should have revealed himself, because he turned out to be a real bore.
Think of all the other anonymous people who have contributed to history. Like Jack The Ripper. Or the Zodiac Killer. Would they have been able to make history had their real names been divulged? I think not. And what about the six other guys who helped kill Kennedy? Anonymous.
Tupac's killer? Anonymous.
The fucker who wrote Beowulf? Anonymous.
Former WWF jobber Mr. X? Anonymous.
The unknown soldier? Anonymous. (He is no one, and he is everyone. Just like Darkman. Very deep stuff.)
Gambler's Anonymous support members? Anonymous.
The real father of Suri Cruise? Anonymous.
That one chick in the William Kennedy Smith trail with the blue dot on her face? Anonymous.
Will Leitch? Anonymous. (His real name is Earl "Horseshoe" Jenkins)
Anonymous tipsters? Anonymous.
The Verizon guy? Anonymous. (I'm serious. Verizon won't divulge his name. Creepy.)
The inventor of the wheel? Anonymous.
And that's merely the tip of the iceberg. These people, these brave nameless people, have helped shape history in ways they never could have had everyone known their real, boring, very ordinary names. They didn't even demand credit for their deeds. That's right. By remaining anonymous, they are MORE selfless, MORE honorable, than the unanonymous glory hounds out there.
That means you, Wilbon. You just gotta put your name on every little thing you write, don't you? Well, where I come from, that's called vanity, you spotlight-hogging bastard.
So here's to the anonymous hordes out there, who toil endlessly to keep each other entertained with hastily assembled dick jokes, and ask for nothing in return. Except for a link back to their site. And a mention in a post. And lots of fawning praise from other commenters. You people are the real heroes. If only I could thank you by name. At least you know mine now.