Drew Magary is off this week on a well-deserved, court-ordered "vacation". Filling in for Deadspin's juggernaut featured columnist is Gourmet "Who?" Spud, one of Deadspin's new weekend swing editors, a frequent commentor, and 1/4 of the team over at Food Court Lunch. He also helped your grandmother cross the street last week. Image and original art below by mad genius twoeightnine.
As we sweat our way through these dog days of summer, the most common complaint I hear from sports fans is, "man, is football season ever going to start?" Colour me confused, because I can't figure out what the heck they are talking about! Why, we are already a third of the way through the schedule, and with all eight teams vying for only seven playoff spots, the action is hotter than August in Alberta (average temperature: 14 degrees Celsius, 57 degrees Fahrenheit)!
That's right, pigskin fans - time to get your football fix with the Thursday Afternoon CFL D###-Joke Free Jambor-eh. It's like that other column, only with one less down, 100% less cussin', and the politeness cranked all the way up to eleven! Think of it as "Balls Deep", only with bigger (foot)balls!
Seat-belts on, everyone, we're about to put some kilometres under our belts!
Seriously, put your seat-belts on. Safety is everyone's responsibility.
All games in the Jambor-eh are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5...wait a minute, what's that say? Throwgasms?!? My word, is that football surrounded by (whispers) semen? Well, that won't do at all. Let's try this again:
All games in the Jambor-eh are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Youppis.
Note: In the Northern tradition of inclusion and equality, all games are allocated the same number of Youppis.
Hamilton Tiger Cats at Montreal Alouettes
The storied rivalry between these two franchises is as much about the cities they represent as it is about football. By way of analogy for American readers, if Hamilton is Pittsburgh, Montreal would be Los Angeles. Hamilton, producer of 60% of Canada's steel, prides itself on its blue-collar values, its never-crowded libraries and its mafia. Conversely, Montreal is the Canadian epicentre of cuisine, sex and celebrity sightings. Attend any given Alouette game and you are more than likely to catch a glimpse of such Canadian luminaries as former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, NHL Hall of Famer Jean Béliveau, Quebec Premier Jean Charest and celebrity blogger Jean-Elliott Skeets.
And don't think that the ramifications of this game are limited to civic pride. Montreal currently sits in first place, but a loss would eliminate them from the playoffs. Meanwhile, a Hamilton win would all but guarantee that they won't go bankrupt for at least another week.
Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Buffalo Bil...er, Toronto Argonauts
I live in Toronto, so I'll be attending this one in person, and to say I'm excited would be an understatement. Let's see: Friday night game in mid-summer? Roof of the Rogers Centre open? The potential for an encore performance from a blindfolded Ashley? "Heck" and "Yes"!
BC Lions at Edmonton Eskimos
Not much that can be said about this game that hasn't already been beaten to death by the mainstream media (is Damon Allen retired? Is he not retired? Make up your mind already!). So I'll just use this space to tell a story about a wild night I once had in Edmonton.
Edmonton is a big student town, and I don't have to tell you that it can get pret-ty wild. Back when I was still in school, I went out there to visit some friends, and we decided to head out downtown. Our night got off to a bit of a rough start, as we waited in line at the bar for forty-five minutes. We probably could have gotten in earlier, as the bouncer was my friend's younger brother, but we didn't feel right cutting the line. Anyway, I didn't mind, because we were standing behind this group of girls, one of whom I couldn't take my eyes off of. I mean, you could just tell that, under the Ski-Doo jacket, she was smoking hot.
Now I'm admittedly not the world's smoothest guy, but sometimes the stars just align for you, you know? It so happened that these girls were out of chew and, as luck would have it, I had a fresh tin of Wintergreen in my pocket. Needless to say, it was on. The next two and a half hours were a blur of Caesars, playful arm-punching and singing along with the Tragically Hip cover band. We were having so much fun that before I knew it, we were splitting street-vendor poutine, I was shaking her hand goodnight (to answer your next question - yes, she lingered), and she was gone. I never saw her again, but every time I drive through Edmonton, I can't help but think of that night and smile.
God, I miss University.
Chilliwack Softwoods at Moosejaw Roughriders
Like every time these two teams get together, this game is shaping up to be a real mis-match. We know Moosejaw will come out fiery and ready to grind. And even though Chilliwack's sheer size should make this an attractive match-up, they just have that frustrating tendency to shrink when the pressure is on. The Softwoods' problem? If you ask me, it's lack of preparation. Granted, they aren't the youngest team, but that's still no excuse for not being ready to go. If the 'Wack don't come out fired up for this one, expect yet another in a string of embarrassing performances.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want to Play It At A Level That Pumps Me Up But Is Still Respectful Of My Neighbours
"If It Feels Good Do It", by Sloan. I can't quite figure out what exactly the "it" in this song's title is referring to, but my hunch tells me it's smoking marijuana. It's practically legal here, you know. You see, Canada recognizes that there are better places to allocate limited police and penal resources than on locking up teenagers just for carrying around a few grams of pot.
Anyways, no big deal.
Five Potential Key Injuries
Mike O'Shea (knee)
David Boston (defence wounds (beaver))
Anthony Calvillo (rickets)
Jesse Lumsden (rickets)
Bethel Johnson (rickets)
This Week's Regicide Pick
Last week's regicide pool pick of the Las Vegas Posse was incorrect, as I've been informed that the team folded after their inaugural 1994 season. My bad. This week we are going with the
San Antonio Texans Shreveport Pirates Sacramento Gold Miners Baltimore Stallions Birmingham Barracudas Memphis Mad Dogs Ottawa Roughriders Ottawa Renegades.
This week's method of committing regicide is hiding in Her Majesty The Queen's closet while wearing a Shrek mask, waiting for her to come fetch her gown and/or sceptre, and scaring her. And between you and me, I'm hoping this is the one that finally does it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's a nice lady. But it's tricky to come up with a different way to finish off the same person every week, you know? I've literally got drawers full of ideas for Charles, and I am running out of room in my apartment.
Gametime Snack of the Week
Recipe: Take an M&M. Remove the "M". Also remove the colourful marketing campaigns with the Red and Yellow characters that kids love. Add puzzles to the packaging, because children want their junk food to make them feel stupid. Sprinkle with feelings of resentment and inadequacy brought on by your second-rate British version of the better American product. Enjoy.
Getting a package of Smarties when you asked for M&M's was the childhood version of your girlfriend asking you what you wanted for your birthday, saying you wanted an iPod, and getting a "Zune" because the salesman at Best Buy, "said it was the better technology." And then, rather than exchange it and risk hurting her feelings, you keep it, even though you can't use it with iTunes, and strangers look at you on the subway like you are holding Gordon Gekko's cell phone from "Wall Street"...
...Aw jeez, I'm getting bummed out just thinking about this. Time for some of the ol' "Canadian Zoloft"...
Gametime Cheap Beer of the Week
Carling Light. At $27 for a 2-4, it's the brew of choice for broke high schoolers and those unfortunate enough to find themselves in need of our generous social assistance program. Try mixing it with Clamato juice. That's clam juice mixed with tomato juice. It's called a Red Eye, and it's delicious. What's that you say? THAT'S DISGUSTING, YOU SAY!?! WELL...you're entitled to your opinion. Carry on.
Gratuitous Trailer Park Boys Quote
Bubbles (re: his home-made rocket): Can it fly? Does the tin-man have a sheet-metal cock?*
Halftime Kit to Help You...You Know. I'll Giggle If You Make Me Say It.
For the guys: Pamela Anderson. Sorry, no link. Apparently, there aren't any pictures of her on-line. I'm as surprised as you are.
For the ladies: by overwhelming demand, former Canadian P.M. Pierre Trudeau, wearing a cape. I'll never understand you gals and your Count Dracula fantasies.
For gays and lesbians: Your spouse. Enjoy your right to have your love recognized in the eyes of the law!
Our Pregame Quote To Help Us Realize Just How Good We've All Got It
"Kids are starving in India, and you're walking around with a sombrero full of peanuts."
Enjoy the games, buddies! Drew's back next week.
*Alright. One dick joke.