"It disgusted me to death… I understand people want to cheer for their team and they want their team to win, but when you see an individual laying down there motionless, there's no need to cheer. There's nothing joyful about watching a person get hurt."Now, I know many people find the idea of cheering for injuries tasteless, and offensive, and inhumane, and disgusting. But those people are WRONG. Wrong as can be. Cheering injuries is the noblest thing a person can do. It's true! You see, when I cheer for injuries, I'm not doing it because I'm a bad person. Far from it. I cheer for injuries because I CARE. I think a good, solid injury builds character. Think about Tom Brady's life up to this point. He's had it all: hot model girlfriend, tons of money, three Super Bowl rings. What kind of adversity has he faced up to this point? Not a lot. Well, I'm not shallow like all these Boston fans who just want Brady to stay healthy and keep winning. I want Brady to GROW as a person. I want him to learn. I want him to be a better man. And there's no better way for him to do that than to have his knee viciously torn asunder. Don't you see how that makes sense? Cheering for injuries the most American thing a person can do. Look at Christopher Reeve. Everyone loved that guy. And you know why? Because he was injured. If that horse hadn't bucked off Reeve and sent him flying into a barrier, crushing all his upper vertebrae, we Americans never would have gotten to know just how brave he can be in the face of total physical incapacitation. And that would be our loss as a society. I think that horse deserves a medal. And to not be eaten. And remember, fans like me are only rooting for injuries, and not full-blown DEATH. I think that shows our true grace, our capacity for mercy. I think it's very classy. It makes us more human to hope Tom Brady gets his leg sheared right off. Look at him clutching his knee like a little girl in that photo. What a bitch. Furthermore, I think injuries are also good for a team's fans. Take a look at some of the comments on the Brady matter over at Barstool Sports:
Youve (sic) been doing a helluva job exposing the rest of the countrys (sic) jealousy and anger towards Boston in general. Bunch of pathetic, 2nd place wannabe cowards, similar to the Iraq and Afghan terrorists Heated76, Sep 09 2008, 6:42 pm Here Here Curt I couldn't agree with you more. Based on my experience with New Yorkers in general they are the most arrogant, dis in genuine (sic), unlikeable (sic) people on the earth. They can't stand the fact that they are inferior to Boston in sports, education, and just mere culture. - peter1975, Sep 09 2008, 9:36 pmNow, honestly, don't morons like this deserve to be knocked down a peg? Wouldn't that be better for us all? I say yes. Seriously, is there anything worse than a bunch of jackass fans who are under the astonishing delusion that they are somehow "classier" than some other arbitrary set of fans? Shouldn't these people be stripped of all their assets and beaten to within an inch of their lives? And then murdered? Again, I say yes. Fans like this are in desperate need of a dose of humility. A severe correction. And I think the best way to do that is for the star player on their favorite team to suffer a horrible, catastrophic injury. It teaches them that there are some things in life you simply cannot control, and that life isn't always fair, and that you don't always get what you think you rightfully deserve. It teaches them to be better people. It also teaches them to go eat a fat dick. In fact, in the case of Patriots fans, injuring Brady may not be enough. I think MORE injuries are needed to drive the point home. Perhaps Wes Welker could fall down a mine shaft. Or maybe Rodney Harrison could accidentally perform a vicious late hit on himself, breaking his own ankle (Ape's idea). And maybe Belichick could get hit by a cement mixer. I think all of those things would be really great. So, to you people out there who are drinking hard and clapping deliriously at the pain and misfortune of others, I salute you. You people are real Americans. You're the true class acts in sports, and don't ever let some asshole tell you differently. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Eagles at Cowboys: That Tony Romo Pepsi ad must have really fucked with Jessica Simpson's brain. "Baby, when did you get so darn TALL?" Chargers at Broncos: No more Shawne Merriman? Well, that's a shame for him. This was the week he was gonna go to Denver! All the best raping happens in Denver! Speaking of Merriman, here's one more hilarious comment from the Barstool post:
Being the honorable and classy fans that we are, on behalf of all Pats fans I would like to extend a successful and speed (sic) recovery to Shawne Merriman. - Damron, Sep 09 2008, 7:33 pmClassy people don't wish anything good on Shawne Merriman. Patriots at Jets: During the Packers game last Monday, when the subject of Brett Favre came up, Mike Tirico said to Kornheiser, "Can we please go one half without saying the guy's name? Please?" Mike Tirico, you are a great man and I will fight to the death for you.
Three Throwgasms Steelers at Browns: You get the feeling Horse Balls will be benched by the end of the month? I do. Falcons at Bucs: You mean Matt Ryan is GOOD? Well, that won't do. Bills at Jaguars
Two Throwgasms Saints at Redskins: Oh-and-five or bust, Skins fans! Giants at Rams: Owning Steven Jackson this year is starting to look exactly like owning Larry Johnson last year. Just one painful, ultimately futile carry after another. God, the strain. It's just like watching a promo for "'Til Death." Titans at Bengals: Vince Young doesn't want to play football anymore. In many ways, he's just like the entire Bengals roster. Packers at Lions Ravens at Texans 49ers at Seahawks
One Throwgasm Raiders at Chiefs: GAH! Avert your eyes! It can't hurt you that way! Dolphins at Cardinals Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall