Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," released October 27th and featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. There are certain decision-making scenarios in life where you end up fucked no matter what you do. Voting, for instance. Or switching lanes in a traffic jam. As we all know, and as Office Space ably pointed out, if the lane next to you is going faster, and you decide to switch over, your new lane will then immediately clog up, while the lane you abandoned will suddenly open up, as if parted by Moses himself. And car after car will happily whiz past you at 90 mph, preventing you from switching back over.Life is chock full of horrible moments like that. Choosing between two jobs? Don't worry. You'll no doubt pick the one that ends up offering no security, crummy hours, and a wishy-washy fuckface boss who will make you redo projects over and over again. And it'll be at AIG. Can't decide which girl you want to settle down with? Fear not. God will invariably steer you towards the girl who deftly hid her bipolar disorder from you until she decides to abandon her medication after you get married because she's so "happy" now. Hooray, nauseating emotional roller coaster! That's the thing Robert Frost never mentioned. Sometimes the road less traveled is just as shitty and miserable as the one everyone else decided to take. Sometimes trying to be all smart and independent ends up fucking you raw. And nowhere is that more evident than in the world of fantasy football. I have Laveranues Coles on my fantasy squad. Coles scored three touchdowns last week. Of course, I didn't start him. Nooooooo, we couldn't have that. No, I had to go and switch him out of my lineup Sunday morning because he was listed as Questionable. Even though he was likely to play, why take a chance he'll aggravate something and bow out in the first quarter, yes? I mean, who knew HE'D DECIDE TO HAVE A FUCKING CAREER GAME INSTEAD AND FIST MY ASS LIKE THE NO GOOD SHITBALL HE IS. Starting the wrong player happens all the time in fantasy, but switching out the wrong guy at the last second is a particularly cruel way for God to back at you for all that jerking off you do. If you're considering switching out one player for another five minutes before kickoff, you're already screwed. It's much better, MUCH BETTER, to set that lineup well in advance and just keep the fucker the way it is, unless Jay Glazer (and Jay Glazer only!) reports Sunday morning that your guy fell down a well and absolutely will not play. The closer to kickoff you make any kind of fantasy roster decision, the more acute the pain is when that decision turns out be spectacularly wrong. Because you were that much closer to NOT fucking up, to just leaving well enough alone and not dithering about like a goddamn shithead. You had one guy in your lineup all week! Why did you have to get all smart and switch things up right beforehand? IDIOT! It's the certainty of fantasy football that can make it so frustrating at times. The decisions we make in life rarely present us with a clear alternate reality after the fact. Let's say you're a coach, and you decide on a running play at the one with one second left and needing a TD to win. Now, let's say that play fails and you lose. And you think to yourself, "FUCK, I should have called a pass!" Well, there's no guarantee that calling a pass would have been successful. You know the run didn't work, but that doesn't automatically mean the pass would have. This is how life generally works. We don't know how the alternate universe plays out, because that's not the universe we live in. We don't for sure that the Cubs win the World Series if Bartman doesn't interfere with the ball. We don't know for sure that we'd be better off if we had grown up in one place over another. Most people say they have no regrets about the decisions they make in their lives, and that's because there's no ultimate certainty as to how their lives would have played out otherwise. But fantasy football isn't like that. In fantasy football, a clear alternate scenario plays out right before your very eyes. You choose to start one guy. He does shitty. And not only does he do shitty, not only do you fucking lose, but you also get to watch as the guy you kept swapped him out for gets the points you needed to win. The alternate reality is certain. There are no what ifs. If you had started him, you would have won. Without question. The numbers bear it out. But you didn't, so you lost. The result is final, and the regret is tangible. There are few, if any, other times in life where that is the case. And making the wrong decision so close to kickoff makes the regret that much sharper. And that's why I hope Laveranues Coles gets run over by a mail truck. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
SFive Throwgasms Steelers at Jaguars: For Byron Leftwich, revenge is a dish best served with a very slow, overly elaborate windup. Redskins at Eagles: I've mentioned this before, but if you live in DC and you aren't a Redskin fan, there is nothing more miserable than being in this town when the team is doing well. Especially if they beat fucking Dallas. Seen this clip of Dan Snyder acting like a complete fucking tool after the game? Yeah well, that's every fucking Redskin fan. Even our own KOGOD responded to the victory as if everyone on Earth should build a fucking bronze monument to commemorate it. (He said he was being sarcastic, which only makes it more annoying.) I don't give a shit if they're 3-1. The Redskins have an uncommon knack for being boring to watch even when they are succeeding. Fuck the Redskins. Fuck their stupid fucking entitled fans, who somehow think the Redskins are the NFL's most important, historically rich franchise. Fuck their fucking shrimp of an owner. Fuck their piece of shit stadium. And fuck you. Bucs at Broncos: You know how people always like to say that certain franchise or team can help elevate the interest in a whole sport? Shit like, "College football is always more interesting when Notre Dame is winning," or "MLB is always a more interesting place when the Yankees are winning." Yeah, well the NFL is always LESS interesting when the Bucs are winning.
SFour Throwgasms Titans at Ravens: When multi-buttoned lobotomy patient Merrill Hoge spent the majority of last week telling everyone Vince Young was a crybaby, he firmly established himself as the Mack North of retard NFL commentators. "What are you running from, Vince? A little thing called the truth? You're afraid people might find out you're soft? I think the word is out! What about the facts? Like the fact that you got benched?! Like the fact that mother is an overprotective WHORE! Stop trying to hide behind the Red Cross, Vince Young!"
Three Throwgasms Chargers at Dolphins: In an unusual twist, it's Ronnie Brown and NOT Ricky Williams who must be sold while high. Seahawks at Giants: I was absolutely disgusted by those 9/11 jokes on that one Seahawks message board. How could anyone tell jokes that are that horribly dated? Now, Hurricane Ike victims… THERE'S a fresh target for ridicule! Patriots at 49ers
Two Throwgasms Colts at Texans: Dallas Clark is starting to get healthy again, and that means the Colts should be returning back to their annoying selves any time now. I saw the Vikings play the Colts in Week 2, and while the Vikes inevitably blew the game, it's wonderful to watch the Colts offense when DFC wasn't there to make one annoying clutch grab after another. God dammit, he bothers me. Falcons at Packers: Holy shit, Greg Jennings is a beast. If I were him, I'd call myself "Professor Jennings". Then I'd smoke some weed and walk around the locker room wearing a cable knit sweater and no pants. Chiefs at Panthers: That's the thing about Herm Edwards. He pulls just enough wins out of his ass to stick around far longer than he ought to. Games like last week's win over Denver always make his bosses think, "Hey! He got them to improbably not suck for a week! Now that fellow knows how to occasionally motivate a team!" Bears at Lions: With Aaron Rodgers mildly injured and the Packers coming back down the earth the past two weeks, it's not reasonable to suggest that the Bears are now the best team in the division. And if Kyle Orton makes the playoffs, we're all getting laid. Bills at Cardinals Vikings at Saints
One Throwgasm Bengals at Cowboys Hey DirecTV, Go Fuck Yourself Our own Michael Tunison reported recently that he went to go watch the Steelers game at a local bar that had Sunday Ticket. Now, the Steelers game was on locally in the DC area. Any game that is broadcast locally gets blacked out on NFL Sunday Ticket. This makes sense, because the game feed is the same, so there's no need to have it on two channels and siphon eyeballs away from local stations. But here's what makes no sense. The Steelers game had a 4:15 kickoff. The 1PM game ran late. So the local station, naturally, stayed with the 1PM game until its conclusion. This means the 1st quarter of that Steelers game was unavailable on the local channel. So was the Sunday Ticket blackout temporarily lifted so Steelers fans could watch the first quarter of their game if they chose? It was not. Hey NFL and DirecTV, WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU INDIFFERENT SHITSTAINS. A lot of fans and bar owners pay their good hard-earned money for Sunday Ticket. And, in case you hadn't noticed, THE FUCKING WORLD IS RUNNING OUT OF FUCKING MONEY RIGHT NOW. So maybe you'd like to take care to make sure your customers are happy with the product you are essentially forcing them to buy. Maybe you'd like to give them EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY GAME LIKE YOU FUCKING PROMISED THEM. Move your ass and change your stupid fucking retard blackout rules, you fuckfaced asswranglers. Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall "Pure Convenience," by the Head Set. They're like The Strokes, except that I don't want to eviscerate them with a lawnmower blade. Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"As Nasty As They Wanna Be," by 2 Live Crew. Ever purchase an album specifically so you could masturbate to its cover artwork? I have. They used to play this song on Top 40 stations all the time when I was a kid, only they used the clean version. "Sittin' at home, watchin' Arsenio Hall." Sure you were, buddy. I think we all know the real story. I'm not sure there's ever been a worse rapper in history than Luther Campbell. He makes Vanilla Ice's flow look downright Seussian by comparison. No wonder the 7th Floor Crew sounded like D12 during a group nap. This group shouldn't have been banned for obscenity. They should have been banned for being downright shitty. You could read "Infinite Jest" in between every word Campbell spits out. To think this shit used to pass for edgy among us suburban white kids. He's talking on a giant phone, for shit's sake. Why is he doing that?! Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Laveranues Coles. Of course. Five Potential Key Injuries -Willis McGahee (knee) -Matt Cassel (Brady Dreamboatmorphic Disorder) -Aaron Rodgers (aggravated overburdening) -Brett Favre (Peter King's Disease (involves tongue chafing)) -Bart Scott (Mommy issues) Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of San Diego was correct, which makes me 3-1 for the year. Judging by last week, your suicide pool should reach its conclusion by Week 6 this year. Holy shit, does this league lack a clear power structure. Off the board now are the Giants, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Green Bay, and jumping off the ledge of an investment bank building. I don't want to say I'm disappointed more investment bankers haven't committed suicide this week, but it sure would be cathartic to see a handful of them eat pavement. Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Steelers getting 4 points on the road against the Jaguars. Hey, I heard it was the Jewish New Year this week. You can always tell it's the Jewish New Year, because the Jews turn back into bats when the clock strikes midnight. Rosh Hashahna. Pfft. Sounds like the big-titted whore who blew Seinfeld for a couple years." 2008 Nazi Shark Record: 0-2 Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. This week, TWO coaches got fired! WOO HOO! YEE HAW! Now THAT is how you excite a fan base, people! Sure, the Raiders and Rams are still utterly hopeless, but at least there will be some NEW coach to bitch about! And now, your updated chopping block: Jim Haslett Tom Cable Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Mike Nolan Herm Edwards Romeo Crennel Gary Kubiak Brad Childress Jesus, how the fuck has Marvin Lewis not been fired yet? Matt Millen isn't around anymore to overshadow your egregious fuckups, buddy! Gametime Snack Of The Week – ECONOMY EDITION!
Zoo Animal Crackers! Money too tight for those delicious Barnum & Bailey Animal Crackers? Why not buy a two-dollar, 64-gallon barrel of these fuckers instead? Be warned, they're juuust a bit dry. You may need to drink a liter of Gatorade in between each one to stay properly hydrated. But otherwise, they're not god awful! Gametime Beer Of The Week – ECONOMY EDITION!
Mickey's Malt Liquor! In the wide-mouth bottle. Ah, Mickey's. Not only will Mickey's make you shitfaced, you look shitfaced simply by having one in your hand. Mickey's is the kind of thing you drink when you've already given up on the idea of trying to get laid that night. The chances of a girl coming near you when you're drinking one of these drop by about 6,000%. You may as well walk around with a sign saying LOOK OUT, WHORES! I'M GONNA THROW UP SOON! Needless to say, Mickey's is the preferred drink of Tommy from Quinzee. Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Bengals Fans
Religulous. Hmm. I don't approve of its "starring Bill Maher" policy, but I do like its "religious people are weak-minded suckers" policy. Here's Maher delightfully putting down that one girl from "The View." Man, that lady has a big rack. It's like she has a zeppelin stuffed in her shirt. Hard not to believe in God when you've been blessed with cans like that. My friend worked on this flick. He says to be on the lookout for this one scene where "we visit a theme park called The Holy Land Experience in Florida, where they reenact the Via Dolorosa, in which Christ is whipped by Roman Centurions as he drags a crucifix to the top of a hill, in front of a captive and cheering audience." Does that theme park have smoked turkey drumsticks? If so, I AM THERE. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "For a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Denise Milani. Look at those boobs! She should be on "The View"! -For the gals: Actor Old school shirtless Paul Newman. God dammit, Paul Newman was awesome. No one was better at looking like he didn't give a shit. Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "Is this Boz?… Well, this is Melvin fuckin' Bratton and Alonzo Highsmith, and this is your fucking wake-up call, motherfucker! And at high noon we'll see your sorry ass in the Orange Bowl and we're gonna kick your fucking ass!" -"Boys Will Be Boys" Enjoy the games, everyone.